The power of prayer should not be underestimated. James 5:16-18 declares, "…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” God most definitely listens to prayers, answers prayers, and moves in response to prayers. It is not the result of the person praying. Rather, the power resides in the God who is being prayed to. No matter the person praying, the passion behind the prayer, or the purpose of the prayer - God answers prayers that are in agreement with His will. His answers are not always yes, but are always in our best interest. When we pray passionately and purposefully, according to God's will, God responds powerfully!
We cannot access powerful prayer by using "magic formulas." Our prayers being answered is not based on the eloquence of our prayers. We don't have to use certain words or phrases to get God to answer our prayers. Prayer is communicating with God. God's help through the power of prayer is available for all kinds of requests and issues. Speak to God using your own words.
The Word of God is full of accounts describing the power of prayer in various situations. The power of prayer has overcome enemies (Psalm 6:9-10), conquered death (2 Kings 4:3-36), brought healing (James 5:14-15), and defeated demons (Mark 9:29). God, through prayer, opens eyes, changes hearts, heals wounds, and grants wisdom (James 1:5). The power of prayer should never be underestimated because it draws on the glory and might of the infinitely powerful God of the universe!
Recently, I witnessed the power of prayer in my life. When the only option available to me was separation and divorce, I sought the counsel and prayers of my pastors, members of the church leadership, friends, and colleagues to pray for me and my family. Not only did God hear those prayers, He answered them! I discovered that when my prayers lined up with His plans for me I started seeing the miracles I mentioned in my previous blog. I am grateful for the prayers from many people (as far away as Texas and Minnesota) interceding on my behalf. I know that ALL things are possible in God! And nothing is possible without prayer!
I still pray for God's miracle of healing... I pray for His will and I pray for His peace and I pray for His understanding. My own understanding may not come till I stand face to face with Him one day. It would make it easier now...but there are some things I won't know until I stand face to face with Him.
There are times when I get angry and I question Him. Why? Why now? Why this? Why not my time? But then I feel a gentle nudge and am reminded that nothing is too big for Him. There is nothing that He cannot do. I must trust in that and have faith that I am in His arms every single day. I couldn't face each day if He wasn't there. People keep telling me I’m strong but I know my strength only comes from Him.
Thank you ALL for your continued prayers and encouragement!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
My Miracles
Marriage demands the giving of oneself to the other, and there can be no mutual benefit without mutual giving. A part of one's identity is surrendered for the larger identity. Marry to share the good and endure the bad with the one who love. Marriage must involve three persons: God, the husband, and the wife. Enter the marriage relationship fully realizing the lifelong commitment. For marriage to be the joyous relationship that God intended, the husband and wife must never take one another for granted. We must allow the light of love to endure within hearts that are open to a loving Father and His Son. Thoughtfulness, gratitude, and concern for one another must be ever present in a marriage.
God is a God of miracles. The last time I wrote, my marriage was on the verge of divorce and I didn’t know how to “fix” it. I prayed for a miracle and witnessed more than one miracle and found my God again. He restored my marriage and my family. He celebrated our 3rd anniversary with us last night and He will be there as we celebrate our last.
I started with me; restoring my one-on-one relationship between me and the Lord Jesus Christ. As a born-again believer, the success of my relationship with others is in direct correlation with the quality of my personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. When I am out of fellowship with the Lord due to my sin or mental attitudes that are contrary to divine viewpoint, I find that I am out of sorts with myself, first, and that spills over to my relationships with my husband and children. Therefore, restoring my relationship and fellowship with the Lord through agreeing with His viewpoint and resting in the forgiveness that is mine in Christ Jesus was the place I started at.
For the marriage relationship, the Bible has given me a very clear model that is opposite to the world's viewpoint. To restore a marriage relationship once forgiveness has been given and received, applying God's model will begin to bring the two separate parties into a God-honoring union. This requires a choice on the part of both parties.
God ordained the first marriage in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve as He ordained my marriage to Curt. When sin entered because of their disobedience, that perfect union was destroyed just as I let sin almost destroy my marriage and family. There is the human viewpoint that "all are equal." In a way, that is true. We all have equal access to salvation in Christ Jesus but to say that all in the world are equal in human opportunity, abilities or even power is naïve. God had a purpose for placing wives under the authority of their husbands. Because of sin, that rule has been both abused and chaffed under, and the result has brought chaos to the home and family which was what I did to my family by not walking with Him.
God's marriage model works, but it takes commitment on the part of both parties to create a relationship with a balance of each individual's obedience to God and walking in fellowship with the Lord. It does not happen overnight. And, usually, if a marriage relationship has broken down, there are issues that need to be forgiven and put behind in order to move forward, and, again, that takes a choice and a commitment. Walking in forgiveness and fellowship was a wonderful place to start to put the pieces back together again.
Curt, I, and the kids have a long ways to go yet. Nothing is “fixed” overnight. I know that I am a work in progress and will need daily fellowship with God to keep me on the right path. It won’t be easy, but I know He’s with me and the journey is worth it because my marriage and my life is the daily choice I make. I’ve witnessed Him work many miracles in my life and trust that only in Him can my marriage and family be restored.
I found the following the following practical rules to apply to my life on line:
~ Never both be angry at once.
~ Never talk at one another.
~ Never yell at one another, unless the house is on fire.
~ Let each one strive to yield more often to do the wishes of the other.
~ Let self-denial be the daily aim and practice of each.
~ Never taunt with a past mistake.
~ Neglect the whole world rather than one another.
~ Never make a remark at the expense of one another.
~ Never part for a day without kind words to think of during absence.
~ Never meet without a loving welcome.
~ Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
~ Never forget that marriage is ordained of God, and that His blessings alone can make it what it ought to be.
God is a God of miracles. The last time I wrote, my marriage was on the verge of divorce and I didn’t know how to “fix” it. I prayed for a miracle and witnessed more than one miracle and found my God again. He restored my marriage and my family. He celebrated our 3rd anniversary with us last night and He will be there as we celebrate our last.
I started with me; restoring my one-on-one relationship between me and the Lord Jesus Christ. As a born-again believer, the success of my relationship with others is in direct correlation with the quality of my personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. When I am out of fellowship with the Lord due to my sin or mental attitudes that are contrary to divine viewpoint, I find that I am out of sorts with myself, first, and that spills over to my relationships with my husband and children. Therefore, restoring my relationship and fellowship with the Lord through agreeing with His viewpoint and resting in the forgiveness that is mine in Christ Jesus was the place I started at.
For the marriage relationship, the Bible has given me a very clear model that is opposite to the world's viewpoint. To restore a marriage relationship once forgiveness has been given and received, applying God's model will begin to bring the two separate parties into a God-honoring union. This requires a choice on the part of both parties.
God ordained the first marriage in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve as He ordained my marriage to Curt. When sin entered because of their disobedience, that perfect union was destroyed just as I let sin almost destroy my marriage and family. There is the human viewpoint that "all are equal." In a way, that is true. We all have equal access to salvation in Christ Jesus but to say that all in the world are equal in human opportunity, abilities or even power is naïve. God had a purpose for placing wives under the authority of their husbands. Because of sin, that rule has been both abused and chaffed under, and the result has brought chaos to the home and family which was what I did to my family by not walking with Him.
God's marriage model works, but it takes commitment on the part of both parties to create a relationship with a balance of each individual's obedience to God and walking in fellowship with the Lord. It does not happen overnight. And, usually, if a marriage relationship has broken down, there are issues that need to be forgiven and put behind in order to move forward, and, again, that takes a choice and a commitment. Walking in forgiveness and fellowship was a wonderful place to start to put the pieces back together again.
Curt, I, and the kids have a long ways to go yet. Nothing is “fixed” overnight. I know that I am a work in progress and will need daily fellowship with God to keep me on the right path. It won’t be easy, but I know He’s with me and the journey is worth it because my marriage and my life is the daily choice I make. I’ve witnessed Him work many miracles in my life and trust that only in Him can my marriage and family be restored.
I found the following the following practical rules to apply to my life on line:
~ Never both be angry at once.
~ Never talk at one another.
~ Never yell at one another, unless the house is on fire.
~ Let each one strive to yield more often to do the wishes of the other.
~ Let self-denial be the daily aim and practice of each.
~ Never taunt with a past mistake.
~ Neglect the whole world rather than one another.
~ Never make a remark at the expense of one another.
~ Never part for a day without kind words to think of during absence.
~ Never meet without a loving welcome.
~ Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
~ Never forget that marriage is ordained of God, and that His blessings alone can make it what it ought to be.
Monday, September 27, 2010
He Won’t Give Us More Than We Handle
I chuckled to myself as I realized God has a sense of humor. As I drove back and forth moving stuff to the apartment I realized that my stress level was pretty low. I had Friday off and there was no class on Thursday or Saturday which freed me up for packing, moving, and unpacking.
He knew. He knew that this would happen and He made it so it’s doable. Often I hear, “Wow, you must be busy” when I tell people how many children I have, work full time, and going to grad school. It can be busy but He wouldn’t give me more than I can handle.
At times I question God's promises. I don't think it's because of my lack of faith- it's more a lack of my understanding of why all of the craziness is happening in my life at that particular time. Over the past 6 weeks there has been more things happening in my personal life than I've felt that I could handle. I'll admit that I've been angry, bitter, depressed, and confused as to why everything has happened. One of the phrases I've heard time and time again from family and friends is that God never gives us more than we can handle.
I've never been ashamed or afraid to lean on God's promises in difficult times. Last night I decided to pull out my Bible and find what I had always assumed was somewhere in His word. "God will never give you more than you can handle."
First Corinthians 10:13 in the NKJV reads, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” This Scripture teaches us a powerful principle. If we belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into our lives that we are not capable of bearing.
So, anything that comes our way, anything that tempts us, any tragedy that befalls us—we are capable of overcoming it and achieving spiritual victory. That does not mean it will always be easy. Quite the contrary—the fact that we may need a “way of escape” indicates that God sometimes allows difficult trials to come into our lives. We may not believe that we can overcome it, we may doubt our own strength to prevail, and we may even fail in the temptation. That does not mean, though, that we are not capable of overcoming that particular temptation. Whether it is a temptation to sin or a temptation to doubt God, God promises that we will be able to overcome it.
But what does it mean to “overcome” trials? It means the trials do not overcome our faith or our position as children of God, and we come through the trials intact. Our eternal destiny is not in danger because we are kept by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us as a down payment on our salvation. No trial can overcome that because it is of God. Therefore, the child of God will stand firm through the trials and come out on the other side still in God’s hand. This is proof that our salvation is real and our reward in heaven awaits us. James assures us, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
I know that God will work all things together for His glory and our good.
I know that no temptation is bigger than God.
I know that He is loving and safe.
How do I know that I'm not dealing with more than what I can handle? I'm sure other people have lived through and overcome bigger things than I'm wading through.
It's not that I don't trust Him. It's not that I love Him any less in the difficult times of life. I know that through doubt my faith is seeking understanding. It's not weakening, it's trying to grow.
He knew. He knew that this would happen and He made it so it’s doable. Often I hear, “Wow, you must be busy” when I tell people how many children I have, work full time, and going to grad school. It can be busy but He wouldn’t give me more than I can handle.
At times I question God's promises. I don't think it's because of my lack of faith- it's more a lack of my understanding of why all of the craziness is happening in my life at that particular time. Over the past 6 weeks there has been more things happening in my personal life than I've felt that I could handle. I'll admit that I've been angry, bitter, depressed, and confused as to why everything has happened. One of the phrases I've heard time and time again from family and friends is that God never gives us more than we can handle.
I've never been ashamed or afraid to lean on God's promises in difficult times. Last night I decided to pull out my Bible and find what I had always assumed was somewhere in His word. "God will never give you more than you can handle."
First Corinthians 10:13 in the NKJV reads, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” This Scripture teaches us a powerful principle. If we belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into our lives that we are not capable of bearing.
So, anything that comes our way, anything that tempts us, any tragedy that befalls us—we are capable of overcoming it and achieving spiritual victory. That does not mean it will always be easy. Quite the contrary—the fact that we may need a “way of escape” indicates that God sometimes allows difficult trials to come into our lives. We may not believe that we can overcome it, we may doubt our own strength to prevail, and we may even fail in the temptation. That does not mean, though, that we are not capable of overcoming that particular temptation. Whether it is a temptation to sin or a temptation to doubt God, God promises that we will be able to overcome it.
But what does it mean to “overcome” trials? It means the trials do not overcome our faith or our position as children of God, and we come through the trials intact. Our eternal destiny is not in danger because we are kept by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us as a down payment on our salvation. No trial can overcome that because it is of God. Therefore, the child of God will stand firm through the trials and come out on the other side still in God’s hand. This is proof that our salvation is real and our reward in heaven awaits us. James assures us, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
I know that God will work all things together for His glory and our good.
I know that no temptation is bigger than God.
I know that He is loving and safe.
How do I know that I'm not dealing with more than what I can handle? I'm sure other people have lived through and overcome bigger things than I'm wading through.
It's not that I don't trust Him. It's not that I love Him any less in the difficult times of life. I know that through doubt my faith is seeking understanding. It's not weakening, it's trying to grow.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Leadership
The leadership process is a total learning process. We all are leaders in our own way at different times in our lives. For example a father or mother with children, their children look to them for guidance. They also learn their values and about their culture through them. That is having leadership abilities. Friends look to each other for advice and different experiences that each of them have done. Some people perform leadership acts on the daily basis and don’t even realize it until they think about it or until someone brings it to their attention. That’s why it’s said that a part of learning about leadership is to always think about it.
In my personal life I’ve abused the power of my leadership position. Due to financial stress, no job stress, work stress, etc. I did not give my children and step-children guidance, love, and acceptance but rather, I ruled with an iron hand and it was my way or no way. I abused my position in the home because I could and now the effects are almost irreversible. As a leader, I also know it’s not time to give up, I have to keep fighting the good fight and for what is right. As a good leader I also need to know when to give in, when it’s no longer about the fight but is now about me.
In my opinion it is ironic that I am in a leadership program when in my personal life I have not been a good leader recently. Through my class discussions, personality quizzes, and various books I’ve read I have managed to figure out what kind of leader I am and what personality traits come into play when I’m in a leadership role, however, I have not yet figured out how to be a good leader through being a visionary or motivating people. This is because I usually don’t share my vision; I have a vision in my head but do not communicate it or communicate it well and trust that my followers will follow. I tend to keep it close to my heart and set out to accomplish the tasks myself to fulfill the vision. The road ahead will be long and arduous, filled with learning, but it’s a road worth traversing on.
In my personal life I’ve abused the power of my leadership position. Due to financial stress, no job stress, work stress, etc. I did not give my children and step-children guidance, love, and acceptance but rather, I ruled with an iron hand and it was my way or no way. I abused my position in the home because I could and now the effects are almost irreversible. As a leader, I also know it’s not time to give up, I have to keep fighting the good fight and for what is right. As a good leader I also need to know when to give in, when it’s no longer about the fight but is now about me.
In my opinion it is ironic that I am in a leadership program when in my personal life I have not been a good leader recently. Through my class discussions, personality quizzes, and various books I’ve read I have managed to figure out what kind of leader I am and what personality traits come into play when I’m in a leadership role, however, I have not yet figured out how to be a good leader through being a visionary or motivating people. This is because I usually don’t share my vision; I have a vision in my head but do not communicate it or communicate it well and trust that my followers will follow. I tend to keep it close to my heart and set out to accomplish the tasks myself to fulfill the vision. The road ahead will be long and arduous, filled with learning, but it’s a road worth traversing on.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Twelve Years Ago....
Twelve years ago I graduated from college and put away my backpack along with my diaries, senior paper, and my high school memory book that my mother had lovingly put together for me. A few nights ago I pulled out my backpack to get it ready for August 19, first night of school for the next few years, and found those items I had long packed away and had forgotten about. Looking at the memory book brought back many fond memories of times gone by, shared with many friends who have long moved on and many who I still share a deep and binding friendship that spans over 25 years.
Twelve years ago I didn’t imagine myself where I am today nor foresaw all of the people who have come in and out of my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will bring the relationship to an end. In my 37 years, I’ve had various people who’ve come into my life for a reason; many I can see their face in my mind's eye but can’t recall their names. However, some do have lasting impact. Steve, my boss at Green Mill gave me my second son’s name. I am reminded of his impact on my life every time I’m asked where I got Jaden’s name. Connie, my ex step-mom taught me how to make a killer lasagna with cottage cheese instead of ricotta. Derek protected me when I needed it the most in high school. And Patrick taught me to love oven fired gourmet pizza and the value of hard work. Then over time they faded out of my life because the need has been met, the desire fulfilled, and their work is done. The prayer I sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Again, I have had the privilege of experiencing the season with some treasured friends. I moved to California during this season. Angelina came to be during this season. The many hands that helped me raise my children appeared during this time in my life. What I had thought was the darkest time of my life at the time, turned out to be more of a gift than I could ever repay. Upon reflection, I see how I also impacted the lives of many Kats; they were college students who needed someone to be on their side and fight for them, they needed a mother and a friend who would feed and listen to them without the nagging that they would get from their real mother.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. I am fortunate to say that I can count my lifetime relationship on both hands. I have friends I keep in touch with on a daily basis because I feel that a critical part of me is empty until I hear from them. They know what I’m thinking or wanting to say even before I say it. They understand and accept my teasing and can dish it right back without offending or being offended. A few others, I chat with every few months, but we always pick up where we left off. The comfort of that kind of relationship is amazing beyond words. These are also the friends I know who will be there with me til the end; ones who will comfort me and just let me cry; ones who will laugh at my ghetto stories and share their own; ones that will allow me to be myself and not judge. I have no doubt that these are the friends who will share the pains of child birth, child rearing, and rejoice with me in my children’s milestones as well as shed tears of joy and pain with me for many more years to come.
As I enter this new phase of my life, I am comforted in knowing that I have many friends encouraging me along the way and who will be there to congratulate me when I am Master Ami. Through my blogging, since we live in an electronic age, I’m hoping to leave my children with a legacy of many friends who will journey with them through the phases of their lives because friendships double their joys and divide their sorrows.
Twelve years ago I didn’t imagine myself where I am today nor foresaw all of the people who have come in and out of my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will bring the relationship to an end. In my 37 years, I’ve had various people who’ve come into my life for a reason; many I can see their face in my mind's eye but can’t recall their names. However, some do have lasting impact. Steve, my boss at Green Mill gave me my second son’s name. I am reminded of his impact on my life every time I’m asked where I got Jaden’s name. Connie, my ex step-mom taught me how to make a killer lasagna with cottage cheese instead of ricotta. Derek protected me when I needed it the most in high school. And Patrick taught me to love oven fired gourmet pizza and the value of hard work. Then over time they faded out of my life because the need has been met, the desire fulfilled, and their work is done. The prayer I sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Again, I have had the privilege of experiencing the season with some treasured friends. I moved to California during this season. Angelina came to be during this season. The many hands that helped me raise my children appeared during this time in my life. What I had thought was the darkest time of my life at the time, turned out to be more of a gift than I could ever repay. Upon reflection, I see how I also impacted the lives of many Kats; they were college students who needed someone to be on their side and fight for them, they needed a mother and a friend who would feed and listen to them without the nagging that they would get from their real mother.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. I am fortunate to say that I can count my lifetime relationship on both hands. I have friends I keep in touch with on a daily basis because I feel that a critical part of me is empty until I hear from them. They know what I’m thinking or wanting to say even before I say it. They understand and accept my teasing and can dish it right back without offending or being offended. A few others, I chat with every few months, but we always pick up where we left off. The comfort of that kind of relationship is amazing beyond words. These are also the friends I know who will be there with me til the end; ones who will comfort me and just let me cry; ones who will laugh at my ghetto stories and share their own; ones that will allow me to be myself and not judge. I have no doubt that these are the friends who will share the pains of child birth, child rearing, and rejoice with me in my children’s milestones as well as shed tears of joy and pain with me for many more years to come.
As I enter this new phase of my life, I am comforted in knowing that I have many friends encouraging me along the way and who will be there to congratulate me when I am Master Ami. Through my blogging, since we live in an electronic age, I’m hoping to leave my children with a legacy of many friends who will journey with them through the phases of their lives because friendships double their joys and divide their sorrows.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
God's Voice
My commute times and shower times are the times I allow myself the luxury of thinking, analyzing, and communicating with God. They may not be the ideal settings, but it is a routine that has worked for me. Many more times than not I hear him. No, He doesn’t appear in a burning bush nor is He a booming voice from Heaven. I hear His words in my head; the quite, yet firm and gentle voice that all too often I mistake for my own conscience. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know who it is.
An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.
This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.
That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.
But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.
An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.
This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.
That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.
But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
God bless us everyone!
I recently wrote about my alone time and how much enjoyed it. However, today I spent the day with my sister-in-law’s husband’s family; the loud black family as they are lovingly referred to. There were sisters, brothers, mothers, aunts, uncles, husbands, nieces, nephews,friends, boyfriends, etc. These folks have grown up and grown old together; people who have gone through major life milestones such as marriages, births, divorces, and deaths together.
At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.
At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”
Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?
• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.
• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.
• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.
• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.
• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)
• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.
• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.
• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.
• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.
• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.
• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.
• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.
• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.
• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.
Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.
At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.
At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”
Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?
• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.
• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.
• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.
• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.
• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)
• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.
• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.
• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.
• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.
• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.
• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.
• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.
• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.
• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.
Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Pets, pets, and MORE pets!
Over the weekend, I spent some time with a friend and her daughters and by the time I left their house, I had inherited a hamster! A white looking RAT!!!! Our house now has 7 kids, two dogs, and a hamster! I don’t know what I was thinking! The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m getting soft in my old age. Most of the kids have this love for animals and I think that as I realize how fast they’re all growing up and how they all need or want the experience of pets, I’m starting to cave. All those who know me are VERY surprised by this “new” me!
The rules with pets, Maci and Choe (the dogs) sleep in our room, they’re not allowed on furniture, and not allowed upstairs. The rule for the hamster, name Rosie, is that she’s only allowed to roam the house in her ball and her cage stays in the laundry room.
I found information on line that supports my “caving in” to animals in the house so I’m going to stick with it and try to convince myself that this is a good thing and it’s healthy for the kids to have pets. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “Pets are part of many childrens' lives. Parental involvement, open discussion, and planning are necessary to help make pet ownership a positive experience for everyone. A child who learns to care for an animal, and treat it kindly and patiently, may get invaluable training in learning to treat people the same way."
It goes on to cite the advantages of pet ownership such as children raised with pets develop positive feelings about pets which can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.
Pets can serve different purposes for children:
• They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
• They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
• They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
• They provide a connection to nature.
• They can teach respect for other living things.
Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
• Physical activity
• Comfort contact
• Love, loyalty, and affection
• Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.
The rules with pets, Maci and Choe (the dogs) sleep in our room, they’re not allowed on furniture, and not allowed upstairs. The rule for the hamster, name Rosie, is that she’s only allowed to roam the house in her ball and her cage stays in the laundry room.
I found information on line that supports my “caving in” to animals in the house so I’m going to stick with it and try to convince myself that this is a good thing and it’s healthy for the kids to have pets. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “Pets are part of many childrens' lives. Parental involvement, open discussion, and planning are necessary to help make pet ownership a positive experience for everyone. A child who learns to care for an animal, and treat it kindly and patiently, may get invaluable training in learning to treat people the same way."
It goes on to cite the advantages of pet ownership such as children raised with pets develop positive feelings about pets which can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.
Pets can serve different purposes for children:
• They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
• They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
• They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
• They provide a connection to nature.
• They can teach respect for other living things.
Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
• Physical activity
• Comfort contact
• Love, loyalty, and affection
• Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Alone Time
When was the last time you were alone? I mean REALLY alone?
Before this last week, I can honestly say it’s been seven years.
There's a saying - if Mom ain't happy, nobody's happy. We know this is true - if a mom is angry, upset, or tired, the whole house is in a frenzy. Moms are, for the most part, in charge of making the house run smoothly. They change diapers, cook meals, help with homework, or just spend "mommy and me" time with their children. They devote so much of themselves to everyone else. They must make sure to be all about themselves for at least thirty minutes each day.
Instead of thirty minutes a day, I recently got a week to myself. I was being deliciously naughty this week, kicked back by the pool getting some sun and reading my book in the middle of the afternoon. I realized that I had not had to answer any questions that started with, “Where is….” You see, days and days go by where I’m pretty sure that my only function in my family is to identify the location of rouge baseball caps, runaway iPods, and, of course, the four phone handsets for the home phone on which no one calls us!
During this week I was able to catch up with phone calls to friends. It’s been a long time since my phone calls have been a priority; not to mention that I’m able to answer the phone rather than let it go to voicemail.
It’s been a week of no “Mommmmmmmmmmmmm where are you?” “Mom can I have …?” “Mom, Jaden won’t let me play with him.” Actually I have not heard the word “mom” all week. I must admit, I miss it. Laying by the pool I can’t help but wonder how my kids would have loved to be here and how much they would have enjoyed the pool and the hot tub, especially Angelina because she doesn’t like being cold.
In my conversations with my friends, I heard their kids in the background and I heard the “frazzle” in their voice. I knew they couldn’t give me a 100% of their attention because their kids needed to be fed, listened to, and catered to. I sat in silence waiting for them to finish with their kids, at the same time feeling a little envious because I don’t have my kids needing me.
This week I found myself talking incessantly about my children. I think I became one of those annoying women who cannot hold a conversation about the World Cup, Lakers vs. Celtics game, or Gulf Coast oil leak. I look out the balcony of my hotel and remember the last time we were here, cruising around the Hawaiin Islands together. I flip through the TV channels and miss the “fight” for the kid channel or mom’s channel.
Moms are extremely busy these days-and that’s just by being a mom! We forget to take time out for just ourselves. However, I found myself on foreign soil because I didn’t have to pick up after children, do the many loads of laundry, worry about their meals, and make sure they go to bed at decent time. I was able to get the “me” time I had so much wanted and needed. I was unproductive and loving it, though I did miss my tribe.
Before this last week, I can honestly say it’s been seven years.
There's a saying - if Mom ain't happy, nobody's happy. We know this is true - if a mom is angry, upset, or tired, the whole house is in a frenzy. Moms are, for the most part, in charge of making the house run smoothly. They change diapers, cook meals, help with homework, or just spend "mommy and me" time with their children. They devote so much of themselves to everyone else. They must make sure to be all about themselves for at least thirty minutes each day.
Instead of thirty minutes a day, I recently got a week to myself. I was being deliciously naughty this week, kicked back by the pool getting some sun and reading my book in the middle of the afternoon. I realized that I had not had to answer any questions that started with, “Where is….” You see, days and days go by where I’m pretty sure that my only function in my family is to identify the location of rouge baseball caps, runaway iPods, and, of course, the four phone handsets for the home phone on which no one calls us!
During this week I was able to catch up with phone calls to friends. It’s been a long time since my phone calls have been a priority; not to mention that I’m able to answer the phone rather than let it go to voicemail.
It’s been a week of no “Mommmmmmmmmmmmm where are you?” “Mom can I have …?” “Mom, Jaden won’t let me play with him.” Actually I have not heard the word “mom” all week. I must admit, I miss it. Laying by the pool I can’t help but wonder how my kids would have loved to be here and how much they would have enjoyed the pool and the hot tub, especially Angelina because she doesn’t like being cold.
In my conversations with my friends, I heard their kids in the background and I heard the “frazzle” in their voice. I knew they couldn’t give me a 100% of their attention because their kids needed to be fed, listened to, and catered to. I sat in silence waiting for them to finish with their kids, at the same time feeling a little envious because I don’t have my kids needing me.
This week I found myself talking incessantly about my children. I think I became one of those annoying women who cannot hold a conversation about the World Cup, Lakers vs. Celtics game, or Gulf Coast oil leak. I look out the balcony of my hotel and remember the last time we were here, cruising around the Hawaiin Islands together. I flip through the TV channels and miss the “fight” for the kid channel or mom’s channel.
Moms are extremely busy these days-and that’s just by being a mom! We forget to take time out for just ourselves. However, I found myself on foreign soil because I didn’t have to pick up after children, do the many loads of laundry, worry about their meals, and make sure they go to bed at decent time. I was able to get the “me” time I had so much wanted and needed. I was unproductive and loving it, though I did miss my tribe.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Jaden Faden BoBaden
According to a few birth order books I’ve read, “second-born children are often born into a competitive atmosphere, due to the pressure exerted by the eldest. They tend to adopt behaviors and characteristics that are the exact opposite of the first-born and in some cases exert more a rebellious spirit.” Also, “Second-born children show increases in traits like adventurousness and independence across adolescence.”
I’m one of two kids, and now have three biological children and four step children of my own, so I most definitely know each child dances to a different beat. You’re not supposed to compare. In fact, you’ll likely need to modify your parenting style at times to synch up with your unique offspring. I get that. I just need to remember it and put it to practice to help Jaden build his confidence and to succeed.
Middle children are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. However, I’ve discovered that if I cuddle with Jaden once lights are out, I can get him to talk about everything because physical touch is his love language and he’s also trying to avoid bed time. As a parent, you’ve got be creative!
The middle child may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. Jaden’s closest friend since kinder is Rogelio and he introduces all of his peers as, “My friend….” I’ve often wondered how everyone can be a “friend” to him in five minutes of meeting that person. Now I know. They are people pleasers and have a large social circle. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, are popular amongst friends and peers, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
To parent the middle child, take the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time. If I’m busy and other kids are demanding my attention and don’t take the time to listen to Jaden, he will plaster a fake smile on his face and quietly withdraw, physically and emotionally.
Jaden and I have started reading the diary I’ve kept for him since I found out I was pregnant with him. I read this to him and he loves it! It was also recommended that he and I journal together; write “love notes” back and forth to each other in his diary and make this “just between us.” And for me to use all of his misspelled words when I respond so I can show him how to spell them correctly without tearing down his self esteem. This will change his, “I can’t” to “I can.”
Allow the middle child to make decisions. I’ve empower Jaden, at times, to choose where we could go to dinner or where we could go to spend some alone time together; this will make him feel special by allowing him to make choices. This will also help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.
I’ve updated the family album and have created a scrapbook just for Jaden. There tend to be a billion photos of Vinh and about half of that for Jaden; I have three full albums of Vinh, two of Jaden, and half of one for Angelina. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.
Not only do I need to be sensitive to the middle child but I also need to consider my step children and their birth order as well because in the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, "blended families don't blend; they collide."
I’m one of two kids, and now have three biological children and four step children of my own, so I most definitely know each child dances to a different beat. You’re not supposed to compare. In fact, you’ll likely need to modify your parenting style at times to synch up with your unique offspring. I get that. I just need to remember it and put it to practice to help Jaden build his confidence and to succeed.
Middle children are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. However, I’ve discovered that if I cuddle with Jaden once lights are out, I can get him to talk about everything because physical touch is his love language and he’s also trying to avoid bed time. As a parent, you’ve got be creative!
The middle child may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. Jaden’s closest friend since kinder is Rogelio and he introduces all of his peers as, “My friend….” I’ve often wondered how everyone can be a “friend” to him in five minutes of meeting that person. Now I know. They are people pleasers and have a large social circle. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, are popular amongst friends and peers, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
To parent the middle child, take the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time. If I’m busy and other kids are demanding my attention and don’t take the time to listen to Jaden, he will plaster a fake smile on his face and quietly withdraw, physically and emotionally.
Jaden and I have started reading the diary I’ve kept for him since I found out I was pregnant with him. I read this to him and he loves it! It was also recommended that he and I journal together; write “love notes” back and forth to each other in his diary and make this “just between us.” And for me to use all of his misspelled words when I respond so I can show him how to spell them correctly without tearing down his self esteem. This will change his, “I can’t” to “I can.”
Allow the middle child to make decisions. I’ve empower Jaden, at times, to choose where we could go to dinner or where we could go to spend some alone time together; this will make him feel special by allowing him to make choices. This will also help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.
I’ve updated the family album and have created a scrapbook just for Jaden. There tend to be a billion photos of Vinh and about half of that for Jaden; I have three full albums of Vinh, two of Jaden, and half of one for Angelina. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.
Not only do I need to be sensitive to the middle child but I also need to consider my step children and their birth order as well because in the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, "blended families don't blend; they collide."
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ex
Friendship is so many things to so many people and can be different for everyone and in every relationship. As we get older, good friendships are harder to find, but, for this reason, I think it is even more important to cherish and celebrate them. I'm fortunate to have many great friends -- both old and new. With every hardship I've had to face in life, I've been fortunate enough to have friends by my side, journeying with me down the winding, curving roads of life's highs and lows. The past few years have been filled with change and transformation for me and I couldn't be more grateful for those who have been beside me, supporting me -- for those who have been my friends. Below is the E-mail (with modifications since I wrote it out of anger) I had sent to three girl friends and retold it to a fourth. All four had differing input, advice, and prayer which is why “you are the flowers” in my life. Thanks for the advice and laughs ladies!
"Last night, after work, I went to work out and then stopped in to watch the last 1/2 hour of Jonathan's game. When I got to the field, I see Brandi, Christen, and Curt all sitting together. Like one happy family. So, when we got home he starts talking about that. Says that he was sitting there with Christen (because he picked her up from her track meet) and when Brandi got there she just sat herself down on the other side of Christen. Says he was uncomfortable so he moved over. I said, "Why didn't you move to another row?"
So this is why I'm ticked. He may have moved over but there was NO gap between him and Christen except enough room for a bag of sunflower seeds! There was more gap between him and the woman next to him than him and Christen! How do I know this? Because when I got there I stepped in between him and the other woman to climb to the next row of seats!
I'm also mad/sad/disappointed because this is not the first time. Another time was at another game a month or so ago. We got to the baseball game. I sat in the car reading since it hadn't started yet. He sets up two of our lawn chairs. She comes over and starts chatting since she didn't see me. Asks if she could sit in one of those chairs and he says yes! But he did tell her I’d be there soon. After that time we had a talk about that and I told him straight out that I don't appreciate her sitting in my chair and what it looks like is that they're the couple. I wasn't mad really the first time because after a bit he realized how it looked and got up and stood behind his chair instead. But he knew how I felt about it and says it won't happen again.
Well, last night it happened again! I told him she shows NO respect for our marriage because this stuff keeps happening. And his actions, by not moving to another row, says the same thing. I told him that he's never said "call me before you get here" when he's asked me if I'm coming to a game. So here I am showing up at a game and see this? What am I to think? So if this stuff happens when you don't know if I'm coming or not, then what else happens when I don't come? What else don't I see?
I'm disappointed because he doesn't get it! He doesn't get why I'm hurt. Says that he's never "cheated" etc why would I even think that? It's NOT what I think. It's what I see that bothers me! And to me, actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see to get it.
None of this would be a big deal if she comes over and sits down when I'm there or talks to him when I'm there. She only does this when she doesn't see me around.
And he seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" just makes it all better. I told him last night, instead of hindsight being 20/20 and apologizing afterward, why don't you think about your actions and change it instead? Saying I'm sorry this time does NOT make it better!! I reminded him that he's always talked about people's perception and how important that is. Well, to strangers last night, the perception is that they're the couple there watching their son play baseball and their other daughter is sitting between them! That perception only changed when I showed up! I also told him that it is his responsibility to make sure that I'm secure in this relationship. That's his duty as my husband! If I'm getting the wrong perceptions then it's his responsibility to change that because if I'm seeing something that is not really there, what are other people seeing? And these people don't have any intimate knowledge of who we all are!
I understand they will always need to communicate because of the kids. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with the lack of respect for our marriage relationship. Just because she's the mother of his children does NOT give her permission to be disrespectful!
Miesha said, “The one good thing is that he felt uncomfortable with her doing that, that’s a good sign, even if he didn’t handle it the best way. He’s a guy and they are clueless. You may have to go through some mock “what do you do in this scenario” things with him so he gets it. The next time she pulls that, he should tell her, you know Brandi, I noticed that you only come around and hang out like this when my wife is not around and that’s not ok with me because it makes me feel like you’re disrespecting her and our relationship. She will be shocked and it will stop or she will go off on him, either way she will be shut down and know her place.”
Briana said, “OMG… I would be pissed too. And probably more than that, I’d feel hurt. You are completely justified in your feelings. She’s a nut. Why all the drama all the time??? You should just duke it out on Jerry Springer and be done with it once and for all!”
Jen said, “Lord, I pray that you give Ami the strength and patience to endure these circumstances that arise between Curt and his ex wife. Let her trust that you know best and will always be there for her. And I pray Father that you help Curt realize that his actions are harmful and disrespectful to his wife and that he becomes a better steward of their relationship even when he is not in her presence. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Danette said, “So, did you just show up without calling?” Of course I did!
Since the E-mail, Curt has talked to his ex about the situation and asked that she never do that again. And as Miesha predicted, she went ballistic, started calling him names, made accusations, and was all dramatic with tears. I’ve also updated my girl friends and laughed out loud at their responses.
Curt and I have also talked and have kissed and made up; with him realizing I am right. I love it when I am right!
"Last night, after work, I went to work out and then stopped in to watch the last 1/2 hour of Jonathan's game. When I got to the field, I see Brandi, Christen, and Curt all sitting together. Like one happy family. So, when we got home he starts talking about that. Says that he was sitting there with Christen (because he picked her up from her track meet) and when Brandi got there she just sat herself down on the other side of Christen. Says he was uncomfortable so he moved over. I said, "Why didn't you move to another row?"
So this is why I'm ticked. He may have moved over but there was NO gap between him and Christen except enough room for a bag of sunflower seeds! There was more gap between him and the woman next to him than him and Christen! How do I know this? Because when I got there I stepped in between him and the other woman to climb to the next row of seats!
I'm also mad/sad/disappointed because this is not the first time. Another time was at another game a month or so ago. We got to the baseball game. I sat in the car reading since it hadn't started yet. He sets up two of our lawn chairs. She comes over and starts chatting since she didn't see me. Asks if she could sit in one of those chairs and he says yes! But he did tell her I’d be there soon. After that time we had a talk about that and I told him straight out that I don't appreciate her sitting in my chair and what it looks like is that they're the couple. I wasn't mad really the first time because after a bit he realized how it looked and got up and stood behind his chair instead. But he knew how I felt about it and says it won't happen again.
Well, last night it happened again! I told him she shows NO respect for our marriage because this stuff keeps happening. And his actions, by not moving to another row, says the same thing. I told him that he's never said "call me before you get here" when he's asked me if I'm coming to a game. So here I am showing up at a game and see this? What am I to think? So if this stuff happens when you don't know if I'm coming or not, then what else happens when I don't come? What else don't I see?
I'm disappointed because he doesn't get it! He doesn't get why I'm hurt. Says that he's never "cheated" etc why would I even think that? It's NOT what I think. It's what I see that bothers me! And to me, actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see to get it.
None of this would be a big deal if she comes over and sits down when I'm there or talks to him when I'm there. She only does this when she doesn't see me around.
And he seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" just makes it all better. I told him last night, instead of hindsight being 20/20 and apologizing afterward, why don't you think about your actions and change it instead? Saying I'm sorry this time does NOT make it better!! I reminded him that he's always talked about people's perception and how important that is. Well, to strangers last night, the perception is that they're the couple there watching their son play baseball and their other daughter is sitting between them! That perception only changed when I showed up! I also told him that it is his responsibility to make sure that I'm secure in this relationship. That's his duty as my husband! If I'm getting the wrong perceptions then it's his responsibility to change that because if I'm seeing something that is not really there, what are other people seeing? And these people don't have any intimate knowledge of who we all are!
I understand they will always need to communicate because of the kids. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with the lack of respect for our marriage relationship. Just because she's the mother of his children does NOT give her permission to be disrespectful!
Miesha said, “The one good thing is that he felt uncomfortable with her doing that, that’s a good sign, even if he didn’t handle it the best way. He’s a guy and they are clueless. You may have to go through some mock “what do you do in this scenario” things with him so he gets it. The next time she pulls that, he should tell her, you know Brandi, I noticed that you only come around and hang out like this when my wife is not around and that’s not ok with me because it makes me feel like you’re disrespecting her and our relationship. She will be shocked and it will stop or she will go off on him, either way she will be shut down and know her place.”
Briana said, “OMG… I would be pissed too. And probably more than that, I’d feel hurt. You are completely justified in your feelings. She’s a nut. Why all the drama all the time??? You should just duke it out on Jerry Springer and be done with it once and for all!”
Jen said, “Lord, I pray that you give Ami the strength and patience to endure these circumstances that arise between Curt and his ex wife. Let her trust that you know best and will always be there for her. And I pray Father that you help Curt realize that his actions are harmful and disrespectful to his wife and that he becomes a better steward of their relationship even when he is not in her presence. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Danette said, “So, did you just show up without calling?” Of course I did!
Since the E-mail, Curt has talked to his ex about the situation and asked that she never do that again. And as Miesha predicted, she went ballistic, started calling him names, made accusations, and was all dramatic with tears. I’ve also updated my girl friends and laughed out loud at their responses.
Curt and I have also talked and have kissed and made up; with him realizing I am right. I love it when I am right!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A Stepmother's Prayer
Lord, help me to be a good stepmother… give me the patience of a saint, the strength of an ox, and the skin of a rhinoceros.
Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.
Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.
Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.
Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.
Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.
Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.
Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.
Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.
Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.
Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.
Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.
Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Siblings
The relationship between brothers and sisters can be quite amazing. My brother (Kiki) and I are 11 months apart (to the day) and were inseparable for a long time. We have a relationship that is more like being twins rather than older sister and younger brother.
When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.
During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.
As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.
I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.
What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”
Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”
When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.
During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.
As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.
I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.
What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”
Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Jesus was from a blended family
There are days during my marriage when I wonder if our house will ever feel like a warm, loving home. I feel a dark cloud hanging over Curt and me. Just when I thought we were making progress in an area of our marriage or in relationships within our family, something would break loose and hit us blindside.
Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.
I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”
Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?
These are a few of the dark areas in our family:
No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own
Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..
Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.
I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”
Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?
These are a few of the dark areas in our family:
No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own
Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Grad School
I’ve been accepted to Sacramento State for Grad School starting Fall 2010; it’s a two year Education program. When I told friends and family, I got mixed reactions ranging from, “Are you crazy?” “Congrats! I think you’re amazing to tackle grad school and the Brady bunch.” “Master Ami.” And, “I’ll be praying for you.”
It’s been one of my goals to someday earn my PhD and this is the first step towards that goal. But unlike my undergraduate education, my graduate work will be in my field of work, delving narrower and deeper into my chosen profession. I’m also told I will have a much closer relationship with my professors, which means no “getting by” because they’ll expect more from me as well. Grad school will also allow me to immerse myself in what I am really passionate about, which are undergraduate students at the University. And aside from gaining an advantage over others in my career, more education means more money. More money is always good!
The benefits of an advanced degree are numerous, and so are the reasons for earning one, however I do have to wonder, “Am I crazy for taking one more thing on?” I guess the answer would be “Yes!” if I weren’t learning to say “no.” I’ve informed the Children Pastor at our church that come September I’ll have to take a step back. I’m contemplating my resignation as Secretary of the soccer board. I’m learning to walk away at 4pm and not take work home. I’m going to try harder to find a replacement for myself on the PTA board. And I’ve asked my husband to “step it up a notch” come September. These are baby steps in reaching my goal.
Questions that were asked of me during my decision process were, “Can you juggle multiple tasks, projects, and papers at once?” And, “Can you manage time effectively?” I think I’ve already experimented, tested, and lived out my findings in these areas, I just need a degree that tells me I’ve mastered it.
It’s been one of my goals to someday earn my PhD and this is the first step towards that goal. But unlike my undergraduate education, my graduate work will be in my field of work, delving narrower and deeper into my chosen profession. I’m also told I will have a much closer relationship with my professors, which means no “getting by” because they’ll expect more from me as well. Grad school will also allow me to immerse myself in what I am really passionate about, which are undergraduate students at the University. And aside from gaining an advantage over others in my career, more education means more money. More money is always good!
The benefits of an advanced degree are numerous, and so are the reasons for earning one, however I do have to wonder, “Am I crazy for taking one more thing on?” I guess the answer would be “Yes!” if I weren’t learning to say “no.” I’ve informed the Children Pastor at our church that come September I’ll have to take a step back. I’m contemplating my resignation as Secretary of the soccer board. I’m learning to walk away at 4pm and not take work home. I’m going to try harder to find a replacement for myself on the PTA board. And I’ve asked my husband to “step it up a notch” come September. These are baby steps in reaching my goal.
Questions that were asked of me during my decision process were, “Can you juggle multiple tasks, projects, and papers at once?” And, “Can you manage time effectively?” I think I’ve already experimented, tested, and lived out my findings in these areas, I just need a degree that tells me I’ve mastered it.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I'm just like my mom!
The other evening I was having a typical struggle with my six year old daughter over whether or not she could wear a particular outfit when it happened. I opened my mouth, intending to say one thing, and the words of my mother popped out instead! When did I start sounding just like mom?
I’m sure many moms can relate! How many times have you told yourself “If I’m ever a mother, I’ll never do _____________ like my mom…”. And one of the most painful things for a woman to hear is the casually tossed “You’re just like your mother…”
I’ve been thinking about the mom/daughter relationship a lot lately because my daughter is sounding more and more like me. “Will she grow up to be like me?” I wonder? “And, if she does, is that a good thing?”
There’s one thing that I’m certain about: my relationship with my mom shapes and molds my personality. Maybe it prompts me to strive for the same qualities, it might hold me back from my true potential, or perhaps it pushes me to achieve something more than my mom was ever able to reach.
“Did I grow up to be just like my mom?”
1. What one personality trait of my mom had the most influence on my life? For example, my mom taught me loyalty to family. I would often hear her complain about my grandparents’ demand for her time, her siblings’ indecisiveness and poor decisions. But through it all, she’ll go out of her way to take care of everyone in the family, even her grown children.
2. What one lesson has my mom taught me that has carried with me over the years? My mom instilled a love of learning that I will be grateful for the rest of my life. She showed me, through her own life that you’re never too old to go to school and learn. At 31, she immigrated to the US, learned English, went to college, and found a career that she is passionate about.
While I never did inherit my mom’s creative skills, I hope that I can use her “never say never” attitude to enhance my life, and pass on her thirst for excellence to my own children in whatever they become interested in.
So, did I grow up to be just like my mom? Who cares! The more important question is: have the qualities my mom shared and the lessons I’ve learned helped me to make my own way in the world? As I look back at our relationship and all of the lessons I’ve learned from my mom, I thank God for the chance to use those lessons to develop the traits and ideals I want to pass to my children.
I’m sure many moms can relate! How many times have you told yourself “If I’m ever a mother, I’ll never do _____________ like my mom…”. And one of the most painful things for a woman to hear is the casually tossed “You’re just like your mother…”
I’ve been thinking about the mom/daughter relationship a lot lately because my daughter is sounding more and more like me. “Will she grow up to be like me?” I wonder? “And, if she does, is that a good thing?”
There’s one thing that I’m certain about: my relationship with my mom shapes and molds my personality. Maybe it prompts me to strive for the same qualities, it might hold me back from my true potential, or perhaps it pushes me to achieve something more than my mom was ever able to reach.
“Did I grow up to be just like my mom?”
1. What one personality trait of my mom had the most influence on my life? For example, my mom taught me loyalty to family. I would often hear her complain about my grandparents’ demand for her time, her siblings’ indecisiveness and poor decisions. But through it all, she’ll go out of her way to take care of everyone in the family, even her grown children.
2. What one lesson has my mom taught me that has carried with me over the years? My mom instilled a love of learning that I will be grateful for the rest of my life. She showed me, through her own life that you’re never too old to go to school and learn. At 31, she immigrated to the US, learned English, went to college, and found a career that she is passionate about.
While I never did inherit my mom’s creative skills, I hope that I can use her “never say never” attitude to enhance my life, and pass on her thirst for excellence to my own children in whatever they become interested in.
So, did I grow up to be just like my mom? Who cares! The more important question is: have the qualities my mom shared and the lessons I’ve learned helped me to make my own way in the world? As I look back at our relationship and all of the lessons I’ve learned from my mom, I thank God for the chance to use those lessons to develop the traits and ideals I want to pass to my children.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Girlfriends
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.
In reading this, I came to the realization that the longest relationship I have with one of my girlfriend goes back to 25+ years. That’s longer than any marriage I’ve been in! She and her family had a hand in shaping me into the person I am today.
My other girlfriend has been at the end of many frantic and frustrated E-mails about exes. She’s always been good at letting me vent and just ramble on and on, on E-mail, even when it didn’t make sense and I didn’t feel like proofreading or using spell check. She knows me well enough to decipher my messages.
Another comforted me when I was faced with one of the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life and was the first person at the hospital to help me welcome Beans into the world.
Yet another took my call at midnight and talked with me until 3am. She had to make sure I was OK first before she would allow me to hang up.
Other friends have been the nannies I needed when I was raising three kids alone. In return, I just had to feed them. They also taught me to cook for an army, or in this case, some very hungry college students.
Another friend has been my sounding board and is my constant reminder of what the Bible says is right. Sometimes, I don’t really want to talk to her but I do appreciate her sending me, “God Breathes on Blended Families” and adding me to her prayer list.
A few even allowed for a very inebriated New Year and held my hair as I clung to the toilet bowl, knowing all too well that reliving the past isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
Recently, they’ve been there during my difficult days as a mom, step-mom, wife, ex-wife, etc. They’ve allowed me to vent, cuss, and cry all the while acknowledging what I’m saying and occasionally make a joke out of the situation, putting it all in perspective for me. They’ve also allowed me the “WTF am I going to do in counseling with my ex husband’s wife?!”
They’ve been my sisters in good and bad times and we’ve waned in and out of various stages of our relationship, but through the years, I’ve found these things to be true of my friends:
1. They’ve given feedback (criticism) gently but truthfully.
2. They’ve accepted my flaw du jour. (“Am I just being a bitch?!”)
3. They’ve been physically present during crisis and traumas.
4. They’ve listened--even when totally sick of hearing me ramble for the umpteenth time about "nothing."
5. They laughed at me and with me; and have taught me to find humor in my chronic faux pas and ludicrous situations.
6. They shared my struggles.
7. They supported my wild hairs (tangents) until I figured out my own truth. ("A 'born-again virgin'? Makes sense to me.")
8. And the most important reason for our lasting friendships: LIE. (Once in awhile you just have to say "I think you look great in your favorite leopard tights." Finger crossing is allowed!)
In reading this, I came to the realization that the longest relationship I have with one of my girlfriend goes back to 25+ years. That’s longer than any marriage I’ve been in! She and her family had a hand in shaping me into the person I am today.
My other girlfriend has been at the end of many frantic and frustrated E-mails about exes. She’s always been good at letting me vent and just ramble on and on, on E-mail, even when it didn’t make sense and I didn’t feel like proofreading or using spell check. She knows me well enough to decipher my messages.
Another comforted me when I was faced with one of the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life and was the first person at the hospital to help me welcome Beans into the world.
Yet another took my call at midnight and talked with me until 3am. She had to make sure I was OK first before she would allow me to hang up.
Other friends have been the nannies I needed when I was raising three kids alone. In return, I just had to feed them. They also taught me to cook for an army, or in this case, some very hungry college students.
Another friend has been my sounding board and is my constant reminder of what the Bible says is right. Sometimes, I don’t really want to talk to her but I do appreciate her sending me, “God Breathes on Blended Families” and adding me to her prayer list.
A few even allowed for a very inebriated New Year and held my hair as I clung to the toilet bowl, knowing all too well that reliving the past isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
Recently, they’ve been there during my difficult days as a mom, step-mom, wife, ex-wife, etc. They’ve allowed me to vent, cuss, and cry all the while acknowledging what I’m saying and occasionally make a joke out of the situation, putting it all in perspective for me. They’ve also allowed me the “WTF am I going to do in counseling with my ex husband’s wife?!”
They’ve been my sisters in good and bad times and we’ve waned in and out of various stages of our relationship, but through the years, I’ve found these things to be true of my friends:
1. They’ve given feedback (criticism) gently but truthfully.
2. They’ve accepted my flaw du jour. (“Am I just being a bitch?!”)
3. They’ve been physically present during crisis and traumas.
4. They’ve listened--even when totally sick of hearing me ramble for the umpteenth time about "nothing."
5. They laughed at me and with me; and have taught me to find humor in my chronic faux pas and ludicrous situations.
6. They shared my struggles.
7. They supported my wild hairs (tangents) until I figured out my own truth. ("A 'born-again virgin'? Makes sense to me.")
8. And the most important reason for our lasting friendships: LIE. (Once in awhile you just have to say "I think you look great in your favorite leopard tights." Finger crossing is allowed!)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Simpler Life
This question of financial lack is important. After all, if Christianity is true, if God owns everything, if He is love, if He is the God of all provision, why do many of His precious children struggle in under lack of finance and/or debt? Like many people who’ve been hit hard by the economy, we’re finding a lot of creative ways to spend our time together, as a family.
We’ve turned our formal living room into a library and have spent some time in there just reading.
Pictionary, Texas Hold ‘Em, Singing Bee, Wii Resort, and Trivia Pursuit are a few games we’ve played together. Texas Hold ‘Em with 7 kids is SO predictable!
Throwing the baseball around outside; hopefully not hitting the dog square in the head.
Going on bike rides around the neighborhood and laughing at each other when our pant legs get caught in the chain.
Basketball games with the neighborhood kids.
Movie nights, with $1 movies from Redbox, and microwave popcorn is always a hit on Friday or Saturday nights.
The girls and I will spend hours scrap booking together. It’s always fun to see the end result.
And during major rain and wind storms, we have no power, so doing things by candle light is a treat. It’s as if we live in a time before electricity was invented. The kids love being able to light all the candles in the house.
Financially, it’s been a struggle for us and I know it wears on my husband. However, out of the darkness, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Because we do not have the extra discretionary income, we’ve gone back to a “simpler life” and to my surprise; the kids have embraced it and have enjoyed the time with us.
I just need to remember that often times we are doing nothing wrong but still have financial struggles. It can be a part of the training God is putting us through in order to develop us into the people He wants us to be. He wants us to have faith and trust in Him alone. He is our Source. Sometimes He takes away all external support so we can learn that He is our Supply and He doesn't need any help. Many Biblical people went through this: Job, Joseph, Moses, David, and even Jesus Himself. It has also been the experience of many Godly people since then. Financial struggles are not necessarily a sign of sin or wrong doing. They can be a part of the processes of God to work something greater in our lives and our ability to reach others. Many times there is financial reward when we come through the tests successfully.
We’ve turned our formal living room into a library and have spent some time in there just reading.
Pictionary, Texas Hold ‘Em, Singing Bee, Wii Resort, and Trivia Pursuit are a few games we’ve played together. Texas Hold ‘Em with 7 kids is SO predictable!
Throwing the baseball around outside; hopefully not hitting the dog square in the head.
Going on bike rides around the neighborhood and laughing at each other when our pant legs get caught in the chain.
Basketball games with the neighborhood kids.
Movie nights, with $1 movies from Redbox, and microwave popcorn is always a hit on Friday or Saturday nights.
The girls and I will spend hours scrap booking together. It’s always fun to see the end result.
And during major rain and wind storms, we have no power, so doing things by candle light is a treat. It’s as if we live in a time before electricity was invented. The kids love being able to light all the candles in the house.
Financially, it’s been a struggle for us and I know it wears on my husband. However, out of the darkness, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Because we do not have the extra discretionary income, we’ve gone back to a “simpler life” and to my surprise; the kids have embraced it and have enjoyed the time with us.
I just need to remember that often times we are doing nothing wrong but still have financial struggles. It can be a part of the training God is putting us through in order to develop us into the people He wants us to be. He wants us to have faith and trust in Him alone. He is our Source. Sometimes He takes away all external support so we can learn that He is our Supply and He doesn't need any help. Many Biblical people went through this: Job, Joseph, Moses, David, and even Jesus Himself. It has also been the experience of many Godly people since then. Financial struggles are not necessarily a sign of sin or wrong doing. They can be a part of the processes of God to work something greater in our lives and our ability to reach others. Many times there is financial reward when we come through the tests successfully.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
New Year's Resolution
Tradition dictates that every 365 days, you should try to kick bad habits and start your life anew. A New Year's resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day. Some examples include resolutions to donate to the poor more often, to become more assertive, or to become more environmentally responsible.
My resolution was to be nice. Simple enough right? Wrong! Because I grew up with divorced parents who were not pleasant to each other and there were clear limits set between them, this is what I’ve come to know in my divorced life. I believe there need to be clear boundary lines between exes and new spouses. I don’t think it’s OK for exes to come into my house and make themselves comfortable. That is a lack of respect and clear boundaries. However, I noticed that not everyone grew up with these clear boundaries. For example, Curt’s ex wife (Brandi) grew up with exes and new significant others intermingling and it was no big deal. And it’s still not a big deal in her circle of knowledge.
Aside from Brandi making herself comfortable in my home, she and I have never had a good relationship; there has always been friction between us, mostly because I’ve taken offense to the many things she’s said and done. I’ve asked my husband how he can just let bygones be bygones?! He reminded me “For if you forgive their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment) your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Why does he have to be right?!
So, my New Year’s Resolution is to forgive and be nice. I have to admit though that this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! Love thy enemies is never easy. But if I’m to live according to God’s words then I need to admit that I have sinned and confess my sins because He is faithful and just and will forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
The other person whom I’ve already started this process with is my ex husband’s wife (Jennifer). I’ve come to realize that he is horrible at communication and scheduling, and since she is a big part of my sons’ lives, I need to make more of an effort to communicate with her about schedules and coordinating activities. As I write this, we’ve had four positive interactions. Thank God for small miracles!
Pray for me this weekend, as this will be the first time I encounter Brandi since my New Year’s Resolution. Saint Augustine said, “Faith is to believe what we do not see…” So very true because the rewards for my pledge will probably not bear fruit for years to come or even in my lifetime. What I need to do is to rest in faith that my children's children will be blessed because I would have done what is right, no matter how awkward it may feel for me.
My resolution was to be nice. Simple enough right? Wrong! Because I grew up with divorced parents who were not pleasant to each other and there were clear limits set between them, this is what I’ve come to know in my divorced life. I believe there need to be clear boundary lines between exes and new spouses. I don’t think it’s OK for exes to come into my house and make themselves comfortable. That is a lack of respect and clear boundaries. However, I noticed that not everyone grew up with these clear boundaries. For example, Curt’s ex wife (Brandi) grew up with exes and new significant others intermingling and it was no big deal. And it’s still not a big deal in her circle of knowledge.
Aside from Brandi making herself comfortable in my home, she and I have never had a good relationship; there has always been friction between us, mostly because I’ve taken offense to the many things she’s said and done. I’ve asked my husband how he can just let bygones be bygones?! He reminded me “For if you forgive their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment) your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Why does he have to be right?!
So, my New Year’s Resolution is to forgive and be nice. I have to admit though that this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! Love thy enemies is never easy. But if I’m to live according to God’s words then I need to admit that I have sinned and confess my sins because He is faithful and just and will forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
The other person whom I’ve already started this process with is my ex husband’s wife (Jennifer). I’ve come to realize that he is horrible at communication and scheduling, and since she is a big part of my sons’ lives, I need to make more of an effort to communicate with her about schedules and coordinating activities. As I write this, we’ve had four positive interactions. Thank God for small miracles!
Pray for me this weekend, as this will be the first time I encounter Brandi since my New Year’s Resolution. Saint Augustine said, “Faith is to believe what we do not see…” So very true because the rewards for my pledge will probably not bear fruit for years to come or even in my lifetime. What I need to do is to rest in faith that my children's children will be blessed because I would have done what is right, no matter how awkward it may feel for me.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Curt's Story
I was born in Rio Vista Ca. the youngest of four brothers and a sister. When I was five years old my parents divorced. Growing up with divorced parents was never easy but looking back, there were three people in my life who shaped me into the man I am today.
My mom had to get a job and struggled to provide for her family. Somehow she always found a way to make ends meet. We never had abundance and most of the time we had barely enough. I remember my mom crying many times because she just didn’t know how she was going to make it work. At one point she went on food stamps because there was no other way. She never wanted to do that because she always told us that it was for those who absolutely needed it and she didn’t want others to have to provide for her responsibility. She soon got another job and was able to get by without the food stamps. Not that we were any better off but that she was able to just squeak by. She went to the welfare office to tell the social worker that she didn’t need the food stamps anymore. And the social worker said she couldn’t because she still qualified for them. But my mom told her that she was able to make it work without them. They argued back and forth but my mom won the argument. Personally I wish she would have lost back then, it would have made it easier. What I didn’t understand, but I do now, is that she was teaching me that the easy choices are not always the best choices.
When I was 13 years old I went to live with my dad and step mom in Sacramento because of the trouble I was getting into living with my mom. My dad already had another life established in Sacramento, without kids, but with some convincing from my uncle he let me move in with him. I did not feel welcomed in my father’s home because I was not a part of his plans and I was a bad kid with a chip on his shoulder. I didn’t appreciate all that he and my step mom were doing for me; I expected a lot from them and didn’t think I had to do anything to earn it. I believed that my dad had a lot to make up for so I didn’t think I had to take responsibility for our relationship.
My dad also had a drinking problem. At least once a week (sometimes more) he would come home drunk, usually from bowling on Wednesday night. He would come into my room wanting to talk, he would tell me how much he loved me and that he was sorry for the way things turned out. Inevitably, it would always turn into him yelling at me and blaming me for things that were wrong in his life. There was no reasoning with him because he was drunk.
From these one sided “talks” I had with my father, I learned how to deal with people who are drunk. Most people try to reason with people that are drunk but you can’t and if you try you just get frustrated.
My father died when I was 19 years. Though he was not present for much of my life, he did teach me a few things:
1. Respect my roots
2. Hard work
3. Humor
At 16, I left my father’s house and moved in with my older brother Vince. He was the father and friend I needed. He was always there for me when I had any problems. He would take me to his baseball games or out with his friends. Whenever I needed anything I knew I could always count on him. Through the years, he’s taught me the value of hard work and loving your family.
To most, it would appear that I had a horrible childhood. To me, it was real and I made the best of what I was given. And perhaps, through the years, the bad memories tend to fade and are replaced with happier times.
My mom had to get a job and struggled to provide for her family. Somehow she always found a way to make ends meet. We never had abundance and most of the time we had barely enough. I remember my mom crying many times because she just didn’t know how she was going to make it work. At one point she went on food stamps because there was no other way. She never wanted to do that because she always told us that it was for those who absolutely needed it and she didn’t want others to have to provide for her responsibility. She soon got another job and was able to get by without the food stamps. Not that we were any better off but that she was able to just squeak by. She went to the welfare office to tell the social worker that she didn’t need the food stamps anymore. And the social worker said she couldn’t because she still qualified for them. But my mom told her that she was able to make it work without them. They argued back and forth but my mom won the argument. Personally I wish she would have lost back then, it would have made it easier. What I didn’t understand, but I do now, is that she was teaching me that the easy choices are not always the best choices.
When I was 13 years old I went to live with my dad and step mom in Sacramento because of the trouble I was getting into living with my mom. My dad already had another life established in Sacramento, without kids, but with some convincing from my uncle he let me move in with him. I did not feel welcomed in my father’s home because I was not a part of his plans and I was a bad kid with a chip on his shoulder. I didn’t appreciate all that he and my step mom were doing for me; I expected a lot from them and didn’t think I had to do anything to earn it. I believed that my dad had a lot to make up for so I didn’t think I had to take responsibility for our relationship.
My dad also had a drinking problem. At least once a week (sometimes more) he would come home drunk, usually from bowling on Wednesday night. He would come into my room wanting to talk, he would tell me how much he loved me and that he was sorry for the way things turned out. Inevitably, it would always turn into him yelling at me and blaming me for things that were wrong in his life. There was no reasoning with him because he was drunk.
From these one sided “talks” I had with my father, I learned how to deal with people who are drunk. Most people try to reason with people that are drunk but you can’t and if you try you just get frustrated.
My father died when I was 19 years. Though he was not present for much of my life, he did teach me a few things:
1. Respect my roots
2. Hard work
3. Humor
At 16, I left my father’s house and moved in with my older brother Vince. He was the father and friend I needed. He was always there for me when I had any problems. He would take me to his baseball games or out with his friends. Whenever I needed anything I knew I could always count on him. Through the years, he’s taught me the value of hard work and loving your family.
To most, it would appear that I had a horrible childhood. To me, it was real and I made the best of what I was given. And perhaps, through the years, the bad memories tend to fade and are replaced with happier times.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Power of Words
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep,and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Years ago a girlfriend called me up, excited that her boyfriend called and asked her about “the kids.” For her, this was a big “next step” in their relationship. For me, I learned that day about the power of words.
Curt and I recently had a talk about how he speaks in terms of “I” or “me.” I told him that by not using “us,” “we,” or “our” he’s not acknowledging me and my role in this family. He explained it was not his intent to exclude me or to hurt me with those words. He explained that when he says “I” or “me” he is referring to me as well. I explained to him that that is not what his words convey. Needless to say, we don’t see eye to eye on this. Though I am his wife, and we are one, I cannot hear intent. Words are powerful, they carry positive or negative connotations and they express unity or individuality.
When speaking to others I endeavor to speak of “the children” or “our children” unless I’m explaining the dynamics of our blended family and which children belong to which parent. I refer to me in terms of “us,” “we,” and “our.” This lets people know I am a part of a larger family unit; that I am a wife and mother (to a tribe).
My girlfriend’s conversation has stayed with me through the years and I finally understand her excitement over “the kids” because the connotation is that her boyfriend values her kids and hopes to someday be a permanent part of their lives. Just as Curt using the words “we” or “us” would illustrate that I am in his and the children’s lives.
In analyzing my conversation with Curt, I am reminded that for six days God spoke and it was so. The words we speak have just as much authority because we were created in His image.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep,and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Years ago a girlfriend called me up, excited that her boyfriend called and asked her about “the kids.” For her, this was a big “next step” in their relationship. For me, I learned that day about the power of words.
Curt and I recently had a talk about how he speaks in terms of “I” or “me.” I told him that by not using “us,” “we,” or “our” he’s not acknowledging me and my role in this family. He explained it was not his intent to exclude me or to hurt me with those words. He explained that when he says “I” or “me” he is referring to me as well. I explained to him that that is not what his words convey. Needless to say, we don’t see eye to eye on this. Though I am his wife, and we are one, I cannot hear intent. Words are powerful, they carry positive or negative connotations and they express unity or individuality.
When speaking to others I endeavor to speak of “the children” or “our children” unless I’m explaining the dynamics of our blended family and which children belong to which parent. I refer to me in terms of “us,” “we,” and “our.” This lets people know I am a part of a larger family unit; that I am a wife and mother (to a tribe).
My girlfriend’s conversation has stayed with me through the years and I finally understand her excitement over “the kids” because the connotation is that her boyfriend values her kids and hopes to someday be a permanent part of their lives. Just as Curt using the words “we” or “us” would illustrate that I am in his and the children’s lives.
In analyzing my conversation with Curt, I am reminded that for six days God spoke and it was so. The words we speak have just as much authority because we were created in His image.
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