Stay at home mom....what's it worth?

I am leaning towards being a stay-at-home mom. My problem is that I feel that I have to have a young baby to be worthy of staying at home. I have 7 kids but all are in school, the youngest is a third grader. I want to stay at home because as the years fly by I’m realizing more and more I don’t have much time left with any of them. I’m actually learning to stop and smell the roses along the journey.

But whenever I hear anyone talk about being a stay at home mom, the next thing I hear is that they have small children. Are there any parents out there, who came to the realization that they wanted to stay at home for their family but did not have small kids? I feel like if someone ask me what do I do and I tell them that I am a homemaker but I do not have small kids at home, they will say to me that you don't have a child at home during the day, so why are you not working until he comes home? Because for me, I’d make more money being a stay at home mom, if only there was a paycheck involved.

So what's a mom worth?

According to one report, $115,432 a year.

The most recent survey revealed that -- like many others -- Mom's compensation has gone down slightly. The 2011 results indicate that stay-at-home moms earned a base salary of $36,968 plus $78,464 in overtime, bringing her total compensation to $115,432.

Mothers working outside the home earned a "mom" base salary of $39,763 plus $23,709 in overtime totaling $63,472 in addition to the compensation from their day job.
According to this year's survey, the typical stay-at-home mom spends 13.2 hours as a day care center teacher; 3.9 hours as the family's CEO; 7.6 hours as a psychologist; 14.1 hours as a cook; 15.4 as a housekeeper; 6.6 hours doing laundry; 9.5 hours as a computer operator; 10.7 hours as a facilities manager; 7.8 hours as a janitor and 7.8hours as a van driver. Also uncovered was Mom's increased role as family psychologist and facilities manager and diminished role as CEO.

Hmmmm….I need to seriously consider this stay at home gig.

Decorating

I’ve always been a firm believer that kids’ bedrooms should be organized, have a theme (sports for boys and princess for girls), and are neat and tidy. In the last six months or so I’m finding that I need to learn to walk away and have the mindset of “this is not my room, it's theirs.” This has become my mantra and I also avoid going into their rooms as much as possible.

If you are planning on decorating your child’s bedroom, to avoid fights, hassles and headaches, let them be involved in the planning stage. As parents, we tend to put our likes and dislikes on our children. However, children have minds of their own; they have their own likes and dislikes. We learned this when they were two, and the “terrible two’s” commenced. How could we have forgotten?

I have to remember that although it’s my house, it’s their room. Children spend a lot of time in their rooms and it should reflect their style, not mine. Allow them to use their creativity as an outlet to decorating their own space. This is probably one of the first things they can do that will allow them to be an individual. I still need to guide them, as these decisions are made, to watch budget, safety and growth potential. (By growth potential I mean that if your child decides on a style of window treatment and fabric, make sure that the window treatment being picked at age 8, will grow with them to age 16. So maybe the style of the window treatment is okay, but the fabric needs to be more age neutral.)

Letting my children be a part of the decorating process as well as allowing a poster or two of Justin Beiber to be hung, will not only be adding to the "beauty" of my home, but me and my children will be happier for it.

Understanding this is still a work in process for me; I’m still having a hard time getting rid of my daughter’s high chair even though she’s turning 8 in a few months. It's even harder to get rid of her flower lamp and flower dresser knobs...They grow up so fast.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

Forming a blended family is more about the journey than reaching a particular destination. Moments of sheer terror may mark parts of the trip, but the process of meeting those challenges together can be more rewarding than any travel brochure could possibly describe.

I’ve realize I'd been so busy focusing on getting to the destination, that I missed the real fun - the journey.

This happens all the time in a remarriage with children. You get remarried and can't wait to have a "family" again. Unfortunately, what frequently happens is that couples are completely blindsided by how things don't go smoothly in this family.

• Everyone isn't excited about being a family.
• People may not even like each other.

This is when everyone starts becoming very disillusioned and begins to think there's something wrong with this family. It's not acting like the previous one you were a part of. Parents start questioning whether they've made a huge mistake by creating this remarriage with children and may even begin thinking re-divorce.

I tell you, wait! Enjoy the journey. Research has shown us time and again that it can take up to 7 years for a remarriage with children to begin to feel comfortable and really function well together. That's a LONG journey in order to get to your destination of "comfortable."

If all you do is focus on what's wrong right now, you miss out on a lot of really cool times. Keep your eyes open for those times when your family life is calm - even if it's for a few moments. Those sightings are what will let you know you're heading in the right direction and aren't lost.

While the journey in a remarriage with children may be long and perilous, there's a rich and satisfying destination for those brave enough to remain on the path. That path is often difficult to navigate and often I’ve felt that I’ve fallen and have no more energy to pick myself up, dust of the dirt, and keep on trucking.

Birthdays

Birthdays need to be celebrated. I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion or a victory. Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone ‘thank you for being you’. Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say ‘thanks for what you did or said or accomplished’ no, we say ‘thank you for being born and being among us’.

On birthdays we celebrate the present. This is the day that God has made for us to be and to be together.

We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen but we lift someone up and let everyone say ‘we love you’. Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness and affection.
Consequently, a birthday party or function is an occasion to let everyone be a part of your happy moments. In this hi-tech era, we hardly have any time to relax and enjoy the company of family and friends. It is a time to be with your near and dear ones once again. Birthday is a time to celebrate a child’s presence in your life. In short, every birthday is a great occasion. It is an occasion to thank God for his wonderful graces; life is a gift from God. Therefore, we should thank Him for this gift. We should also thank him for His loving protection. Moreover, it is an opportunity to thank all those who love you.

I’m of the mindset that as far as birthdays go, bigger IS better. By bigger, I mean those huge expensive birthday celebrations that include all of my kids’ friends and my friends and their kids at my house climbing rock walls, sliding on portable water slide bounce houses, eating, four birthday cakes, and more eating. There is never a lack of food nor a chocolate fountain. Since I combine parties for all 7 kids (one big party in spring and another one in fall) I can justify spending over $500 on a party. Why would I put myself through this twice a year? Because in Vietnamese culture birthdays are not important, unless it’s the 1 month birthday of a child. I make it a point to celebrate my children’s birthdays every year and my kids seem to enjoy these lavish affairs. Maybe I do too, though I beg not to celebrate my own. All the hoopla makes me anxious. I’ve given a lot more thought to the significance of birthdays lately because I’m starting to feel my age and see how fast time slips by.

Yes, there is a lot of prep work and clean up but it’s worth it to see the smiles and to feel the excitement building up to the big day. This year’s birthday party is scheduled to be over eight hours long just because that’s how the rock wall and water slide worked out. This is not to mention all of the uncles and aunties coming from out of town to help celebrate. Of course, it’s also turned into an adult party with wine, beer, mixed drinks, and wedding videos. I can’t wait! I think the adults are more excited than the kids this year.

I’m sure they’ll be a few hairy moments and “Mom, he did…” “Mom, Jaden hit me….” or “Mom, I need help….” Maybe I’ll just have a few cocktails and take a nap and let my husband be mom and dad for the day.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom,

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "everyone is equal in this world." That not one person is better than another. That we are all human and that we all make mistakes.
Mom, thank you for teaching me to "never go to bed angry at someone." That there is always tomorrow to discuss it over and come to some kind of agreement. To kiss and love the person anyway because we never know when they will be taken from us.
Mom, thank you for teaching me that "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." That you should be kind and soft spoken instead of using harsh words. That anger just makes things worse.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all." That it is much better to remain silent than to say something that you will regret later on and cannot take back.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "patience is a virtue." That in this world you will need to wait sometimes and that instant gratification just makes your heart want more.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "good things come to those who must wait." That if it is meant to be it will happen. That if it is not meant to be than there is a reason even though we do not know why. That someday we will understand when the time is right.

Mom, thank you for teaching me to "treat others as you would like to be treated." That "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" will open your eyes to how they must feel.

I honor you, Mom, with my love and gratitude because of these things that you have taught me in life. I will never forget them. Because of you, Mom, I have become a person who tries to be nonjudgmental, kind, patient, fair, loving and compassionate. I only hope that I can pass these same characteristics down to my children, so that they will be as proud of me as I am of you.

May the good Lord continue to bless you with good health and many many more wonderful years to come. I Love You, Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

RIP Edward Kate Nelson

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it and so must our children; if we are to help them, we must let them know it’s okay to talk about it.

By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help.

What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.

We had a death in the family yesterday.

Edward Kate Nelson passed leaving behind her friend Bill. The female guinea pig with a boy name was entrusted to us by Megan who needed to find a good home for her before she went off to grad school. But I failed in my charge to care for the pigs.

It was a sad day for all of us. Curt and Angelina were especially sensitive; Curt, the man who didn’t want the pigs in the first place. Angelina loves all animals but treats them like stuff animals and is sometimes too rough on them. She was bitten twice by Edward, who was protesting against the hugging. Though she was offended that Edward bit her, she still said she was her favorite.

Edward’s service was officiated by Curt with all family members present, including the neighbor kid. She is survived by Bill Nelson. She was buried with some parsley, her favorite treat, and will be missed by all.

Angelina cried in Kimberly’s arms and mine and told me she had prayed asking God to not let any other animals die in our house unless they’re old or really sick.

It’s been generalized that many of us are inclined not to talk about things that upset us, especially death. We try to put a lid on our feelings and hope that saying nothing will be for the best. But not talking about something doesn’t mean we aren’t communicating. Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say.

I was inclined to tell Angelina, “She’s in a better place… “ because I sometimes think she’s too young to really understand death and dying but she always surprises me with her insight. She was two when her great grandma died and still talks about it now and then with me; simply saying, “I miss ba co.” Edward’s death shook her up now that she’s a little older and understands death a little more. Death will never be easy and it produces many tears but if we can have dogs in heaven, couldn’t we have pigs too?

Mother-land

“A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.”
“A good mother is someone whose child wants to follow her.”

Quoted from Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. This quote stuck with me. It really stuck.

Would my kids want to follow me? I have to look long and hard at myself to honestly answer that question.

Am I a good mother?

By whose standards am I trying to answer this question? I think this band of women called mothers is sometimes no band at all. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think this band is a group of our worst enemies. And it all comes down to comparisons.

Why do we compare our job performance when it comes to mothering? And by what standard do we use to measure this? It seems like Mother-land would be a much better place if women around the cul-de-sac reached out to support, lift up and love each other as women and as fellow mothers and not to compare ourselves and our children with each other to the extent that we do.

Comparisons – they are everywhere.

On the playground … your child can cross the monkey bars; mine cannot.

In our neighborhood … my child can ride a bike; yours cannot.

In our school … so and so’s child is in the top reading group; why isn’t mine?

At church … that child is sitting quietly while mine is misbehaving.

In the grocery store … I have sugar cereal in my basket; she’s got bunny shaped bran flakes.

In restaurants … tantrum deluxe vs. sitting and eating appropriately.

We have all been on both sides of the fence. In one situation our child acts like a perfect angel and in another, ours is the one that we want to deny is our child. I am very guilty of this, but when I sit and think about the purpose it serves to constantly compare what we’re doing vs. what our neighbor is doing vs. how my kids behave vs. how her kids behave, really, who cares? We are all in this together. We are all trying our very best to raise independent, competent, real, loving human beings and does it really matter what everybody else is doing? If they jumped off the proverbial parenting bridge, would I?

So am I a good mother?

Would my children want to follow me?
My answer is…I’m a work in progress.

But I can tell you this. The next time I get on the comparison merry-go-round, I’m going to get off and hope I have some little feet behind me.

Something is not right

Something is not right, and I felt unsettled. This is not how life is supposed to be. I needed to start over. But what exactly does this mean? Some advised me to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start. I desired a change.

Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder success. Life is like a building; sometimes it needs to be torn down and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut myself off from everyone and everything I believe in and care about just because my life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation needed to fulfill life’s purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.

Here are three things I’ve found to help in my starting over.

1. Identify exactly how to and not to start over

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following helped me determine to what extent I needed and yearned to start over.

Mentally

I wanted to start over mentally. This ranged from changing how I approached only one aspect of my life, to changing my entire mental approach to handling and coping in a step family.

I reminded myself to not allow myself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash my brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.

For example, all I’ve ever known was that exes are not supposed to be friends, not even cordial to each other. That has been portrayed to me in my own life when my father and mother divorced as well as I have seen it amongst my friends’ parents. However, this past year I had to wash my brain of those thoughts and change my way of thinking.

I’ve also had to get rid of negative thinking and taking everything personally. Let me explain: In this last week I’ve had to turn off lights in rooms where no one was in and have had to pick up pajama piles left by Jonathan in the morning as he changes and rush downstairs for breakfast. I said to my hubs last night, “Can you talk to the kids about turning off lights in rooms where no one is in?” That question and the attitude I had behind it brought everything full circle; I was back to the beginning of when all of my troubles started. This morning, as I drove into work and spending time with God I was reminded about my attitude and my negativity. I was reminded to let the little unimportant stuff go because the kids don’t do it to intentionally hurt me nor are they thinking, “We’re not going to listen to her.” In the past I would allow this to eat at me. This morning I heard, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In the past, when I accepted and internalize information, I was re-structuring a part of how I think. Deep inside, I was not happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I needed to learn and remember my life has purpose, I have great talent waiting to be developed, and am valuable to the world and to God. I need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in my life. I also needed to change how I see myself, my worth, and my strengths as a person. It was critical to rid my negative thoughts. I had to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. I intend to start anew.

Geographically

I felt compelled to start over geographically. While it can be difficult to move, Curt and I both believed that a geographical change was the best solution. It was unconventional and I had to leave because of the pain that I had caused and this was the one way to ease the pain and start healing. I learned that when I faced my pain, I can conquer it as I heal, but when I ran from it, I will usually find it follows me, as it grows in the chase.

Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it was exactly what our lives needs. We had prayed about it, talked about it, and then embraced it. Curt and I seized the opportunity to make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

It was also necessary to start over emotionally.

It was essential to change how I respond to my children, step-children, and husband. I needed to set myself free from destructive patterns of relating and find alternative means of coping.

According to research published in a recent issue of the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, our emotional response to stressful situations could predict our body’s physical reaction to it as well as possible future health problems. Those individuals that tend to become quickly agitated when tackling even insignificantly stressful tasks could be more at risk of inflammation, which over time could lead to inflammatory diseases, such as cardiovascular disease.

Spiritually

I had to start over spiritually. When I thought about starting over spiritually, I listened to my heart, where my spiritual life begins. I also spent a lot of time on my knees. I believe God calls to us, and it was vital I listen and humble myself as Jesus did for us.

It is my belief that there is nothing more important than our engagement in our spiritual evolution, a process of healing and awakening. It is also my belief that to fully embody this we have to live it and express it in how we live, what we say, what we think. Every single choice that we make increases or decreases our development, and never before has the consequences of that ever been greater.

2. Remove the hindrances to starting over

Change the sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Often times people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people. Life is not fair and sometimes it hits us hard. But triumph despite the challenges. I had to change the expectation of fairness, and realize comparing myself to the kids' mom only hindered me. I had to push through the belief of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

Challenge the sense of effort

I did not want to do what it would take, I did not think I had to, but it really was worth it, so I did it anyway. I put forth the effort, and re-define for myself, what my life means to me and to my future generations. Effort is not the amount of energy that something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. This change is much harder than I had imagined but instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, I challenged myself beyond what I envisioned possible.

I also applied this to my life when I got accepted to graduate school. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, seven children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other working professional mothers and wives. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take prevent me from expending the effort it did take. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates my success!

Choose the sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who I allow to influence me. Ignore those who say I can’t, and surround myself with those who believe I can.

I find this sphere of influence concept works particularly well if I am angry, sad, ticked off or heartbroken. If the offending party continues to offend, I flipped them out of my sphere of influence so that I can make room for people that make me feel good. However, I caution that if you absolutely can’t flip someone out of the sphere, make sure you get an extra dose of positive people in the sphere for counter balance! It’s not easy, but I guarantee that surrounding yourself with positive people will have a positive influence.

I’ve also discovered other step family blogs which helps when I think I’m the only one in the world of step families with troubles. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same things I have and have found positive ways to cope with stress.

3. Just do it!

I can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keeping eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. I know what is required for a better me.

Today, I am starting over. A new chapter has demanded itself into fruition. The turn of the revolving doors has sent me in a new direction. I have stepped out of the thick brush and back onto my path. The “refresh” button has been pushed, my passion has been restored. If “Amazing Grace” has ever spoken to me before, today I am ready to listen.

Boys Can Cook Too

There was a time when a girls place was considered to be in the kitchen and a boys place anywhere else, as long as it was as far from the kitchen as possible. But times have changed. Not only do young men need to know how to provide for themselves on a budget, many of them also enjoy cooking. Boys need to learn to cook so that they can be self-sufficient and capable of feeding themselves – no excuses. Plus, think how happy his future significant other will be to find out that he is a good cook. Unfortunately, many still believe that cooking is for women. How silly is that, since many of the best chefs are men.

When my boys are at their dad’s house he feeds them hot dogs with ramen noodles, scramble eggs and toast, or microwave meals. YUCK! So, my oldest has asked that I teach him how to cook so he can cook for his dad and brother when he’s there. Ever since he learned the finer points of the food pyramid, I think he’s concerned about keeping his girlish figure.

My kids like to help at a very young age, but I’ve often chased them from the kitchen believing their “help” will be more work for me. What I should have done instead is take the necessary precautions, teach them the rules of the kitchen, teach them to clean up after themselves, and supervise them constantly. Teaching children from a young age builds confidence. It also encourages them to try new things.

In addition to spending time with my boys and doing something I love, it is wonderful to watch them take so much pride in their cooking and manage to have fun in the process. This past weekend I taught Jonathan and Vinh how to make fettuccini alfredo, corn, and chocolate brownies and cake for dessert. The meal was a big hit!

Once boys thought they had no need for cooking skills. After all, they would grow up and marry a wife who would cook wonderful meals for them. There is no longer any guarantee that this will happen. With changing social patterns many young men remain single. If they don’t cook their own meal, no one else will do it for them. In these circumstances, boys who have been taught to cook while young have a definite financial and nutritional advantage when it comes to feeding themselves.

Even if young men do marry, there is no guarantee they will automatically be fed by loving wives. These days most marriages are partnerships, with both partners sharing responsibilities. These shared responsibilities should also include cooking a basic meal. Money goes a lot further when both partners are able to take their turn cooking simple, nutritious meals.

Boys will fare much better in their independent lives away from home if they can cook. By starting with simple tasks, such as boiling water and making toast, under parental guidance boys become comfortable in the kitchen. As they grow older they become more independent in the kitchen and learn to look after themselves. Mine have learned the art off “cooking” waffles in the toaster since the age of 3 so they wouldn't go hungry since I don't "do" breakfast.

It is my role to see that this independent confidence happens. When my sons leave home for the first time, I will have taught them to cook and will feel more relaxed, knowing that these boys have grown into young men who are at ease in the kitchen and who know how to make a meal other than hot dogs and ramen. I will know that I have given my sons skills that will enable them to survive both financially and socially in their new independent lives.

Stay in touch

In the last five years or so I’ve been notoriously bad at keeping in touch. It's not that I don't think of people, and it's not even that I don't think of getting in touch. It’s that there’s something that’s got to give and for me that has been hour long phone calls amongst a few other things.

Sometimes we get annoyed when we have a friend who never initiates an invitation or a phone call. Danielle, I’m reminded of you :) If it bothers you to always do the calling, but you truly value this friendship, maybe it’s time to forget about protocol. I have friends who I’ve known for 20 years and we always pick up where we left off when we see each other again but we can go for years without as much as a phone call. Again, Danielle, that’s you! *lol* Just because you’re the one who always calls does not necessarily mean that the friendship is one-sided. I have friends who are always so glad I called, or sent a birthday card, or wrote, but they rarely ever reciprocate. I do all the staying in touch. It’s not something I fully understand, except to say it’s the way these people are wired. I rarely worry that these girls aren't interested in a friendship with me. I honestly feel that I'd pick up on a vibe if that were indeed the case. Is that ballsy? Am I being a little too overconfident? Well, maybe, but I do think most of us can tell the difference between a friend who isn't good at keeping in touch, and a friend who wants us out of her life.

Think about it; perhaps there is someone who calls, emails, or generally seeks you out more than you do them. How does it make you feel when they call? You enjoy hearing from them, right? I love it!

You may think you’ll have time to stay in touch, and just as you’re about to reach out, your child (or children) needs help with a problem or your husband needs to vent about a work situation. You forget to call your friend during the time she was on your mind and just like that, weeks have passed. Don’t feel guilty! Our girlfriends understand that it’s important to put the needs of our family first. But don’t let this go on perpetually.

Why not contact someone, who you call friend, this week? Go through your address book and call.

I need to call Jen about her reduction and to catch up on gossip from Minnesota, Sheri since she just had a new baby, Michelle to update her on my life and to get her update, Megan to get the scoop on the new/old bf, Beth to check up on her, Twila to get news about my nephew and nieces, Lisa to wish her a Happy Birthday, Charel to ask how I can pray for her family, Danette because she needs to talk to me, and Shirleen to catch up since we’ve been playing phone tag for a month now! And that’s only half of my list! I think I’ll rely on Facebook and text for the rest.

Fabulous friendships can die through neglect. Don't allow this to happen to you. With Facebook, Skype, IMs, text, etc. there should be NO reason why I can’t stay in touch with my friends.

To quote from Nike, JUST DO IT!

Mr. B

Dear Mr. Braafladt,

It's not particularly hard to identify the most influential teachers in my life as I think about them time and time again, year after year. I had many. But one who stands out above the rest.

I walked into your English class trembling with fear because I had heard rumors about how strict you were from other students and those rumors were confirmed on the first day of school when you asked us to memorize our favorite poems and be prepared to discuss why it was our favorite. I still remember The Road Not Taken 20+ years later.

You were intelligent, thought-provoking, and interesting. You asked us questions that forced us to consider opinions and beliefs outside of ourselves. You helped me recognize a deep appreciation for writing. On a personal level, you began to invest in me as a student and friend. Your commitment to my learning, my confidence, and my overall well-being was a testament to your character.

I will never forget the many hours we spent in the classroom and on the school newspaper but mostly I remember how most of us were dedicated because it meant we could share more time with you. You encouraged me to always expect more from myself, to be honest and compassionate when dealing with others, and to use my gifts and talents to make the world a better place. As a student in your classroom, you showed me the impact one teacher can have. Thank you for being the teacher you are and were -- to students who needed you the most.

Even when I was struggling, you encouraged me. When I was confused, you believed in me. When I wanted to give up, you pushed me harder. In your classroom, I learned how to be a student, how to experience success.

Somewhere in the thousand "warm conversations" that you and I shared, you said something that has helped defined who I am as a person. You encouraged my love for reading and writing and that love never left me-I hope to instill that into my children. Every time I pick up a book I think of the man who made me think beyond my teenage years.

Thank You, Mr. Braafladt, for being one of the most challenging teachers that I ever had the chance to learn from.

Boys will be boys

Five short years ago my boys were sheltered from toy guns because I saw no need for them to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.

Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My sons loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.

What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my sons would be left out of most neighborhood games. And even if I banned them, the damage was done: They had seen the guns and each wanted one.

I was advised by friends to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, they said, and you'll only make things worse.

So I nervously watched while my innocent children played guns. I research the pros and cons of toy guns and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up. And after days of intense interest, the plastic guns lay forgotten next to the toy box while my sons once again watched the Disney channel.

If only I was to be so lucky.

The same sons are now 10 and 9 (along with their step-brother Jonathan who is 11) enjoy movies that have anything to do with lots of action and shooting the bad guys. They also have a BB guns, pellet guns, Nerf guns, and enjoy shooting targets at Cub Scout camps or down at the creek. One of their most favorite activities is to play war with Nerf guns in the dark. There is so much laughter and screaming it would give any mother a headache! Did I mention that it sounds like a herd of elephants upstairs too?

So no -- I don't have any advice for steering little boys away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.

In the world of hot parenting topics, boys and imaginary gunplay rank at the top. In a culture already filled with violent video games, TV programs, and images of a real war, it can be unnerving to see an innocent child pretending to kill someone. Yet no study has yet linked pretend gunplay to future violent behavior, and most child experts agree that by forbidding gunplay entirely, parents give it far more power and will probably drive it underground.

Assuming you’re willing to take their word for it, what should you do? How can you allow your kids to “experiment” and use their imagination, guns blazing, without losing your cool? Here are a few tips:

• Shaming Is Never Helpful. Despite our potential discomfort, we must be careful in how we deal with boys who want to play with pretend guns. “The last thing you want to do is shame your child – because that leads boys to mask their feelings and act with false bravado” warns William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the gunplay, and even play along to better understand your child’s perspective.


• Clarify Your Values. A child participating in gunplay is usually yearning to understand power in relationships. By killing the “bad guys” he can, in his mind, exert some control over his world.

• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.

• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys play with guns is, in part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."

• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says "If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have experienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games, and books.)

Take a deep breath and realize this is a stage, like any other. It doesn’t mean your child is destined for a life of crime. Curiosity and vulnerability often lie underneath our sons’ “Bang, Bang” bravado. This may be helpful to remember next time there’s a finger pointed in your direction.

Grad School Tips to Keep You Sane

One of the biggest challenges grad students face is dealing with the number of demands coming at them from different directions: class work, assignments, reading - combine that for some students with working full- or part-time, being married, and raising a family. As a grad student, wife, mother, friend, volunteer, taxi cab driver, daughter, sister, neighbor, etc. I’ve found that I’ve needed to set priorities and needed to relax in other areas like having a completely clean house. I’ve also reduced my cooking down to 3 or 4 days a week, the rest of the week are for left overs, frozen pizza, and popcorn chicken.

Keep healthy: While in grad school, it is essential that you take care of yourself physically, emotional and mentally; I recommend massages. Assess your energy level. If you are not getting enough sleep then you will not be able to retain as much information; I go to bed by 11. Graduate school faculty and administrators recommend that you try to keep some balance in your life while doing your graduate studies. Keep your perspective by getting enough rest, exercise, and eating a healthy diet; all easier said than done!

Schedule family time: Manage your time wisely because it will determine your success or failure. Some students find it helpful to schedule a regularly occurring date with their family and keep it no matter what; I plan time with husband around business trips. Be honest with your children and spouse about the amount of time you have available to them; this sometimes require you to drop what you’re doing to play a game of HORSE or to cuddle. Answering their questions and taking time to explain the situation can go a long way.

Get to know people: Make friends with the other students in your classes - these people are facing the same challenges you are. Create a support system among your classmates (Facebook is an awesome tool). You will find the reassurance, reminders and interaction that you get from the other students to be invaluable. The ability to establish good working relationships with your fellow students and faculty are also important. Every single person in your class is a potential contact in your field. You will need these contacts later as your career and experience develop.

Be organized: In graduate school, you are expected to attend classes. If you miss even one, you'll have a huge amount of work to catch up on. Plenty of learning in graduate studies comes from experiences rather than what you learn in class and read in your texts. But still be prepared to do considerably more reading and research than your undergrad experience. Learn to be organized. Have time and task management systems prepared ahead of time. Get a daytimer (since this is almost obsolete, most of us now use our smart phones), calendar or PDA that allows you to plug in deadlines, group meetings, family obligations, volunteer work, or mentoring/tutoring time. I have my calendar on my phone, at my desk at work, and at my desk at home. I know, I’ve been told I’m an obsessive compulsive.

Approach your studies with the right attitude: Think of graduate school as a job, rather than school. Take initiative in advancing your own skills and learning, much like in a job. Be prepared for more work and less fun than your undergrad years, but the learning will be more fulfilling. The main difference between graduate studies and undergrad is that you will actually apply what you've been learning in many different ways throughout the classes. If I'm honest, I must confess that I hope it brings in the prestige and big bucks!

As grad students we face many pressures. There are even more demands on time for those students with families and jobs. Reading, group meetings, and expectations of faculty are just a few of the pressures. Staying focused and being persistent are important skills needed to be successful in graduate school. We already have the intelligence and initiative.

Resolve to Laugh More in 2011

Research shows that laughter, the physiological response to humor, has a beneficial impact on one’s health. A good belly laugh leads to muscle relaxation, resulting in decreased tension. Humor also reduces the levels of stress hormones found in the blood — stress hormones can weaken the immune system, leading to increased potential for illness. To top it off, studies have shown that watching a 60-minute comedy can sufficiently increase immunoglobulin A, which protects against upper respiratory problems and increases the number of natural killer cells that seek out and destroy tumor cells in the body. Laughter has also been associated with pain reduction. It is theorized that this is due to the production of endorphins, the body’s natural pain killer, coupled with muscle relaxation.

In 2011, I have resolve to try and look at life’s frustrating and stressful situations with an eye for how I can re-frame and see the humor in the situation. With introspection, I realize that most of the time, I keep telling myself, “Let her (my7years old who dresses like Punky Brewster-Google and have yourself a good laugh) wear what she wants, someday, you’ll look back on this laugh.” One day I’ll look through these pictures of the many phases of Angelina’s attire and smile at the fond memories. Though, for the most part she’s a “mini me”, I find that I no longer have any say when it comes to her attire; she has her own sense of style and no one can teach her differently, though Christen and I have tirelessly and patiently tried. I picture myself someday telling these stories to my friends, family, and grandchildren, throw in a few added embellishments, and I can give myself and those around me more to laugh about.

So, if you’re not naturally funny, how can you go about adding fun, laughter, and happiness into your life? These health tips can help you develop your sense of humor!

• Hang funny cartoons or pictures where they will be a constant visual cue to smile (on the refrigerator, over your work desk, next to your bed).
• Find a good joke book at your library or bookstore, or search for jokes on the Internet. Learn one or two good ones and practice them on your friends. Schedule a joke night with family where everyone must tell a joke at dinner.
• Rent some funny movies.
• Try to see the humor in your own situation as much as possible.
• Laugh at yourself!

By the way, a doctor was reviewing his patient’s test results and called the patient’s wife to tell her of his findings. “Your husband is a very sick man — his cholesterol and blood pressure are very high and his diabetes is out of control. Unless you do what I tell you he will be dead in six months”.

“What should I do?” she asks.

“Remove all stress from his life, keep the house spotlessly clean, cook him three nutritious meals a day and have sex with him whenever he wants.”

The wife hung up the phone and said to her husband: “That was Dr. Smith with your test results.”

“What did he say?”

“He said you’re going to die.”

For my mother

What is a single mother? Is she a woman with much strength and love or pain and fear? Maybe she's the devil in disguise or perhaps the angel beneath the pain.

Could she be a single woman of much style and grace?

One thing is for certain; no one can understand what a single mother is unless they experience the feeling themselves. A single mother is a woman who is filled with everlasting, unconditional love, and words of wisdom to guide the way through life.

A single mother doesn't receive much credit today for the way she dedicates her life to working long hard hours and making time in her busy schedule to take care of what is hers. She goes through life trying so hard to do her best for her child, yet sometimes she feels as if the world is caving in.

I've had a single mother for thirty years of my life. It wasn't easy. I had to grow up quicker than most kids so that I could help my mother. Thoughts of not having a father became an issue from time to time, but today I wouldn't change it for the world!

When I was a little girl and I fell and scraped my knee; good old mom was there to doctor me up with her tender touch and loving care. She tucked me into bed at night and rubbed my belly when I was sick.

When the time came to cry, my mom had a way of showing me how to take my hanging head and hold it up high and proud. As adulthood moved in and romance became a part of my life, mother was often needed.

I fell in love and he broke my heart. I ran to my mother and poured out all my pain. I couldn't seem to conquer the fear of moving on and tears fell like the rain pouring down on a dark, gloomy day, but mom was always there.

She taught me how to disregard my fears, and she calmed my cries by showing me that life goes on. She told me "You have to accept what has gone wrong, forgive him and yourself and move on."

Some say a mother is one who bears children, one who cooks and cleans and that's all she is here for. For me, she's the soothing of the soul and the healing of the heart.

A mother: a kind-hearted woman with much strength, wisdom, and integrity.