My commute times and shower times are the times I allow myself the luxury of thinking, analyzing, and communicating with God. They may not be the ideal settings, but it is a routine that has worked for me. Many more times than not I hear him. No, He doesn’t appear in a burning bush nor is He a booming voice from Heaven. I hear His words in my head; the quite, yet firm and gentle voice that all too often I mistake for my own conscience. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know who it is.
An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.
This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.
That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.
But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
God bless us everyone!
I recently wrote about my alone time and how much enjoyed it. However, today I spent the day with my sister-in-law’s husband’s family; the loud black family as they are lovingly referred to. There were sisters, brothers, mothers, aunts, uncles, husbands, nieces, nephews,friends, boyfriends, etc. These folks have grown up and grown old together; people who have gone through major life milestones such as marriages, births, divorces, and deaths together.
At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.
At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”
Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?
• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.
• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.
• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.
• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.
• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)
• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.
• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.
• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.
• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.
• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.
• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.
• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.
• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.
• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.
Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.
At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.
At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”
Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?
• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.
• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.
• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.
• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.
• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)
• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.
• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.
• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.
• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.
• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.
• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.
• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.
• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.
• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.
Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.
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