Despite the court orders, the juggling of schedules, and the last minute family arrivals, we still managed to add to our growing list of Christmas traditions in 2009.
Decorating the house for Christmas this year involved seven children, three fake Christmas trees, 20 storage bins, and a partridge in a pear tree. I was responsible for the Christmas tree in the main room, Christen was responsible for the tree up on the landing, and Abigail was responsible for the tree in the family room. Combining households has its advantages.
We (girls) also made Christmas wreaths (Abigail affectionately calls them reefs) with corn flakes and marshmallows. By the time we got the batch 10 we were all “reefed out.”
Dinner at Vince and Laura’s (Curt’s brother and sister-in-law) is always a success! It’s the only time of year I get to see all of the Tripps together under the same roof. Of course, there are many pictures to be taken, conversations to be had, and basketball games between old men and young boys to watch. The old men came in sweating profusely while the young boys came in declaring victory.
This year, there were many more dinner parties with friends to attend and to have because we had my mother visiting and because we had the kids for the week of Christmas. A close and dirty game of Pictionary was played. Of course, the best team won! A rematch is demanded for 2010.
Christmas Eve service this year was a night to rock out! After the 5pm service at our church, we piled everyone in the car and headed to Bayside Granite Bay for their Christmas Eve service. Lincoln Brewster and his band put on an amazing show of rock and roll, a spectacular display of lights, and a drummer spinning at a 90 degree angle while NOT missing a beat! Who said Christian music was boring?!
Some of our traditions will remain the same from year to year, however, we need to remain flexible from year to year to accommodate for the changes that are inevitable. The holidays keep me on my toes and reminds me that it’s not the traditions that matter but the relationships that I’m building over the years that will stay with me long after the three fake Christmas trees and 20 bins of Christmas “stuff” are packed and put away.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas with the Tripps
Christmas, for me, provokes images from Norman Rockwell paintings with families gathered around the piano caroling, seated by the fire place enjoying each other’s company, or gathered around the Christmas tree opening presents.
Christmas with the Tripps is a far cry from those Norman Rockwell paintings! Nonetheless, I can’t help but feel blessed to be surrounded by family. Each family is different, and no family is perfect. I love my family no matter how strange it sometimes seems.
Christmas with the Tripps includes but are not limited to:
Court orders that needs to be adhered to.
Exes who need to be consulted and coordinated with.
There are the significant others of the exes who need to be regarded.
There are children from the new relationships who need to be accounted for.
Then, there are the families of the exes as well as their significant other’s families who need to be considered. This proves to be a difficult feat when I have a mother who tells me on December 17 that she’ll be flying in on December 20 for the holidays. This also produces much turmoil with the exes and their significant others when asked if they would modify their schedule for this.
The court order for Kimberly, Christen, Abigail, and Jonathan has them with us for Christmas Eve and Christmas day on odd years. However, their mother wants them for a part of Christmas too so the new agreement is that they go spend some of time with her and her family on Christmas day and come back to our house the following day. This is because this is our week with the kids. It would look very different if it was our year with them for Christmas but they were with their mom for the week.
The court order for Angelina states that she is with us on odd years and with her father on even years for Christmas. It also states that the first half of her Christmas vacation is to be spent with us on odd years and the second half of the vacation she is to be with her father.
The court order for Vinh and Jaden has them with their father on Christmas Eve at 9AM to Christmas day at 9AM. This year I asked if he would switch with me so I could have them Christmas Eve to Christmas day. He agreed to the switch. However, the terms of the switch kept changing daily to accommodate for changes with his wife’s family. My thoughts? You agreed to the switch, end of discussion. My husband’s thoughts? Let’s work it out. My mother’s thoughts? He let the boys come back to our house early from this week with them, the least I can do is accommodate his needs.
Doesn’t anyone realize how much I don’t like last minute schedule changes? The scheduled me purposely set up the court orders so that on odd years we have ALL the kids.
Many conversations and phone calls later, it is now agreed on that Vinh and Jaden’s dad can pick them up at 8AM on Christmas day. This means that this year, we change our tradition and open presents on Christmas Even night after church.
I’ve now mastered the art of juggling and ready to run off with the circus. But of course, that involves much planning and forethought on which would be the best circus company to join. Though our family dynamics may be complicated, this is the plan God has for me and I just have to let go and let God.
Christmas with the Tripps is a far cry from those Norman Rockwell paintings! Nonetheless, I can’t help but feel blessed to be surrounded by family. Each family is different, and no family is perfect. I love my family no matter how strange it sometimes seems.
Christmas with the Tripps includes but are not limited to:
Court orders that needs to be adhered to.
Exes who need to be consulted and coordinated with.
There are the significant others of the exes who need to be regarded.
There are children from the new relationships who need to be accounted for.
Then, there are the families of the exes as well as their significant other’s families who need to be considered. This proves to be a difficult feat when I have a mother who tells me on December 17 that she’ll be flying in on December 20 for the holidays. This also produces much turmoil with the exes and their significant others when asked if they would modify their schedule for this.
The court order for Kimberly, Christen, Abigail, and Jonathan has them with us for Christmas Eve and Christmas day on odd years. However, their mother wants them for a part of Christmas too so the new agreement is that they go spend some of time with her and her family on Christmas day and come back to our house the following day. This is because this is our week with the kids. It would look very different if it was our year with them for Christmas but they were with their mom for the week.
The court order for Angelina states that she is with us on odd years and with her father on even years for Christmas. It also states that the first half of her Christmas vacation is to be spent with us on odd years and the second half of the vacation she is to be with her father.
The court order for Vinh and Jaden has them with their father on Christmas Eve at 9AM to Christmas day at 9AM. This year I asked if he would switch with me so I could have them Christmas Eve to Christmas day. He agreed to the switch. However, the terms of the switch kept changing daily to accommodate for changes with his wife’s family. My thoughts? You agreed to the switch, end of discussion. My husband’s thoughts? Let’s work it out. My mother’s thoughts? He let the boys come back to our house early from this week with them, the least I can do is accommodate his needs.
Doesn’t anyone realize how much I don’t like last minute schedule changes? The scheduled me purposely set up the court orders so that on odd years we have ALL the kids.
Many conversations and phone calls later, it is now agreed on that Vinh and Jaden’s dad can pick them up at 8AM on Christmas day. This means that this year, we change our tradition and open presents on Christmas Even night after church.
I’ve now mastered the art of juggling and ready to run off with the circus. But of course, that involves much planning and forethought on which would be the best circus company to join. Though our family dynamics may be complicated, this is the plan God has for me and I just have to let go and let God.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Angelina
Angelina wasn’t conceived under ideal circumstances.
And there is no one to blame for that but me. What seems like an eternity ago, I made some poor choices and bad decisions that resulted in a pregnancy that I didn’t want. Upon reflection, I’m grateful for the friend who spent a few hours being a friend when I most needed one. Thank you friend; I am grateful for your friendship.
My pregnancy with Angelina was not an easy one but as soon as she came out, she’s been the easiest child to raise. Unlike her brothers, she didn’t require a lot of cuddling/rocking and slept through the night as soon as she was born. Though she was only four pounds seven ounces and doctors and nurses were scared for her life, she’s proven that she’s a tenacious little girl filled with the love and spirit of Jesus Christ.
She and I both rely on this God given strength on days like today. She gave me a hug good bye this morning and broke down crying because she did not want to go to her dad’s this Thanksgiving. At six years old, this will be her first Thanksgiving with him. All of her life, up until last year, she’s only known me and the people in my life. I am comforted knowing that God will be with her. She takes comfort in knowing that I’m in her heart and that she’ll just need to think of me and I’ll be there. But none of that makes this any easier. I’m not sure if this will ever be easier. It’s something Angelina will learn to live with through the years.
Though we will not be together this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the angel sent from above because every once in awhile I get a glimpse of heaven through her eyes. She told me once that before she was in my belly, she was flying around God as a baby angel. She sees the good in people that I often miss. She loves unconditionally. Gives hugs freely. Reads her Bible regularly. And is living proof of God’s plan.
And there is no one to blame for that but me. What seems like an eternity ago, I made some poor choices and bad decisions that resulted in a pregnancy that I didn’t want. Upon reflection, I’m grateful for the friend who spent a few hours being a friend when I most needed one. Thank you friend; I am grateful for your friendship.
My pregnancy with Angelina was not an easy one but as soon as she came out, she’s been the easiest child to raise. Unlike her brothers, she didn’t require a lot of cuddling/rocking and slept through the night as soon as she was born. Though she was only four pounds seven ounces and doctors and nurses were scared for her life, she’s proven that she’s a tenacious little girl filled with the love and spirit of Jesus Christ.
She and I both rely on this God given strength on days like today. She gave me a hug good bye this morning and broke down crying because she did not want to go to her dad’s this Thanksgiving. At six years old, this will be her first Thanksgiving with him. All of her life, up until last year, she’s only known me and the people in my life. I am comforted knowing that God will be with her. She takes comfort in knowing that I’m in her heart and that she’ll just need to think of me and I’ll be there. But none of that makes this any easier. I’m not sure if this will ever be easier. It’s something Angelina will learn to live with through the years.
Though we will not be together this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the angel sent from above because every once in awhile I get a glimpse of heaven through her eyes. She told me once that before she was in my belly, she was flying around God as a baby angel. She sees the good in people that I often miss. She loves unconditionally. Gives hugs freely. Reads her Bible regularly. And is living proof of God’s plan.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Ah-The Noises Little Boys Make
Sneezes and hiccups, boogers, and farts
When they’re finished with one the other another one starts.
It’s a natural reaction for silly little boys
To pick a booger then eat it, to fart and make noise.
Little girls? A bit different
And quite modest with such affairs
They’d rather keep noises quiet
Than attract such unpleasant stares.
Daughters are taught to be little ladies,
Be polite, say thank you and please
Daddies think it rather amusing
To let boys burp and ‘cut cheese’.
What would we do without little angels
Who pick their nose, burp here, and fart there -
Just when you think you’ve trained them so well
They belch loud, as if they don’t care.
But little boys must learn early on
That little girls like boys who are tame -
not a young man who makes rude noises
And thinks good manners are stupid and lame.
And little girls must learn a few truths as well
About little boys who grow up to be men
Sometimes they just can’t help it at all,
When they make silly noises, over and over again.
When they’re finished with one the other another one starts.
It’s a natural reaction for silly little boys
To pick a booger then eat it, to fart and make noise.
Little girls? A bit different
And quite modest with such affairs
They’d rather keep noises quiet
Than attract such unpleasant stares.
Daughters are taught to be little ladies,
Be polite, say thank you and please
Daddies think it rather amusing
To let boys burp and ‘cut cheese’.
What would we do without little angels
Who pick their nose, burp here, and fart there -
Just when you think you’ve trained them so well
They belch loud, as if they don’t care.
But little boys must learn early on
That little girls like boys who are tame -
not a young man who makes rude noises
And thinks good manners are stupid and lame.
And little girls must learn a few truths as well
About little boys who grow up to be men
Sometimes they just can’t help it at all,
When they make silly noises, over and over again.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Farmville
Often when women become stepmothers, they believe they should behave like Julie Andrews in the movie "The Sound of Music." They expect instantly to be perfect caregivers and homemakers. Many assume that if they cook and care for stepkids daily, maybe even doing special things such as handcrafting clothing for the children, they'll soon be happily riding bikes with their stepchildren, singing and acting like one big happy family. You can blame Cinderella or the bad reputation that surrounds stepmothers. The reality about being a stepmother is that it's not easy, and it can be just as frightening for the person stepping into the role as it is for the child(ren) involved.
This is so true when it comes to my relationship with Kimberly. At best, it’s been tenuous. Until recently, we’ve not been able to find common ground. Over the weekend, we both discovered our love for Farmville on Facebook. I merely commented to Kimberly, in passing, that her farm was “lame” and our relationship has blossomed from joking remark. We spent the weekend in front of the computer planting, harvesting, buying, selling, planning her crops, etc. I’ve not had this much fun in a long time!
To most, this is such a trivial thing. To me, it’s huge! I’ve tried (and Kim has tried) over the past 3 years to find common ground with each other with no success. We seem to have taken one step forward and then two steps back. How frustrating and tiring!
I was amazed that Facebook brought me back in touch with my elementary school friends, I’m even more amazed that it fostered a blossoming relationship with my stepdaughter! I am honored that she trusts me enough to give me her Facebook password so I can farm for her while she’s at her mom’s house with no internet access.
Needless to say, her farm is prospering and her crops are growing nicely. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see the fruits of our labor when she’s back with us next week.
In doing my reading for this blog, I came across the statistic below as well as dos and don’ts that stepmoms may find helpful. By no means is it an easy job, however, patience, perseverance, a lot of praying, and the support of the father will help ease your burdens. I am extremely blessed that I have a loving husband who supports me.
“The number of stepmothers is growing, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, which reports that about 65 percent of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage, resulting in the formation of stepfamilies. Still research shows that stepmothers have the most negative image of any family member in a stepfamily situation, partly because they are often placed in roles that traditionally (and often falsely) rival that of the biological mother.”
Making it all work when there's a stepmother involved could be easier when stepmothers remember some practical dos and don'ts:
1. The more affection given to the stepchildren, the more success the stepmother is likely to have.
2. When a stepmother thinks about discipline, she should think about the word "disciple" instead. Teach your stepchildren gently and "explain" to them, instead of yelling and spanking.
3. Time is your ally. Realize that it may take time to develop a loving relationship with your stepchild.
4. Never say anything negative about a biological mother, no matter how merited it may be. Help the child find a solution to his or her problem if possible.
5. Don't try to prove that you are in charge by imposing your will.
This is so true when it comes to my relationship with Kimberly. At best, it’s been tenuous. Until recently, we’ve not been able to find common ground. Over the weekend, we both discovered our love for Farmville on Facebook. I merely commented to Kimberly, in passing, that her farm was “lame” and our relationship has blossomed from joking remark. We spent the weekend in front of the computer planting, harvesting, buying, selling, planning her crops, etc. I’ve not had this much fun in a long time!
To most, this is such a trivial thing. To me, it’s huge! I’ve tried (and Kim has tried) over the past 3 years to find common ground with each other with no success. We seem to have taken one step forward and then two steps back. How frustrating and tiring!
I was amazed that Facebook brought me back in touch with my elementary school friends, I’m even more amazed that it fostered a blossoming relationship with my stepdaughter! I am honored that she trusts me enough to give me her Facebook password so I can farm for her while she’s at her mom’s house with no internet access.
Needless to say, her farm is prospering and her crops are growing nicely. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see the fruits of our labor when she’s back with us next week.
In doing my reading for this blog, I came across the statistic below as well as dos and don’ts that stepmoms may find helpful. By no means is it an easy job, however, patience, perseverance, a lot of praying, and the support of the father will help ease your burdens. I am extremely blessed that I have a loving husband who supports me.
“The number of stepmothers is growing, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, which reports that about 65 percent of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage, resulting in the formation of stepfamilies. Still research shows that stepmothers have the most negative image of any family member in a stepfamily situation, partly because they are often placed in roles that traditionally (and often falsely) rival that of the biological mother.”
Making it all work when there's a stepmother involved could be easier when stepmothers remember some practical dos and don'ts:
1. The more affection given to the stepchildren, the more success the stepmother is likely to have.
2. When a stepmother thinks about discipline, she should think about the word "disciple" instead. Teach your stepchildren gently and "explain" to them, instead of yelling and spanking.
3. Time is your ally. Realize that it may take time to develop a loving relationship with your stepchild.
4. Never say anything negative about a biological mother, no matter how merited it may be. Help the child find a solution to his or her problem if possible.
5. Don't try to prove that you are in charge by imposing your will.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Two years later...
We recently celebrated our two years anniversary (November 1). There are many memories that are still fresh in my mind, and then there are many more that is just a blur. I remember the boys having their pants rolled to their knees, sock and shoes off and trying not to get wet because they knew we still had to take pictures. There is a great picture that the photographer snapped of Curt scolding the boys while I stand there trying to pose. I remember Angelina planted in the sand and trying to bury herself with her pretty Cinderella dress on. I remember the older girls, with their shoes kicked off, trying to stay out of the water. I remember thinking to myself that I must have been insane when I bought my wedding dress because this is NOT a dress that one should wear at a beach wedding with children who desperately want to go to play in the water.
Those are a few of the details I remember two years later. But what I don’t remember are our vows to each other. Even though I had planned everything from beginning to end and must have read and reread our vows a hundred times, I don’t remember reciting them or really hearing what Curt was saying to me or I to him.
When our anniversary was approaching, I decided to go through our wedding file (Yes, I have all that filed away in a drawer) and take out our vows. I read it, reread it, evaluated it, and asked myself if I had been doing what I had promised Curt I’d do on that day, on the beach in Maui.
Curt’s vow:
“As we stand before both God and man making public our commitment to one another, I wish to make it known that I recognize God’s authority over my life, which is exercised from His loving heart. He has chosen me to be one of His own, and has since been my life. I recognize also that He blessed me, and entrusted me your life as an unearned gift. In recognition of these things, I, Curtis, take you, Ami, to be my wife. I purpose to love you with His love, to provide for your needs though His enablement, and to lead you as He leads me, as long as He gives me life, regardless of circumstances. Ami, I look forward to establishing a home where Christ is glorified. Toward that end I promise to allow God to use you in my life as He sees best in building me into His person. I thank Him for your love and friendship.”
The one thing that stands out to me in Curt’s vow is “…establishing a home where Christ is glorified.” For awhile, after we were married, this was not the case in our home. We both recognized this during one of our fights when Curt told me that his children doesn’t feel “love, wanted, appreciated, and welcomed” by me. At the same time I’m telling him I don’t feel those things from him and the children. Also, I didn’t feel “safe” to be able to express what’s on my mind and in my heart. What I had felt from Curt, and later confirmed by Kimberly, is that the children come first and I come second. I am to cook, clean, do the laundry, help with homework, etc but when it comes to major or minor decisions, I have no input because I’m not the biological mother. We were not living according to God’s word. We hadn’t put God first, each other next, and then children. We were putting the children first, each other next, and only honoring God on Sundays at church. We were not living the life we had promised each other on our wedding day. Until we recognized it and rectified it, our home was not our haven. Since this discovery, Curt and I have made it a point to read the Bible together, to pray together, to give each other time to talk, really talk, each day, to include each other in the decision making processes whether it be a major or minor one, to honor each other’s role, and to put God first every day.
Ami’s vows:
“I take you, Curtis, to be my husband. With the greatest joy I come into my new life with you. Today, I am reminded of James 1:17 which says, ‘Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation of shifting shadow.’ Besides the gift of salvation, you are the most precious gift God has given me. I know that along with the new joys God has given me, I face new responsibilities that I cannot fulfill in my own strength. But by God’s grace and power working within me, I desire to be trustworthy as your wife, to serve and love you in all circumstances, to obey you, to allow God to use you to build His qualities in me, as long as God gives us life on this earth. I praise God continually for you, Curtis, and for your love and friendship.”
In rereading my vows to Curt, I realized that I hadn’t been serving and loving to him in ALL circumstances because there were many times I was bitter and had thoughts such as “I do so much for him and the kids, and no one notices or just take it for granted.” I definitely didn’t obey him and let him lead me as I had promised to do. My thoughts were “I’ve been doing this solo all these years and am perfectly capable of making decisions on my own, I don’t need him to tell me what to do.” I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, submit as I’m instructed to do.
I certainly didn’t allow for God to work in Curt nor did I praise God daily for him. There were days when I asked, “Why me? What did I get myself into? Was I insane thinking I could be a decent step-mother?” These were the days when I cursed God and resented Him for answering my prayers.
When Curt and I finally recognized that we hadn’t been putting God first in our marriage, we changed our priorities. We now read the Bible and pray most every day, choose to communicate, love, honor, and obey each other daily. This is all very difficult when we all lead such busy lives! And it’s especially hard to love someone when he’s not being very lovable and it’s even harder to honor and obey someone, whom I’m mad at.
Two years, a lot of tears, a handful of fights, laughter, and some good times later we’re finally on the right path; the path that God has put us on and we’ve finally wised up and put Him first. Since that revelation our marriage has experienced tremendous growth, the children have felt more peace and love in the home, and I finally feel that I’m number 1 in my husband’s eyes and heart.
Those are a few of the details I remember two years later. But what I don’t remember are our vows to each other. Even though I had planned everything from beginning to end and must have read and reread our vows a hundred times, I don’t remember reciting them or really hearing what Curt was saying to me or I to him.
When our anniversary was approaching, I decided to go through our wedding file (Yes, I have all that filed away in a drawer) and take out our vows. I read it, reread it, evaluated it, and asked myself if I had been doing what I had promised Curt I’d do on that day, on the beach in Maui.
Curt’s vow:
“As we stand before both God and man making public our commitment to one another, I wish to make it known that I recognize God’s authority over my life, which is exercised from His loving heart. He has chosen me to be one of His own, and has since been my life. I recognize also that He blessed me, and entrusted me your life as an unearned gift. In recognition of these things, I, Curtis, take you, Ami, to be my wife. I purpose to love you with His love, to provide for your needs though His enablement, and to lead you as He leads me, as long as He gives me life, regardless of circumstances. Ami, I look forward to establishing a home where Christ is glorified. Toward that end I promise to allow God to use you in my life as He sees best in building me into His person. I thank Him for your love and friendship.”
The one thing that stands out to me in Curt’s vow is “…establishing a home where Christ is glorified.” For awhile, after we were married, this was not the case in our home. We both recognized this during one of our fights when Curt told me that his children doesn’t feel “love, wanted, appreciated, and welcomed” by me. At the same time I’m telling him I don’t feel those things from him and the children. Also, I didn’t feel “safe” to be able to express what’s on my mind and in my heart. What I had felt from Curt, and later confirmed by Kimberly, is that the children come first and I come second. I am to cook, clean, do the laundry, help with homework, etc but when it comes to major or minor decisions, I have no input because I’m not the biological mother. We were not living according to God’s word. We hadn’t put God first, each other next, and then children. We were putting the children first, each other next, and only honoring God on Sundays at church. We were not living the life we had promised each other on our wedding day. Until we recognized it and rectified it, our home was not our haven. Since this discovery, Curt and I have made it a point to read the Bible together, to pray together, to give each other time to talk, really talk, each day, to include each other in the decision making processes whether it be a major or minor one, to honor each other’s role, and to put God first every day.
Ami’s vows:
“I take you, Curtis, to be my husband. With the greatest joy I come into my new life with you. Today, I am reminded of James 1:17 which says, ‘Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation of shifting shadow.’ Besides the gift of salvation, you are the most precious gift God has given me. I know that along with the new joys God has given me, I face new responsibilities that I cannot fulfill in my own strength. But by God’s grace and power working within me, I desire to be trustworthy as your wife, to serve and love you in all circumstances, to obey you, to allow God to use you to build His qualities in me, as long as God gives us life on this earth. I praise God continually for you, Curtis, and for your love and friendship.”
In rereading my vows to Curt, I realized that I hadn’t been serving and loving to him in ALL circumstances because there were many times I was bitter and had thoughts such as “I do so much for him and the kids, and no one notices or just take it for granted.” I definitely didn’t obey him and let him lead me as I had promised to do. My thoughts were “I’ve been doing this solo all these years and am perfectly capable of making decisions on my own, I don’t need him to tell me what to do.” I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, submit as I’m instructed to do.
I certainly didn’t allow for God to work in Curt nor did I praise God daily for him. There were days when I asked, “Why me? What did I get myself into? Was I insane thinking I could be a decent step-mother?” These were the days when I cursed God and resented Him for answering my prayers.
When Curt and I finally recognized that we hadn’t been putting God first in our marriage, we changed our priorities. We now read the Bible and pray most every day, choose to communicate, love, honor, and obey each other daily. This is all very difficult when we all lead such busy lives! And it’s especially hard to love someone when he’s not being very lovable and it’s even harder to honor and obey someone, whom I’m mad at.
Two years, a lot of tears, a handful of fights, laughter, and some good times later we’re finally on the right path; the path that God has put us on and we’ve finally wised up and put Him first. Since that revelation our marriage has experienced tremendous growth, the children have felt more peace and love in the home, and I finally feel that I’m number 1 in my husband’s eyes and heart.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My Story
The bright yellow moon hung in the black night sky as 41 of us men, women, and children filed into the little fishing boat. It wasn’t the ideal night to be escaping from communism but this was our last attempt to flee a war torn country in hopes of something better. As our little boat putted along the river bed, trying to stay in the shadows of the trees, the Buddhists were praying to the water gods and the Catholics were praying to God. The adults feared for their lives and their children's lives. The children remained as quiet as possible.
I don’t recall the rest of that night or the few days afterward. What I do remember is our sixth day somewhere in the Indian Ocean. It was mid day, bright, and sunny and we have now run out of fuel and food. My mom is so sea sick she can’t even sit up but she laid there praying. All of a sudden our boat started to move as if miraculously we had a working engine. The boat started to come alive with excitement as we stirred about to see what was happening. Opening up my little window to look outside all I could see was the fin of the dolphin swimming next to our boat. It turned out to be a school of them swimming along our boat and propelling it forward as if they were our engine! Our prayers were answered!
The excitement didn’t last long because the school of dolphins left us just as quickly as they had come upon us. We’re now floating out in the middle of nowhere again.
By night fall, we were surrounded by darkness and our hopes were just as black and bleak. I don’t remember realizing I could easily die out there but I do remember a city out in the middle of this darkness! After much excitement and trying to revive my mother from her stupor due to anti nausea medications, we were rescued! What I remember of the rescue was somehow ending up on this amazingly large ship, being able to shower, and having had my very first taste of a red delicious apple. Because my mom spoke a little English, we got first class treatment and got a cabin to sleep in, new clothes to wear, and food being brought to us by everyone! This was all new to me and I was loving life! We were rescued by an American oil tanker and taken to Indonesia. We were finally free!
The memories that I have of my journey is very different than that of my mother’s. As a child, I didn’t really understand the severity of a situation. I just knew I had to keep quiet and do what I was told. What I remember from this experience is the full moon, the small boat, the dolphins, the red apple, and buried somewhere deep is the faded memory, standing on the upper deck of the ship and looking down at our little boat sinking as the oil tanker maneuvered away from it.
The boat that brought me to freedom is torn to shreds by one big wave as the oil tanker turned away from it.
I’ve been told, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” How very true! I’m sure I would remember it differently if I had been older. But the memories I have are my roses in December. It is where my journey begins. God had plans for me and saw me to safety. Though I may have not known him then or for years to come, he was knocking at my door and revealing his love nonetheless. He never gave up on me. And each day is the result of this journey that started 28 years ago.
I don’t recall the rest of that night or the few days afterward. What I do remember is our sixth day somewhere in the Indian Ocean. It was mid day, bright, and sunny and we have now run out of fuel and food. My mom is so sea sick she can’t even sit up but she laid there praying. All of a sudden our boat started to move as if miraculously we had a working engine. The boat started to come alive with excitement as we stirred about to see what was happening. Opening up my little window to look outside all I could see was the fin of the dolphin swimming next to our boat. It turned out to be a school of them swimming along our boat and propelling it forward as if they were our engine! Our prayers were answered!
The excitement didn’t last long because the school of dolphins left us just as quickly as they had come upon us. We’re now floating out in the middle of nowhere again.
By night fall, we were surrounded by darkness and our hopes were just as black and bleak. I don’t remember realizing I could easily die out there but I do remember a city out in the middle of this darkness! After much excitement and trying to revive my mother from her stupor due to anti nausea medications, we were rescued! What I remember of the rescue was somehow ending up on this amazingly large ship, being able to shower, and having had my very first taste of a red delicious apple. Because my mom spoke a little English, we got first class treatment and got a cabin to sleep in, new clothes to wear, and food being brought to us by everyone! This was all new to me and I was loving life! We were rescued by an American oil tanker and taken to Indonesia. We were finally free!
The memories that I have of my journey is very different than that of my mother’s. As a child, I didn’t really understand the severity of a situation. I just knew I had to keep quiet and do what I was told. What I remember from this experience is the full moon, the small boat, the dolphins, the red apple, and buried somewhere deep is the faded memory, standing on the upper deck of the ship and looking down at our little boat sinking as the oil tanker maneuvered away from it.
The boat that brought me to freedom is torn to shreds by one big wave as the oil tanker turned away from it.
I’ve been told, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” How very true! I’m sure I would remember it differently if I had been older. But the memories I have are my roses in December. It is where my journey begins. God had plans for me and saw me to safety. Though I may have not known him then or for years to come, he was knocking at my door and revealing his love nonetheless. He never gave up on me. And each day is the result of this journey that started 28 years ago.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Diverse Without Growing Up Together Family
I recently shared my blog with a dear family friend who has known me for most of my life; since I was 7 years old and new to this country.
After reading through my blog, Jon stated that “the notion and term of a ‘Blended Family’ tends to be an idealistic and misdirected concept that creates problems.” He prefers “Diverse and without growing up together family.”
I like that.
Curt and I have been together for almost 3 years, which also means that our children have only known each other for 3 years. To expect that they mesh and meld as one big happy family is unrealistic and can be difficult to attain.
My three children are used to just having me around. They know me to discipline, to cuddle with, to take them on outings, etc. Now they have to learn to adjust to some one else disciplining them, less alone time with me, and family trips that include 9 people. Curt’s kids have only know their mom and dad all of their lives. Family trips involved planning for 6 people rather than 9. They all grew up together; been through the good, bad, and ugly together. But all that changed for them when one person made a decision.
One person’s decision can change the course of the lives of many people.
That decision, or perhaps a series of decisions, threw all 9 of us together, under one roof, having to learn to adjust and readjust to life together as a “diverse and without growing up together family.”
Our diversity isn’t merely physical, it’s skin deep, roots deep, beliefs deep, culture deep, and experiences deep to just name a few.
I was born and raised in Vietnam until I was 7. Then I spent most of my life in Duluth, Minnesota. Already I grew up in two areas very different than Curt. I was raised a Buddhist who attended Catholic school and participated in Mass every Thursday as part of our curriculum, and I worshipped idols. I grew up in weather that could reach 60 below zero. Curt grew up in an area where people travel to the snow for the weekend. He’s known God all of his life, was born again when he was 27. I’ve only turned my life over to God 3 years ago. Curt can recite Bible passages while I try to wrap my brain around a few verses. These are only a few of our differences. The list would be too long if I were to list the children’s differences as well.
Because we all didn’t grow up together, there are many things I had to learn in order to function as a new family unit of 9. For example, I am very direct and say it like it is, it’s the choleric and the flaw in my character. Two weeks ago, I picked up the four kids from their mom’s house and they all stunk! Whatever had been percolating in their mom’s house decided to attach itself onto the kids’ clothes. I rolled down the window and told them all to keep it down because they stink! By no means did I mean to say they were no good, but regardless of what I meant, I had hurt some very fragile egos. I later apologized. I have to learn to not be so quick with my words and to consider the ramifications first. This is new and foreign to me and only one of the many adjustments that I need to make.
Growing up together means knowing the little nuances of family members. It means learning how to clean at a very young age; Vinh, my oldest, asked for a toy vacuum and cleaning supplies for Christmas one year. It means knowing what is expected and not tolerated when it comes to self hygiene. It means appreciating Vietnamese food. It also means knowing what buttons to push.
Jon told me that a counselor told him that you need to “double a child’s age before being able to hope they fully accept their mom or dad marrying again and before being able to fully feel comfortable in their ‘blended family’ (e.g., a 10 year old needs about 10 years to adapt/accept/work through/become comfortable).”
Ten years is a long time!
God give me patience…
He’s definitely putting me a situation that will teach me patience. He does know what He’s doing after all…and I need to let go and let God.
Jon, thank you for your kind words, wisdom, and continued prayers as I walk my walk.
After reading through my blog, Jon stated that “the notion and term of a ‘Blended Family’ tends to be an idealistic and misdirected concept that creates problems.” He prefers “Diverse and without growing up together family.”
I like that.
Curt and I have been together for almost 3 years, which also means that our children have only known each other for 3 years. To expect that they mesh and meld as one big happy family is unrealistic and can be difficult to attain.
My three children are used to just having me around. They know me to discipline, to cuddle with, to take them on outings, etc. Now they have to learn to adjust to some one else disciplining them, less alone time with me, and family trips that include 9 people. Curt’s kids have only know their mom and dad all of their lives. Family trips involved planning for 6 people rather than 9. They all grew up together; been through the good, bad, and ugly together. But all that changed for them when one person made a decision.
One person’s decision can change the course of the lives of many people.
That decision, or perhaps a series of decisions, threw all 9 of us together, under one roof, having to learn to adjust and readjust to life together as a “diverse and without growing up together family.”
Our diversity isn’t merely physical, it’s skin deep, roots deep, beliefs deep, culture deep, and experiences deep to just name a few.
I was born and raised in Vietnam until I was 7. Then I spent most of my life in Duluth, Minnesota. Already I grew up in two areas very different than Curt. I was raised a Buddhist who attended Catholic school and participated in Mass every Thursday as part of our curriculum, and I worshipped idols. I grew up in weather that could reach 60 below zero. Curt grew up in an area where people travel to the snow for the weekend. He’s known God all of his life, was born again when he was 27. I’ve only turned my life over to God 3 years ago. Curt can recite Bible passages while I try to wrap my brain around a few verses. These are only a few of our differences. The list would be too long if I were to list the children’s differences as well.
Because we all didn’t grow up together, there are many things I had to learn in order to function as a new family unit of 9. For example, I am very direct and say it like it is, it’s the choleric and the flaw in my character. Two weeks ago, I picked up the four kids from their mom’s house and they all stunk! Whatever had been percolating in their mom’s house decided to attach itself onto the kids’ clothes. I rolled down the window and told them all to keep it down because they stink! By no means did I mean to say they were no good, but regardless of what I meant, I had hurt some very fragile egos. I later apologized. I have to learn to not be so quick with my words and to consider the ramifications first. This is new and foreign to me and only one of the many adjustments that I need to make.
Growing up together means knowing the little nuances of family members. It means learning how to clean at a very young age; Vinh, my oldest, asked for a toy vacuum and cleaning supplies for Christmas one year. It means knowing what is expected and not tolerated when it comes to self hygiene. It means appreciating Vietnamese food. It also means knowing what buttons to push.
Jon told me that a counselor told him that you need to “double a child’s age before being able to hope they fully accept their mom or dad marrying again and before being able to fully feel comfortable in their ‘blended family’ (e.g., a 10 year old needs about 10 years to adapt/accept/work through/become comfortable).”
Ten years is a long time!
God give me patience…
He’s definitely putting me a situation that will teach me patience. He does know what He’s doing after all…and I need to let go and let God.
Jon, thank you for your kind words, wisdom, and continued prayers as I walk my walk.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Laundry Days
During weeks with seven kids, every night there are at least two loads of laundry, sometimes more depending how dirty my husband got at work and how dirty the boys got at play. I’ve taken to only doing darks and lights, and to my husband’s dismay, I don’t do whites. The dark load goes in after all of the kids have bathed and showered so that by the time that there’s enough hot water, that load is finished and ready for the dryer. My husband and I then jump into the shower, and when we’re done, there’s just enough hot water left to wash the light load. Typically by then, the dark load is dry and needs folding. The white load will get put in the dryer before we fall asleep or early in the morning as we all rise and start our day. Two loads a day equals 14 loads a week. That’s a lot of laundry!
On days when I’ve had a particularly exhausting day, the last thing I want to do is laundry and as I sort through the laundry I wonder why the boys can’t seem to pull their socks apart instead of leaving them in balls, why the girls can’t pull their underwear out of their shorts or pants, why they can’t seem to sort dark from lights, WHY ME?! I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t sign up for non stop sorting, washing, drying, and folding!
This is the time when I’m gently reminded that I did sign up for this, I did pray for this and He answered, I did want more children, I did want a husband, and that the laundry is just a small part of the bigger picture. He’s reminding me that my own laundry basket is overflowing with self pity and bitterness when it needs to be overflowing with gratitude that the kids have clothes to wear and don’t have a need for anything. We’ve been abundantly blessed in so many ways that 14 loads is a small “price” to pay for what we’ve been given. As the clothes goes through its heavy cycle so does my attitude. All of the stresses of the work day, of running children around, dinner on the go, house work, church work, schedules, exes, family, etc gets wrung out of me as well.
I’m also reminded that I need to be grateful for a big enough washer and dryer to accommodate all of us, that the kids do bring their clothes down to the laundry rather than leave it laying around the bathroom or in their rooms, and that they do put away their clothes.
At the end of the each day, I take care of the laundry and God takes care of me. Whether it be just allowing me to shed tears for no reason or a gentle reminder that I’m missing out on His purpose for me by focusing on something so inconsequential as laundry. He’s definitely cleansed my heart more than 14 times a week.
On days when I’ve had a particularly exhausting day, the last thing I want to do is laundry and as I sort through the laundry I wonder why the boys can’t seem to pull their socks apart instead of leaving them in balls, why the girls can’t pull their underwear out of their shorts or pants, why they can’t seem to sort dark from lights, WHY ME?! I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t sign up for non stop sorting, washing, drying, and folding!
This is the time when I’m gently reminded that I did sign up for this, I did pray for this and He answered, I did want more children, I did want a husband, and that the laundry is just a small part of the bigger picture. He’s reminding me that my own laundry basket is overflowing with self pity and bitterness when it needs to be overflowing with gratitude that the kids have clothes to wear and don’t have a need for anything. We’ve been abundantly blessed in so many ways that 14 loads is a small “price” to pay for what we’ve been given. As the clothes goes through its heavy cycle so does my attitude. All of the stresses of the work day, of running children around, dinner on the go, house work, church work, schedules, exes, family, etc gets wrung out of me as well.
I’m also reminded that I need to be grateful for a big enough washer and dryer to accommodate all of us, that the kids do bring their clothes down to the laundry rather than leave it laying around the bathroom or in their rooms, and that they do put away their clothes.
At the end of the each day, I take care of the laundry and God takes care of me. Whether it be just allowing me to shed tears for no reason or a gentle reminder that I’m missing out on His purpose for me by focusing on something so inconsequential as laundry. He’s definitely cleansed my heart more than 14 times a week.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Just Do It!
I once heard someone say, “If you want to get something done, go ask a busy person.” How true that is…
When people find out we have seven children, they are often in shock, jaw dropped, and at a loss for words. Then inevitably the question comes, “How do you guys do it?” Our answer mirrors that of the Nike slogan, “Just do it!” There aren’t any other options.
For example, tonight Kimberly has gymnastics from 4:30pm to 7:30pm. Angelina has soccer practice from 6-7pm. I have a meeting at church from 7-10pm. Vinh has scouts from 7 to 8:30pm. And Jaden has soccer practice from 6:30 to 8:00pm.
After Kim is dropped off at gymnastics, Curt and I meet at home for a quick dash through dinner (thank God for crock pots). Curt then takes off with Jaden and Angelina for soccer practice, then I’m off to take Vinh to scouts, and then to my own meeting. Curt has to leave soccer a little early tonight to go pick up Kimberly from gymnastics and Vinh from scouts. Once home, those who hasn’t eaten get fed while the rest jump into the shower to get ready for bed. Some where in all of this we manage to work on homework and to sign off on agendas.
Saturday’s schedule looks something like this:
8am School clean up day (whole family)
9:30am Ami leaves with Angelina for soccer game
11am Ami and Angelina goes back to the school for more clean up
11:30am Curt leaves with Vinh and Jaden for soccer game
1pm Ami leaves school to go pick upVinh and Jaden from soccer game
1:30pm Curt leaves soccer game to drive to Bay Area for Kimberly’s gymnastics meet
5pm Ami to deliver food back to school for volunteer dinner
7pm Grocery shopping
8pm Pick up party invites for farewell picnic
10pm We’re all back under the same roof completely exhausted
How do we do it? I don’t have a pat response nor do I have the answer or a magic formula. However, I find that the calendar is my best friend! It also takes a lot of communication with my husband about schedules. The difficulty in this is that my husband is not good with scheduling so when things get missed or thrown in at the last minute I’m a complete wreck and have to do a lot of juggling which is very difficult for someone like me. I need to plan for spontaneity! However, I’m left with no other option than “Just do it!” I can be mad and fight with him, but what will that accomplish?
Aside from scheduling kids’ activities, I also have to plan for our activities with various church ministries, small group meetings, fundraising events, dinner dates with friends, school vacations, family vacations, the visits from my mom in Minnesota, and then coordinating all of this with the ex spouses!
God answered my prayers when I asked for more children and fulfilled the desires of my heart when He brought Curt into my life. And daily, I’m reminded of the scripture, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13 This Scripture teaches me a powerful principle; if I belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into my life that I cannot bear.
When people find out we have seven children, they are often in shock, jaw dropped, and at a loss for words. Then inevitably the question comes, “How do you guys do it?” Our answer mirrors that of the Nike slogan, “Just do it!” There aren’t any other options.
For example, tonight Kimberly has gymnastics from 4:30pm to 7:30pm. Angelina has soccer practice from 6-7pm. I have a meeting at church from 7-10pm. Vinh has scouts from 7 to 8:30pm. And Jaden has soccer practice from 6:30 to 8:00pm.
After Kim is dropped off at gymnastics, Curt and I meet at home for a quick dash through dinner (thank God for crock pots). Curt then takes off with Jaden and Angelina for soccer practice, then I’m off to take Vinh to scouts, and then to my own meeting. Curt has to leave soccer a little early tonight to go pick up Kimberly from gymnastics and Vinh from scouts. Once home, those who hasn’t eaten get fed while the rest jump into the shower to get ready for bed. Some where in all of this we manage to work on homework and to sign off on agendas.
Saturday’s schedule looks something like this:
8am School clean up day (whole family)
9:30am Ami leaves with Angelina for soccer game
11am Ami and Angelina goes back to the school for more clean up
11:30am Curt leaves with Vinh and Jaden for soccer game
1pm Ami leaves school to go pick upVinh and Jaden from soccer game
1:30pm Curt leaves soccer game to drive to Bay Area for Kimberly’s gymnastics meet
5pm Ami to deliver food back to school for volunteer dinner
7pm Grocery shopping
8pm Pick up party invites for farewell picnic
10pm We’re all back under the same roof completely exhausted
How do we do it? I don’t have a pat response nor do I have the answer or a magic formula. However, I find that the calendar is my best friend! It also takes a lot of communication with my husband about schedules. The difficulty in this is that my husband is not good with scheduling so when things get missed or thrown in at the last minute I’m a complete wreck and have to do a lot of juggling which is very difficult for someone like me. I need to plan for spontaneity! However, I’m left with no other option than “Just do it!” I can be mad and fight with him, but what will that accomplish?
Aside from scheduling kids’ activities, I also have to plan for our activities with various church ministries, small group meetings, fundraising events, dinner dates with friends, school vacations, family vacations, the visits from my mom in Minnesota, and then coordinating all of this with the ex spouses!
God answered my prayers when I asked for more children and fulfilled the desires of my heart when He brought Curt into my life. And daily, I’m reminded of the scripture, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13 This Scripture teaches me a powerful principle; if I belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into my life that I cannot bear.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
God, give me patience...
As I mentioned in the previous blog that I prayed for two things: More children and patience. My constant prayer, once I had children, was “God, give me patience…” It was pointed out to me by friends in my small group that God doesn’t give you patience; He puts you in situations to help you learn patience. Needless to say, since this revelation, I’ve stopped praying for patience.
I am, what some would call, a “neat freak,” though I’ve also been told that I am obsessive compulsive about cleanliness. Just because I have my children wipe themselves down with baby wipes before getting into the car doesn’t make me obsessive compulsive does it? In my defense, they had been rolling around in dirt at the local baseball field! That dirt sticks to you like baby powder and gets everywhere! If these were your children, you’d have them do the same. Wouldn’t you? Cleaning the children is easier than cleaning the car.
I love order and believe that all things have a place in some drawer, closet, cabinet, etc. I like my environment dust free, my desk neat and tidy, my bed made, my clothes put away according to color, size, and season, my shoes in their box or neatly lined up on the floor of my closet. I wasn’t always like this, but seeing the clutter at my grandma’s house and my mother’s house over the years have convinced me I cannot live with clutter and disorder.
Of course, my children find my “neatness” to be, at times, frustrating because I want them to be “neat freaks” too. They don’t understand why they have to line their shoes up outside the garage door, why their towels have to be folded into thirds, and they especially don’t understand why, even though we have a house keeper, they still have to clean every Sunday.
“Oh! WHY ME?!” In mean, “God, give me patience as I head upstairs to check out their rooms” is my silent prayer as I climb the steps. Not only am I not sentimental about childhood “stuff” like marbles, polly pockets, and legos, I don’t keep every little drawing or painting sent home from school either. I tend to go on mad cleaning sprees and throw out everything I deem “garbage.” However, the children have since learned to bargain with me; they asked that I not touch anything on their desk, in their drawers, or in their special box of keepsake. I have agreed, for now.
“God give me patience as the house is filled up with seven kids and their friends.” Seven kids with friends running up and down the stairs sounds like a herd of elephants have take over my house. I am raising kids, NOT elephants! You see, by nature I am not a loud person; I like soft music, “indoor” voices, and quiet (except for the TV airing the Vikings football game) in the home. It’s impossible to ask for that with seven kids who have very busy social calendars! My husband tells me that someday I will miss all of this commotion… Maybe someday I will, but for now, can’t they use indoor voices and walk with soft feet?
“God, give me patience as I try my best to be a mom to all seven kids.” How do I be a mom but not a mom to the other four kids? They have a mom so that’s not my role; but what is my role? If I hug on them, am I making them feel uncomfortable? If I tell them I have love them, do they then feel that they’re betraying their mom by responding? “Lord, give me patience today as I keep trying to do what is right for the children you’ve entrusted into my care.”
“God, give me patience with the children” is the prayer I don’t dare utter anymore for fear of new “tests” being thrown my way. Daily, I’m still being challenged, stretched, and having to learn to be a mom to seven kids rather than three. The “neat freak” in me still exists but I’ve been recently assured by the authors of “Every Man’s Marriage” that that is my essence and my home is my nest and the center of my universe. “Mother wants things just so in order to feel she’s doing everything right.” Of course, this doesn’t mean my husband and children can sympathize and understand this inner desire of mine, which then tests my patience once again.
God, give me patience….
I am, what some would call, a “neat freak,” though I’ve also been told that I am obsessive compulsive about cleanliness. Just because I have my children wipe themselves down with baby wipes before getting into the car doesn’t make me obsessive compulsive does it? In my defense, they had been rolling around in dirt at the local baseball field! That dirt sticks to you like baby powder and gets everywhere! If these were your children, you’d have them do the same. Wouldn’t you? Cleaning the children is easier than cleaning the car.
I love order and believe that all things have a place in some drawer, closet, cabinet, etc. I like my environment dust free, my desk neat and tidy, my bed made, my clothes put away according to color, size, and season, my shoes in their box or neatly lined up on the floor of my closet. I wasn’t always like this, but seeing the clutter at my grandma’s house and my mother’s house over the years have convinced me I cannot live with clutter and disorder.
Of course, my children find my “neatness” to be, at times, frustrating because I want them to be “neat freaks” too. They don’t understand why they have to line their shoes up outside the garage door, why their towels have to be folded into thirds, and they especially don’t understand why, even though we have a house keeper, they still have to clean every Sunday.
“Oh! WHY ME?!” In mean, “God, give me patience as I head upstairs to check out their rooms” is my silent prayer as I climb the steps. Not only am I not sentimental about childhood “stuff” like marbles, polly pockets, and legos, I don’t keep every little drawing or painting sent home from school either. I tend to go on mad cleaning sprees and throw out everything I deem “garbage.” However, the children have since learned to bargain with me; they asked that I not touch anything on their desk, in their drawers, or in their special box of keepsake. I have agreed, for now.
“God give me patience as the house is filled up with seven kids and their friends.” Seven kids with friends running up and down the stairs sounds like a herd of elephants have take over my house. I am raising kids, NOT elephants! You see, by nature I am not a loud person; I like soft music, “indoor” voices, and quiet (except for the TV airing the Vikings football game) in the home. It’s impossible to ask for that with seven kids who have very busy social calendars! My husband tells me that someday I will miss all of this commotion… Maybe someday I will, but for now, can’t they use indoor voices and walk with soft feet?
“God, give me patience as I try my best to be a mom to all seven kids.” How do I be a mom but not a mom to the other four kids? They have a mom so that’s not my role; but what is my role? If I hug on them, am I making them feel uncomfortable? If I tell them I have love them, do they then feel that they’re betraying their mom by responding? “Lord, give me patience today as I keep trying to do what is right for the children you’ve entrusted into my care.”
“God, give me patience with the children” is the prayer I don’t dare utter anymore for fear of new “tests” being thrown my way. Daily, I’m still being challenged, stretched, and having to learn to be a mom to seven kids rather than three. The “neat freak” in me still exists but I’ve been recently assured by the authors of “Every Man’s Marriage” that that is my essence and my home is my nest and the center of my universe. “Mother wants things just so in order to feel she’s doing everything right.” Of course, this doesn’t mean my husband and children can sympathize and understand this inner desire of mine, which then tests my patience once again.
God, give me patience….
Friday, August 21, 2009
For as long as I can remember I’ve always prayed for “a house full of kids” because growing up it was always just my brother and me and I always wanted more siblings. Then when I had more children, I prayed for “patience.” Just recently, it hit me that God has a great sense of humor!
I was blessed with 3 children of my own. By the time the 3rd one came, my doctor advised me to not have any more since it would be risking my life and the life of the unborn baby. So, I took her advice and permanent rectified that situation. But in my heart I always desired more children. I was left feeling as if something was missing.
In 2007 God answered my prayers….
January 2007, I met Curt and his 4 kids. He really has 5 but the oldest was 18 at the time and no longer at home. By March 2007, we were all living in the same home. In November of 2007 we said our vows to each other and to the kids on a beach in Maui.
Immediately, I went from having 3 kids to 7 kids. Who knew a family could double in such a short amount of time!
Kim, the oldest at home, is 13 going on 14. She’s our 9th grader who was mentioned in the previous blog. She’s a phlegmatic; she can’t say no to people and often go out of her way to help everyone. She’s a phenomenal gymnast and loves the sport! She’s also a quality time and words of affirmation kind of girl.
Christen, 12 going on 13 this year, is a sanguine. She’s a social butterfly and loves to chat! She’s great at making people feel good about themselves. Christen is enjoys her quality time and gifts.
Abigail just turned 11 in May. She’s a choleric; very straightforward and to the point. I love this quality about her because she says it like it is and doesn’t try to sugar coat it! Often time people mistakenly assume she’s upset since she doesn’t say much. She just doesn’t have a lot to say, and when she does it’s brief and to the point. Abigail loves receiving gifts!
Jonathan is 10, a choleric and flourishes when he can be of help in any way. He enjoys doing acts of service to show that he cares about you.
Vinh is 9. He’s a phlegmatic melancholy. He loves to please people and very methodical in his actions and thoughts. He is all about quality time and loves to just hug on you and talk with you.
Jaden is the choleric sanguine. He states what’s on his mind and doesn’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings though his feelings get hurt very easily. He also loves being the center of attention. He’s a little of everything when it comes to love; he loves his quality time but also enjoys receiving gifts, needs words of affirmation, and will help out wherever he can.
Angelina, 5 going to 6 this year, is a choleric. She says it like it is and isn’t concerned with people’s perception. She’s a very strong willed child and knows what she wants. She’s quality time and gifts. She states that her most favorite thing to do with me is to cuddle. At the same time, she loves receiving gifts from everyone.
All these varying degree of personalities and acts of love on top of Curt and my personality and our need for love; talk about complicated and a whole lot of finessing. Not to mention we have exes to deal with! How does one do it you ask? It takes a LOT of grace, prayers, and friends to talk to.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Doctor's Visit
As I sit at the car wash, waiting for my car to be restored to it's "like new" condition, I had some time to reflect on the latest blended family drama. As the Drama Turns....
My husband and I recently had a conversation about me being more involved in the step-childrens' lives (that's another blog altogether) such as attending parent/teacher conferences, doctor appointments, etc. The opportunity to do this recently presented itself when Kim (our oldest) had a doctor's appointment with a specialist at Kaiser. Curt wanted me to go, I wanted to go, the ex-wife didn't. She expressed it loud and clear to Curt and I, stating that I am neither Kim's mother or father and that this appointment should only be for her mother and father. Am I not a mother in every sense of the word? Though I didn't birth her, I am everything that a mother is because I didn't only marry Curt but I married his children as well. However, knowing how the ex-weife felt I was torn; should I go or shouldn't I go? Would me going to this appointment make Curt feel put in the middle having to choose between me, his daughter, and his ex-wife? Would me being there make it uncomfortable for Kim? I had a lot of questions...
On the advice of a dear friend (thank you friend), I went, kept my mouth shut, and only asked one question when the opportunity presented itself.
Overall, it wasn't as painful as I had thought it would be. I kept repeating, "Love thy enemies." As hard as this is to do, God was reminding me that love isn't always easy.
On the other hand, I think the ex-wife had a very hard time with this and felt extremely uncomfortable with me there. She lashed out at Curt and made remarks such as "Oh, she doesn't need her father?!" And called him a "jerk" when he opted to not stay for the blood draw. What saddens me about this is that Kim was there, witnessing all of this.
I'm not sure if all of this anger was because I was there and I made her uncomfortable or from something else altogether unrelated. Wherever it comes from, I continue to pray for her, for Curt, for the kids, and for our family. This is NOT an easy situation by any means! And it was only a doctor's appointment. I pray that graduations, wedding, and births aren't all this dramatic.
Upon reflecting on this situation, I ask myself if there was anything I could have done differently. Your thoughts? One of the hardest thing that God asks us to do (in my humble opinion) is to bless our enemies. My flesh wants nothing more than to curse my enemies. My spirit, on the other hand, knows better. So the praying continues and so does the constant asking for forgiveness.
My husband and I recently had a conversation about me being more involved in the step-childrens' lives (that's another blog altogether) such as attending parent/teacher conferences, doctor appointments, etc. The opportunity to do this recently presented itself when Kim (our oldest) had a doctor's appointment with a specialist at Kaiser. Curt wanted me to go, I wanted to go, the ex-wife didn't. She expressed it loud and clear to Curt and I, stating that I am neither Kim's mother or father and that this appointment should only be for her mother and father. Am I not a mother in every sense of the word? Though I didn't birth her, I am everything that a mother is because I didn't only marry Curt but I married his children as well. However, knowing how the ex-weife felt I was torn; should I go or shouldn't I go? Would me going to this appointment make Curt feel put in the middle having to choose between me, his daughter, and his ex-wife? Would me being there make it uncomfortable for Kim? I had a lot of questions...
On the advice of a dear friend (thank you friend), I went, kept my mouth shut, and only asked one question when the opportunity presented itself.
Overall, it wasn't as painful as I had thought it would be. I kept repeating, "Love thy enemies." As hard as this is to do, God was reminding me that love isn't always easy.
On the other hand, I think the ex-wife had a very hard time with this and felt extremely uncomfortable with me there. She lashed out at Curt and made remarks such as "Oh, she doesn't need her father?!" And called him a "jerk" when he opted to not stay for the blood draw. What saddens me about this is that Kim was there, witnessing all of this.
I'm not sure if all of this anger was because I was there and I made her uncomfortable or from something else altogether unrelated. Wherever it comes from, I continue to pray for her, for Curt, for the kids, and for our family. This is NOT an easy situation by any means! And it was only a doctor's appointment. I pray that graduations, wedding, and births aren't all this dramatic.
Upon reflecting on this situation, I ask myself if there was anything I could have done differently. Your thoughts? One of the hardest thing that God asks us to do (in my humble opinion) is to bless our enemies. My flesh wants nothing more than to curse my enemies. My spirit, on the other hand, knows better. So the praying continues and so does the constant asking for forgiveness.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I was recently reminded of how difficult blending a family can be. All the self help books out there didn't prepare me for this journey, which I've been on for the last three years. But no matter the difficutlties, the answer lies in God...in the Bible. All I needed to do was open up the word.
So if man came from God, and woman came from man, then the kids come from woman, so kids are subject to the woman, man, and God, but all (woman, man, and kids) should put God first because he is the ultimate. Ephesians 5 22-23
The Bible, especially this verse, reminds me that even in a blended family, God is first, than man and woman (husband and wife), then children. In our family, since we have so many kids (7 total), we tend to loose focus on this and just recently the devil took adanvtage of this and tried to do his work in our lives. Needless to say, it caused weeks of heartached and pain for all involved! The pain is still raw, it's still there for all involved. The only recourse is to move forward; live by the word of God and ask for His grace and mercy daily. No one said blending a family was easy, and those who did, were, in my opinion, delusional! But the key to happiness and successful blending is for the husband and wife to provide a united front and not give up on each other or the kids. When the road gets tough, keep plowing through and love even when it's the last thing you want to do. And always remember that God has "got your back" and no problems are too big or too small for Him.
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