“A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.”
“A good mother is someone whose child wants to follow her.”
Quoted from Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. This quote stuck with me. It really stuck.
Would my kids want to follow me? I have to look long and hard at myself to honestly answer that question.
Am I a good mother?
By whose standards am I trying to answer this question? I think this band of women called mothers is sometimes no band at all. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think this band is a group of our worst enemies. And it all comes down to comparisons.
Why do we compare our job performance when it comes to mothering? And by what standard do we use to measure this? It seems like Mother-land would be a much better place if women around the cul-de-sac reached out to support, lift up and love each other as women and as fellow mothers and not to compare ourselves and our children with each other to the extent that we do.
Comparisons – they are everywhere.
On the playground … your child can cross the monkey bars; mine cannot.
In our neighborhood … my child can ride a bike; yours cannot.
In our school … so and so’s child is in the top reading group; why isn’t mine?
At church … that child is sitting quietly while mine is misbehaving.
In the grocery store … I have sugar cereal in my basket; she’s got bunny shaped bran flakes.
In restaurants … tantrum deluxe vs. sitting and eating appropriately.
We have all been on both sides of the fence. In one situation our child acts like a perfect angel and in another, ours is the one that we want to deny is our child. I am very guilty of this, but when I sit and think about the purpose it serves to constantly compare what we’re doing vs. what our neighbor is doing vs. how my kids behave vs. how her kids behave, really, who cares? We are all in this together. We are all trying our very best to raise independent, competent, real, loving human beings and does it really matter what everybody else is doing? If they jumped off the proverbial parenting bridge, would I?
So am I a good mother?
Would my children want to follow me?
My answer is…I’m a work in progress.
But I can tell you this. The next time I get on the comparison merry-go-round, I’m going to get off and hope I have some little feet behind me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Something is not right
Something is not right, and I felt unsettled. This is not how life is supposed to be. I needed to start over. But what exactly does this mean? Some advised me to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start. I desired a change.
Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder success. Life is like a building; sometimes it needs to be torn down and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut myself off from everyone and everything I believe in and care about just because my life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation needed to fulfill life’s purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.
Here are three things I’ve found to help in my starting over.
1. Identify exactly how to and not to start over
There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following helped me determine to what extent I needed and yearned to start over.
Mentally
I wanted to start over mentally. This ranged from changing how I approached only one aspect of my life, to changing my entire mental approach to handling and coping in a step family.
I reminded myself to not allow myself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash my brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.
For example, all I’ve ever known was that exes are not supposed to be friends, not even cordial to each other. That has been portrayed to me in my own life when my father and mother divorced as well as I have seen it amongst my friends’ parents. However, this past year I had to wash my brain of those thoughts and change my way of thinking.
I’ve also had to get rid of negative thinking and taking everything personally. Let me explain: In this last week I’ve had to turn off lights in rooms where no one was in and have had to pick up pajama piles left by Jonathan in the morning as he changes and rush downstairs for breakfast. I said to my hubs last night, “Can you talk to the kids about turning off lights in rooms where no one is in?” That question and the attitude I had behind it brought everything full circle; I was back to the beginning of when all of my troubles started. This morning, as I drove into work and spending time with God I was reminded about my attitude and my negativity. I was reminded to let the little unimportant stuff go because the kids don’t do it to intentionally hurt me nor are they thinking, “We’re not going to listen to her.” In the past I would allow this to eat at me. This morning I heard, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
In the past, when I accepted and internalize information, I was re-structuring a part of how I think. Deep inside, I was not happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I needed to learn and remember my life has purpose, I have great talent waiting to be developed, and am valuable to the world and to God. I need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in my life. I also needed to change how I see myself, my worth, and my strengths as a person. It was critical to rid my negative thoughts. I had to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. I intend to start anew.
Geographically
I felt compelled to start over geographically. While it can be difficult to move, Curt and I both believed that a geographical change was the best solution. It was unconventional and I had to leave because of the pain that I had caused and this was the one way to ease the pain and start healing. I learned that when I faced my pain, I can conquer it as I heal, but when I ran from it, I will usually find it follows me, as it grows in the chase.
Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it was exactly what our lives needs. We had prayed about it, talked about it, and then embraced it. Curt and I seized the opportunity to make every opportunity count.
Emotionally
It was also necessary to start over emotionally.
It was essential to change how I respond to my children, step-children, and husband. I needed to set myself free from destructive patterns of relating and find alternative means of coping.
According to research published in a recent issue of the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, our emotional response to stressful situations could predict our body’s physical reaction to it as well as possible future health problems. Those individuals that tend to become quickly agitated when tackling even insignificantly stressful tasks could be more at risk of inflammation, which over time could lead to inflammatory diseases, such as cardiovascular disease.
Spiritually
I had to start over spiritually. When I thought about starting over spiritually, I listened to my heart, where my spiritual life begins. I also spent a lot of time on my knees. I believe God calls to us, and it was vital I listen and humble myself as Jesus did for us.
It is my belief that there is nothing more important than our engagement in our spiritual evolution, a process of healing and awakening. It is also my belief that to fully embody this we have to live it and express it in how we live, what we say, what we think. Every single choice that we make increases or decreases our development, and never before has the consequences of that ever been greater.
2. Remove the hindrances to starting over
Change the sense of what is fair
Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Often times people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people. Life is not fair and sometimes it hits us hard. But triumph despite the challenges. I had to change the expectation of fairness, and realize comparing myself to the kids' mom only hindered me. I had to push through the belief of what is fair and focus on the future instead.
Challenge the sense of effort
I did not want to do what it would take, I did not think I had to, but it really was worth it, so I did it anyway. I put forth the effort, and re-define for myself, what my life means to me and to my future generations. Effort is not the amount of energy that something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. This change is much harder than I had imagined but instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, I challenged myself beyond what I envisioned possible.
I also applied this to my life when I got accepted to graduate school. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, seven children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other working professional mothers and wives. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take prevent me from expending the effort it did take. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates my success!
Choose the sphere of influence
Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who I allow to influence me. Ignore those who say I can’t, and surround myself with those who believe I can.
I find this sphere of influence concept works particularly well if I am angry, sad, ticked off or heartbroken. If the offending party continues to offend, I flipped them out of my sphere of influence so that I can make room for people that make me feel good. However, I caution that if you absolutely can’t flip someone out of the sphere, make sure you get an extra dose of positive people in the sphere for counter balance! It’s not easy, but I guarantee that surrounding yourself with positive people will have a positive influence.
I’ve also discovered other step family blogs which helps when I think I’m the only one in the world of step families with troubles. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same things I have and have found positive ways to cope with stress.
3. Just do it!
I can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keeping eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. I know what is required for a better me.
Today, I am starting over. A new chapter has demanded itself into fruition. The turn of the revolving doors has sent me in a new direction. I have stepped out of the thick brush and back onto my path. The “refresh” button has been pushed, my passion has been restored. If “Amazing Grace” has ever spoken to me before, today I am ready to listen.
Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder success. Life is like a building; sometimes it needs to be torn down and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut myself off from everyone and everything I believe in and care about just because my life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation needed to fulfill life’s purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.
Here are three things I’ve found to help in my starting over.
1. Identify exactly how to and not to start over
There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following helped me determine to what extent I needed and yearned to start over.
Mentally
I wanted to start over mentally. This ranged from changing how I approached only one aspect of my life, to changing my entire mental approach to handling and coping in a step family.
I reminded myself to not allow myself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash my brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.
For example, all I’ve ever known was that exes are not supposed to be friends, not even cordial to each other. That has been portrayed to me in my own life when my father and mother divorced as well as I have seen it amongst my friends’ parents. However, this past year I had to wash my brain of those thoughts and change my way of thinking.
I’ve also had to get rid of negative thinking and taking everything personally. Let me explain: In this last week I’ve had to turn off lights in rooms where no one was in and have had to pick up pajama piles left by Jonathan in the morning as he changes and rush downstairs for breakfast. I said to my hubs last night, “Can you talk to the kids about turning off lights in rooms where no one is in?” That question and the attitude I had behind it brought everything full circle; I was back to the beginning of when all of my troubles started. This morning, as I drove into work and spending time with God I was reminded about my attitude and my negativity. I was reminded to let the little unimportant stuff go because the kids don’t do it to intentionally hurt me nor are they thinking, “We’re not going to listen to her.” In the past I would allow this to eat at me. This morning I heard, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
In the past, when I accepted and internalize information, I was re-structuring a part of how I think. Deep inside, I was not happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I needed to learn and remember my life has purpose, I have great talent waiting to be developed, and am valuable to the world and to God. I need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in my life. I also needed to change how I see myself, my worth, and my strengths as a person. It was critical to rid my negative thoughts. I had to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. I intend to start anew.
Geographically
I felt compelled to start over geographically. While it can be difficult to move, Curt and I both believed that a geographical change was the best solution. It was unconventional and I had to leave because of the pain that I had caused and this was the one way to ease the pain and start healing. I learned that when I faced my pain, I can conquer it as I heal, but when I ran from it, I will usually find it follows me, as it grows in the chase.
Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it was exactly what our lives needs. We had prayed about it, talked about it, and then embraced it. Curt and I seized the opportunity to make every opportunity count.
Emotionally
It was also necessary to start over emotionally.
It was essential to change how I respond to my children, step-children, and husband. I needed to set myself free from destructive patterns of relating and find alternative means of coping.
According to research published in a recent issue of the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, our emotional response to stressful situations could predict our body’s physical reaction to it as well as possible future health problems. Those individuals that tend to become quickly agitated when tackling even insignificantly stressful tasks could be more at risk of inflammation, which over time could lead to inflammatory diseases, such as cardiovascular disease.
Spiritually
I had to start over spiritually. When I thought about starting over spiritually, I listened to my heart, where my spiritual life begins. I also spent a lot of time on my knees. I believe God calls to us, and it was vital I listen and humble myself as Jesus did for us.
It is my belief that there is nothing more important than our engagement in our spiritual evolution, a process of healing and awakening. It is also my belief that to fully embody this we have to live it and express it in how we live, what we say, what we think. Every single choice that we make increases or decreases our development, and never before has the consequences of that ever been greater.
2. Remove the hindrances to starting over
Change the sense of what is fair
Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Often times people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people. Life is not fair and sometimes it hits us hard. But triumph despite the challenges. I had to change the expectation of fairness, and realize comparing myself to the kids' mom only hindered me. I had to push through the belief of what is fair and focus on the future instead.
Challenge the sense of effort
I did not want to do what it would take, I did not think I had to, but it really was worth it, so I did it anyway. I put forth the effort, and re-define for myself, what my life means to me and to my future generations. Effort is not the amount of energy that something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. This change is much harder than I had imagined but instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, I challenged myself beyond what I envisioned possible.
I also applied this to my life when I got accepted to graduate school. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, seven children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other working professional mothers and wives. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take prevent me from expending the effort it did take. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates my success!
Choose the sphere of influence
Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who I allow to influence me. Ignore those who say I can’t, and surround myself with those who believe I can.
I find this sphere of influence concept works particularly well if I am angry, sad, ticked off or heartbroken. If the offending party continues to offend, I flipped them out of my sphere of influence so that I can make room for people that make me feel good. However, I caution that if you absolutely can’t flip someone out of the sphere, make sure you get an extra dose of positive people in the sphere for counter balance! It’s not easy, but I guarantee that surrounding yourself with positive people will have a positive influence.
I’ve also discovered other step family blogs which helps when I think I’m the only one in the world of step families with troubles. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same things I have and have found positive ways to cope with stress.
3. Just do it!
I can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keeping eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. I know what is required for a better me.
Today, I am starting over. A new chapter has demanded itself into fruition. The turn of the revolving doors has sent me in a new direction. I have stepped out of the thick brush and back onto my path. The “refresh” button has been pushed, my passion has been restored. If “Amazing Grace” has ever spoken to me before, today I am ready to listen.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Boys Can Cook Too
There was a time when a girls place was considered to be in the kitchen and a boys place anywhere else, as long as it was as far from the kitchen as possible. But times have changed. Not only do young men need to know how to provide for themselves on a budget, many of them also enjoy cooking. Boys need to learn to cook so that they can be self-sufficient and capable of feeding themselves – no excuses. Plus, think how happy his future significant other will be to find out that he is a good cook. Unfortunately, many still believe that cooking is for women. How silly is that, since many of the best chefs are men.
When my boys are at their dad’s house he feeds them hot dogs with ramen noodles, scramble eggs and toast, or microwave meals. YUCK! So, my oldest has asked that I teach him how to cook so he can cook for his dad and brother when he’s there. Ever since he learned the finer points of the food pyramid, I think he’s concerned about keeping his girlish figure.
My kids like to help at a very young age, but I’ve often chased them from the kitchen believing their “help” will be more work for me. What I should have done instead is take the necessary precautions, teach them the rules of the kitchen, teach them to clean up after themselves, and supervise them constantly. Teaching children from a young age builds confidence. It also encourages them to try new things.
In addition to spending time with my boys and doing something I love, it is wonderful to watch them take so much pride in their cooking and manage to have fun in the process. This past weekend I taught Jonathan and Vinh how to make fettuccini alfredo, corn, and chocolate brownies and cake for dessert. The meal was a big hit!
Once boys thought they had no need for cooking skills. After all, they would grow up and marry a wife who would cook wonderful meals for them. There is no longer any guarantee that this will happen. With changing social patterns many young men remain single. If they don’t cook their own meal, no one else will do it for them. In these circumstances, boys who have been taught to cook while young have a definite financial and nutritional advantage when it comes to feeding themselves.
Even if young men do marry, there is no guarantee they will automatically be fed by loving wives. These days most marriages are partnerships, with both partners sharing responsibilities. These shared responsibilities should also include cooking a basic meal. Money goes a lot further when both partners are able to take their turn cooking simple, nutritious meals.
Boys will fare much better in their independent lives away from home if they can cook. By starting with simple tasks, such as boiling water and making toast, under parental guidance boys become comfortable in the kitchen. As they grow older they become more independent in the kitchen and learn to look after themselves. Mine have learned the art off “cooking” waffles in the toaster since the age of 3 so they wouldn't go hungry since I don't "do" breakfast.
It is my role to see that this independent confidence happens. When my sons leave home for the first time, I will have taught them to cook and will feel more relaxed, knowing that these boys have grown into young men who are at ease in the kitchen and who know how to make a meal other than hot dogs and ramen. I will know that I have given my sons skills that will enable them to survive both financially and socially in their new independent lives.
When my boys are at their dad’s house he feeds them hot dogs with ramen noodles, scramble eggs and toast, or microwave meals. YUCK! So, my oldest has asked that I teach him how to cook so he can cook for his dad and brother when he’s there. Ever since he learned the finer points of the food pyramid, I think he’s concerned about keeping his girlish figure.
My kids like to help at a very young age, but I’ve often chased them from the kitchen believing their “help” will be more work for me. What I should have done instead is take the necessary precautions, teach them the rules of the kitchen, teach them to clean up after themselves, and supervise them constantly. Teaching children from a young age builds confidence. It also encourages them to try new things.
In addition to spending time with my boys and doing something I love, it is wonderful to watch them take so much pride in their cooking and manage to have fun in the process. This past weekend I taught Jonathan and Vinh how to make fettuccini alfredo, corn, and chocolate brownies and cake for dessert. The meal was a big hit!
Once boys thought they had no need for cooking skills. After all, they would grow up and marry a wife who would cook wonderful meals for them. There is no longer any guarantee that this will happen. With changing social patterns many young men remain single. If they don’t cook their own meal, no one else will do it for them. In these circumstances, boys who have been taught to cook while young have a definite financial and nutritional advantage when it comes to feeding themselves.
Even if young men do marry, there is no guarantee they will automatically be fed by loving wives. These days most marriages are partnerships, with both partners sharing responsibilities. These shared responsibilities should also include cooking a basic meal. Money goes a lot further when both partners are able to take their turn cooking simple, nutritious meals.
Boys will fare much better in their independent lives away from home if they can cook. By starting with simple tasks, such as boiling water and making toast, under parental guidance boys become comfortable in the kitchen. As they grow older they become more independent in the kitchen and learn to look after themselves. Mine have learned the art off “cooking” waffles in the toaster since the age of 3 so they wouldn't go hungry since I don't "do" breakfast.
It is my role to see that this independent confidence happens. When my sons leave home for the first time, I will have taught them to cook and will feel more relaxed, knowing that these boys have grown into young men who are at ease in the kitchen and who know how to make a meal other than hot dogs and ramen. I will know that I have given my sons skills that will enable them to survive both financially and socially in their new independent lives.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Stay in touch
In the last five years or so I’ve been notoriously bad at keeping in touch. It's not that I don't think of people, and it's not even that I don't think of getting in touch. It’s that there’s something that’s got to give and for me that has been hour long phone calls amongst a few other things.
Sometimes we get annoyed when we have a friend who never initiates an invitation or a phone call. Danielle, I’m reminded of you :) If it bothers you to always do the calling, but you truly value this friendship, maybe it’s time to forget about protocol. I have friends who I’ve known for 20 years and we always pick up where we left off when we see each other again but we can go for years without as much as a phone call. Again, Danielle, that’s you! *lol* Just because you’re the one who always calls does not necessarily mean that the friendship is one-sided. I have friends who are always so glad I called, or sent a birthday card, or wrote, but they rarely ever reciprocate. I do all the staying in touch. It’s not something I fully understand, except to say it’s the way these people are wired. I rarely worry that these girls aren't interested in a friendship with me. I honestly feel that I'd pick up on a vibe if that were indeed the case. Is that ballsy? Am I being a little too overconfident? Well, maybe, but I do think most of us can tell the difference between a friend who isn't good at keeping in touch, and a friend who wants us out of her life.
Think about it; perhaps there is someone who calls, emails, or generally seeks you out more than you do them. How does it make you feel when they call? You enjoy hearing from them, right? I love it!
You may think you’ll have time to stay in touch, and just as you’re about to reach out, your child (or children) needs help with a problem or your husband needs to vent about a work situation. You forget to call your friend during the time she was on your mind and just like that, weeks have passed. Don’t feel guilty! Our girlfriends understand that it’s important to put the needs of our family first. But don’t let this go on perpetually.
Why not contact someone, who you call friend, this week? Go through your address book and call.
I need to call Jen about her reduction and to catch up on gossip from Minnesota, Sheri since she just had a new baby, Michelle to update her on my life and to get her update, Megan to get the scoop on the new/old bf, Beth to check up on her, Twila to get news about my nephew and nieces, Lisa to wish her a Happy Birthday, Charel to ask how I can pray for her family, Danette because she needs to talk to me, and Shirleen to catch up since we’ve been playing phone tag for a month now! And that’s only half of my list! I think I’ll rely on Facebook and text for the rest.
Fabulous friendships can die through neglect. Don't allow this to happen to you. With Facebook, Skype, IMs, text, etc. there should be NO reason why I can’t stay in touch with my friends.
To quote from Nike, JUST DO IT!
Sometimes we get annoyed when we have a friend who never initiates an invitation or a phone call. Danielle, I’m reminded of you :) If it bothers you to always do the calling, but you truly value this friendship, maybe it’s time to forget about protocol. I have friends who I’ve known for 20 years and we always pick up where we left off when we see each other again but we can go for years without as much as a phone call. Again, Danielle, that’s you! *lol* Just because you’re the one who always calls does not necessarily mean that the friendship is one-sided. I have friends who are always so glad I called, or sent a birthday card, or wrote, but they rarely ever reciprocate. I do all the staying in touch. It’s not something I fully understand, except to say it’s the way these people are wired. I rarely worry that these girls aren't interested in a friendship with me. I honestly feel that I'd pick up on a vibe if that were indeed the case. Is that ballsy? Am I being a little too overconfident? Well, maybe, but I do think most of us can tell the difference between a friend who isn't good at keeping in touch, and a friend who wants us out of her life.
Think about it; perhaps there is someone who calls, emails, or generally seeks you out more than you do them. How does it make you feel when they call? You enjoy hearing from them, right? I love it!
You may think you’ll have time to stay in touch, and just as you’re about to reach out, your child (or children) needs help with a problem or your husband needs to vent about a work situation. You forget to call your friend during the time she was on your mind and just like that, weeks have passed. Don’t feel guilty! Our girlfriends understand that it’s important to put the needs of our family first. But don’t let this go on perpetually.
Why not contact someone, who you call friend, this week? Go through your address book and call.
I need to call Jen about her reduction and to catch up on gossip from Minnesota, Sheri since she just had a new baby, Michelle to update her on my life and to get her update, Megan to get the scoop on the new/old bf, Beth to check up on her, Twila to get news about my nephew and nieces, Lisa to wish her a Happy Birthday, Charel to ask how I can pray for her family, Danette because she needs to talk to me, and Shirleen to catch up since we’ve been playing phone tag for a month now! And that’s only half of my list! I think I’ll rely on Facebook and text for the rest.
Fabulous friendships can die through neglect. Don't allow this to happen to you. With Facebook, Skype, IMs, text, etc. there should be NO reason why I can’t stay in touch with my friends.
To quote from Nike, JUST DO IT!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)