Dear Mr. Braafladt,
It's not particularly hard to identify the most influential teachers in my life as I think about them time and time again, year after year. I had many. But one who stands out above the rest.
I walked into your English class trembling with fear because I had heard rumors about how strict you were from other students and those rumors were confirmed on the first day of school when you asked us to memorize our favorite poems and be prepared to discuss why it was our favorite. I still remember The Road Not Taken 20+ years later.
You were intelligent, thought-provoking, and interesting. You asked us questions that forced us to consider opinions and beliefs outside of ourselves. You helped me recognize a deep appreciation for writing. On a personal level, you began to invest in me as a student and friend. Your commitment to my learning, my confidence, and my overall well-being was a testament to your character.
I will never forget the many hours we spent in the classroom and on the school newspaper but mostly I remember how most of us were dedicated because it meant we could share more time with you. You encouraged me to always expect more from myself, to be honest and compassionate when dealing with others, and to use my gifts and talents to make the world a better place. As a student in your classroom, you showed me the impact one teacher can have. Thank you for being the teacher you are and were -- to students who needed you the most.
Even when I was struggling, you encouraged me. When I was confused, you believed in me. When I wanted to give up, you pushed me harder. In your classroom, I learned how to be a student, how to experience success.
Somewhere in the thousand "warm conversations" that you and I shared, you said something that has helped defined who I am as a person. You encouraged my love for reading and writing and that love never left me-I hope to instill that into my children. Every time I pick up a book I think of the man who made me think beyond my teenage years.
Thank You, Mr. Braafladt, for being one of the most challenging teachers that I ever had the chance to learn from.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Boys will be boys
Five short years ago my boys were sheltered from toy guns because I saw no need for them to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.
Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My sons loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.
What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my sons would be left out of most neighborhood games. And even if I banned them, the damage was done: They had seen the guns and each wanted one.
I was advised by friends to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, they said, and you'll only make things worse.
So I nervously watched while my innocent children played guns. I research the pros and cons of toy guns and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up. And after days of intense interest, the plastic guns lay forgotten next to the toy box while my sons once again watched the Disney channel.
If only I was to be so lucky.
The same sons are now 10 and 9 (along with their step-brother Jonathan who is 11) enjoy movies that have anything to do with lots of action and shooting the bad guys. They also have a BB guns, pellet guns, Nerf guns, and enjoy shooting targets at Cub Scout camps or down at the creek. One of their most favorite activities is to play war with Nerf guns in the dark. There is so much laughter and screaming it would give any mother a headache! Did I mention that it sounds like a herd of elephants upstairs too?
So no -- I don't have any advice for steering little boys away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.
In the world of hot parenting topics, boys and imaginary gunplay rank at the top. In a culture already filled with violent video games, TV programs, and images of a real war, it can be unnerving to see an innocent child pretending to kill someone. Yet no study has yet linked pretend gunplay to future violent behavior, and most child experts agree that by forbidding gunplay entirely, parents give it far more power and will probably drive it underground.
Assuming you’re willing to take their word for it, what should you do? How can you allow your kids to “experiment” and use their imagination, guns blazing, without losing your cool? Here are a few tips:
• Shaming Is Never Helpful. Despite our potential discomfort, we must be careful in how we deal with boys who want to play with pretend guns. “The last thing you want to do is shame your child – because that leads boys to mask their feelings and act with false bravado” warns William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the gunplay, and even play along to better understand your child’s perspective.
• Clarify Your Values. A child participating in gunplay is usually yearning to understand power in relationships. By killing the “bad guys” he can, in his mind, exert some control over his world.
• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.
• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys play with guns is, in part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."
• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says "If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have experienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games, and books.)
Take a deep breath and realize this is a stage, like any other. It doesn’t mean your child is destined for a life of crime. Curiosity and vulnerability often lie underneath our sons’ “Bang, Bang” bravado. This may be helpful to remember next time there’s a finger pointed in your direction.
Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My sons loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.
What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my sons would be left out of most neighborhood games. And even if I banned them, the damage was done: They had seen the guns and each wanted one.
I was advised by friends to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, they said, and you'll only make things worse.
So I nervously watched while my innocent children played guns. I research the pros and cons of toy guns and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up. And after days of intense interest, the plastic guns lay forgotten next to the toy box while my sons once again watched the Disney channel.
If only I was to be so lucky.
The same sons are now 10 and 9 (along with their step-brother Jonathan who is 11) enjoy movies that have anything to do with lots of action and shooting the bad guys. They also have a BB guns, pellet guns, Nerf guns, and enjoy shooting targets at Cub Scout camps or down at the creek. One of their most favorite activities is to play war with Nerf guns in the dark. There is so much laughter and screaming it would give any mother a headache! Did I mention that it sounds like a herd of elephants upstairs too?
So no -- I don't have any advice for steering little boys away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.
In the world of hot parenting topics, boys and imaginary gunplay rank at the top. In a culture already filled with violent video games, TV programs, and images of a real war, it can be unnerving to see an innocent child pretending to kill someone. Yet no study has yet linked pretend gunplay to future violent behavior, and most child experts agree that by forbidding gunplay entirely, parents give it far more power and will probably drive it underground.
Assuming you’re willing to take their word for it, what should you do? How can you allow your kids to “experiment” and use their imagination, guns blazing, without losing your cool? Here are a few tips:
• Shaming Is Never Helpful. Despite our potential discomfort, we must be careful in how we deal with boys who want to play with pretend guns. “The last thing you want to do is shame your child – because that leads boys to mask their feelings and act with false bravado” warns William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the gunplay, and even play along to better understand your child’s perspective.
• Clarify Your Values. A child participating in gunplay is usually yearning to understand power in relationships. By killing the “bad guys” he can, in his mind, exert some control over his world.
• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.
• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys play with guns is, in part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."
• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says "If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have experienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games, and books.)
Take a deep breath and realize this is a stage, like any other. It doesn’t mean your child is destined for a life of crime. Curiosity and vulnerability often lie underneath our sons’ “Bang, Bang” bravado. This may be helpful to remember next time there’s a finger pointed in your direction.
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