Friendship is so many things to so many people and can be different for everyone and in every relationship. As we get older, good friendships are harder to find, but, for this reason, I think it is even more important to cherish and celebrate them. I'm fortunate to have many great friends -- both old and new. With every hardship I've had to face in life, I've been fortunate enough to have friends by my side, journeying with me down the winding, curving roads of life's highs and lows. The past few years have been filled with change and transformation for me and I couldn't be more grateful for those who have been beside me, supporting me -- for those who have been my friends. Below is the E-mail (with modifications since I wrote it out of anger) I had sent to three girl friends and retold it to a fourth. All four had differing input, advice, and prayer which is why “you are the flowers” in my life. Thanks for the advice and laughs ladies!
"Last night, after work, I went to work out and then stopped in to watch the last 1/2 hour of Jonathan's game. When I got to the field, I see Brandi, Christen, and Curt all sitting together. Like one happy family. So, when we got home he starts talking about that. Says that he was sitting there with Christen (because he picked her up from her track meet) and when Brandi got there she just sat herself down on the other side of Christen. Says he was uncomfortable so he moved over. I said, "Why didn't you move to another row?"
So this is why I'm ticked. He may have moved over but there was NO gap between him and Christen except enough room for a bag of sunflower seeds! There was more gap between him and the woman next to him than him and Christen! How do I know this? Because when I got there I stepped in between him and the other woman to climb to the next row of seats!
I'm also mad/sad/disappointed because this is not the first time. Another time was at another game a month or so ago. We got to the baseball game. I sat in the car reading since it hadn't started yet. He sets up two of our lawn chairs. She comes over and starts chatting since she didn't see me. Asks if she could sit in one of those chairs and he says yes! But he did tell her I’d be there soon. After that time we had a talk about that and I told him straight out that I don't appreciate her sitting in my chair and what it looks like is that they're the couple. I wasn't mad really the first time because after a bit he realized how it looked and got up and stood behind his chair instead. But he knew how I felt about it and says it won't happen again.
Well, last night it happened again! I told him she shows NO respect for our marriage because this stuff keeps happening. And his actions, by not moving to another row, says the same thing. I told him that he's never said "call me before you get here" when he's asked me if I'm coming to a game. So here I am showing up at a game and see this? What am I to think? So if this stuff happens when you don't know if I'm coming or not, then what else happens when I don't come? What else don't I see?
I'm disappointed because he doesn't get it! He doesn't get why I'm hurt. Says that he's never "cheated" etc why would I even think that? It's NOT what I think. It's what I see that bothers me! And to me, actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see to get it.
None of this would be a big deal if she comes over and sits down when I'm there or talks to him when I'm there. She only does this when she doesn't see me around.
And he seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" just makes it all better. I told him last night, instead of hindsight being 20/20 and apologizing afterward, why don't you think about your actions and change it instead? Saying I'm sorry this time does NOT make it better!! I reminded him that he's always talked about people's perception and how important that is. Well, to strangers last night, the perception is that they're the couple there watching their son play baseball and their other daughter is sitting between them! That perception only changed when I showed up! I also told him that it is his responsibility to make sure that I'm secure in this relationship. That's his duty as my husband! If I'm getting the wrong perceptions then it's his responsibility to change that because if I'm seeing something that is not really there, what are other people seeing? And these people don't have any intimate knowledge of who we all are!
I understand they will always need to communicate because of the kids. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with the lack of respect for our marriage relationship. Just because she's the mother of his children does NOT give her permission to be disrespectful!
Miesha said, “The one good thing is that he felt uncomfortable with her doing that, that’s a good sign, even if he didn’t handle it the best way. He’s a guy and they are clueless. You may have to go through some mock “what do you do in this scenario” things with him so he gets it. The next time she pulls that, he should tell her, you know Brandi, I noticed that you only come around and hang out like this when my wife is not around and that’s not ok with me because it makes me feel like you’re disrespecting her and our relationship. She will be shocked and it will stop or she will go off on him, either way she will be shut down and know her place.”
Briana said, “OMG… I would be pissed too. And probably more than that, I’d feel hurt. You are completely justified in your feelings. She’s a nut. Why all the drama all the time??? You should just duke it out on Jerry Springer and be done with it once and for all!”
Jen said, “Lord, I pray that you give Ami the strength and patience to endure these circumstances that arise between Curt and his ex wife. Let her trust that you know best and will always be there for her. And I pray Father that you help Curt realize that his actions are harmful and disrespectful to his wife and that he becomes a better steward of their relationship even when he is not in her presence. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Danette said, “So, did you just show up without calling?” Of course I did!
Since the E-mail, Curt has talked to his ex about the situation and asked that she never do that again. And as Miesha predicted, she went ballistic, started calling him names, made accusations, and was all dramatic with tears. I’ve also updated my girl friends and laughed out loud at their responses.
Curt and I have also talked and have kissed and made up; with him realizing I am right. I love it when I am right!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A Stepmother's Prayer
Lord, help me to be a good stepmother… give me the patience of a saint, the strength of an ox, and the skin of a rhinoceros.
Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.
Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.
Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.
Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.
Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.
Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.
Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.
Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.
Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.
Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.
Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.
Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Siblings
The relationship between brothers and sisters can be quite amazing. My brother (Kiki) and I are 11 months apart (to the day) and were inseparable for a long time. We have a relationship that is more like being twins rather than older sister and younger brother.
When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.
During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.
As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.
I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.
What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”
Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”
When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.
During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.
As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.
I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.
What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”
Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Jesus was from a blended family
There are days during my marriage when I wonder if our house will ever feel like a warm, loving home. I feel a dark cloud hanging over Curt and me. Just when I thought we were making progress in an area of our marriage or in relationships within our family, something would break loose and hit us blindside.
Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.
I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”
Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?
These are a few of the dark areas in our family:
No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own
Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..
Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.
I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”
Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?
These are a few of the dark areas in our family:
No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own
Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..
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