According to a few birth order books I’ve read, “second-born children are often born into a competitive atmosphere, due to the pressure exerted by the eldest. They tend to adopt behaviors and characteristics that are the exact opposite of the first-born and in some cases exert more a rebellious spirit.” Also, “Second-born children show increases in traits like adventurousness and independence across adolescence.”
I’m one of two kids, and now have three biological children and four step children of my own, so I most definitely know each child dances to a different beat. You’re not supposed to compare. In fact, you’ll likely need to modify your parenting style at times to synch up with your unique offspring. I get that. I just need to remember it and put it to practice to help Jaden build his confidence and to succeed.
Middle children are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. However, I’ve discovered that if I cuddle with Jaden once lights are out, I can get him to talk about everything because physical touch is his love language and he’s also trying to avoid bed time. As a parent, you’ve got be creative!
The middle child may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. Jaden’s closest friend since kinder is Rogelio and he introduces all of his peers as, “My friend….” I’ve often wondered how everyone can be a “friend” to him in five minutes of meeting that person. Now I know. They are people pleasers and have a large social circle. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, are popular amongst friends and peers, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
To parent the middle child, take the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time. If I’m busy and other kids are demanding my attention and don’t take the time to listen to Jaden, he will plaster a fake smile on his face and quietly withdraw, physically and emotionally.
Jaden and I have started reading the diary I’ve kept for him since I found out I was pregnant with him. I read this to him and he loves it! It was also recommended that he and I journal together; write “love notes” back and forth to each other in his diary and make this “just between us.” And for me to use all of his misspelled words when I respond so I can show him how to spell them correctly without tearing down his self esteem. This will change his, “I can’t” to “I can.”
Allow the middle child to make decisions. I’ve empower Jaden, at times, to choose where we could go to dinner or where we could go to spend some alone time together; this will make him feel special by allowing him to make choices. This will also help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.
I’ve updated the family album and have created a scrapbook just for Jaden. There tend to be a billion photos of Vinh and about half of that for Jaden; I have three full albums of Vinh, two of Jaden, and half of one for Angelina. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.
Not only do I need to be sensitive to the middle child but I also need to consider my step children and their birth order as well because in the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, "blended families don't blend; they collide."
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