God's Voice

My commute times and shower times are the times I allow myself the luxury of thinking, analyzing, and communicating with God. They may not be the ideal settings, but it is a routine that has worked for me. Many more times than not I hear him. No, He doesn’t appear in a burning bush nor is He a booming voice from Heaven. I hear His words in my head; the quite, yet firm and gentle voice that all too often I mistake for my own conscience. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know who it is.

An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.

This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.

That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.

But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.