Something is not right

Something is not right, and I felt unsettled. This is not how life is supposed to be. I needed to start over. But what exactly does this mean? Some advised me to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start. I desired a change.

Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder success. Life is like a building; sometimes it needs to be torn down and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut myself off from everyone and everything I believe in and care about just because my life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation needed to fulfill life’s purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.

Here are three things I’ve found to help in my starting over.

1. Identify exactly how to and not to start over

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following helped me determine to what extent I needed and yearned to start over.

Mentally

I wanted to start over mentally. This ranged from changing how I approached only one aspect of my life, to changing my entire mental approach to handling and coping in a step family.

I reminded myself to not allow myself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash my brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.

For example, all I’ve ever known was that exes are not supposed to be friends, not even cordial to each other. That has been portrayed to me in my own life when my father and mother divorced as well as I have seen it amongst my friends’ parents. However, this past year I had to wash my brain of those thoughts and change my way of thinking.

I’ve also had to get rid of negative thinking and taking everything personally. Let me explain: In this last week I’ve had to turn off lights in rooms where no one was in and have had to pick up pajama piles left by Jonathan in the morning as he changes and rush downstairs for breakfast. I said to my hubs last night, “Can you talk to the kids about turning off lights in rooms where no one is in?” That question and the attitude I had behind it brought everything full circle; I was back to the beginning of when all of my troubles started. This morning, as I drove into work and spending time with God I was reminded about my attitude and my negativity. I was reminded to let the little unimportant stuff go because the kids don’t do it to intentionally hurt me nor are they thinking, “We’re not going to listen to her.” In the past I would allow this to eat at me. This morning I heard, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In the past, when I accepted and internalize information, I was re-structuring a part of how I think. Deep inside, I was not happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I needed to learn and remember my life has purpose, I have great talent waiting to be developed, and am valuable to the world and to God. I need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in my life. I also needed to change how I see myself, my worth, and my strengths as a person. It was critical to rid my negative thoughts. I had to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. I intend to start anew.

Geographically

I felt compelled to start over geographically. While it can be difficult to move, Curt and I both believed that a geographical change was the best solution. It was unconventional and I had to leave because of the pain that I had caused and this was the one way to ease the pain and start healing. I learned that when I faced my pain, I can conquer it as I heal, but when I ran from it, I will usually find it follows me, as it grows in the chase.

Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it was exactly what our lives needs. We had prayed about it, talked about it, and then embraced it. Curt and I seized the opportunity to make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

It was also necessary to start over emotionally.

It was essential to change how I respond to my children, step-children, and husband. I needed to set myself free from destructive patterns of relating and find alternative means of coping.

According to research published in a recent issue of the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, our emotional response to stressful situations could predict our body’s physical reaction to it as well as possible future health problems. Those individuals that tend to become quickly agitated when tackling even insignificantly stressful tasks could be more at risk of inflammation, which over time could lead to inflammatory diseases, such as cardiovascular disease.

Spiritually

I had to start over spiritually. When I thought about starting over spiritually, I listened to my heart, where my spiritual life begins. I also spent a lot of time on my knees. I believe God calls to us, and it was vital I listen and humble myself as Jesus did for us.

It is my belief that there is nothing more important than our engagement in our spiritual evolution, a process of healing and awakening. It is also my belief that to fully embody this we have to live it and express it in how we live, what we say, what we think. Every single choice that we make increases or decreases our development, and never before has the consequences of that ever been greater.

2. Remove the hindrances to starting over

Change the sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Often times people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people. Life is not fair and sometimes it hits us hard. But triumph despite the challenges. I had to change the expectation of fairness, and realize comparing myself to the kids' mom only hindered me. I had to push through the belief of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

Challenge the sense of effort

I did not want to do what it would take, I did not think I had to, but it really was worth it, so I did it anyway. I put forth the effort, and re-define for myself, what my life means to me and to my future generations. Effort is not the amount of energy that something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. This change is much harder than I had imagined but instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, I challenged myself beyond what I envisioned possible.

I also applied this to my life when I got accepted to graduate school. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, seven children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other working professional mothers and wives. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take prevent me from expending the effort it did take. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates my success!

Choose the sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who I allow to influence me. Ignore those who say I can’t, and surround myself with those who believe I can.

I find this sphere of influence concept works particularly well if I am angry, sad, ticked off or heartbroken. If the offending party continues to offend, I flipped them out of my sphere of influence so that I can make room for people that make me feel good. However, I caution that if you absolutely can’t flip someone out of the sphere, make sure you get an extra dose of positive people in the sphere for counter balance! It’s not easy, but I guarantee that surrounding yourself with positive people will have a positive influence.

I’ve also discovered other step family blogs which helps when I think I’m the only one in the world of step families with troubles. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same things I have and have found positive ways to cope with stress.

3. Just do it!

I can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keeping eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. I know what is required for a better me.

Today, I am starting over. A new chapter has demanded itself into fruition. The turn of the revolving doors has sent me in a new direction. I have stepped out of the thick brush and back onto my path. The “refresh” button has been pushed, my passion has been restored. If “Amazing Grace” has ever spoken to me before, today I am ready to listen.