I recently shared my blog with a dear family friend who has known me for most of my life; since I was 7 years old and new to this country.
After reading through my blog, Jon stated that “the notion and term of a ‘Blended Family’ tends to be an idealistic and misdirected concept that creates problems.” He prefers “Diverse and without growing up together family.”
I like that.
Curt and I have been together for almost 3 years, which also means that our children have only known each other for 3 years. To expect that they mesh and meld as one big happy family is unrealistic and can be difficult to attain.
My three children are used to just having me around. They know me to discipline, to cuddle with, to take them on outings, etc. Now they have to learn to adjust to some one else disciplining them, less alone time with me, and family trips that include 9 people. Curt’s kids have only know their mom and dad all of their lives. Family trips involved planning for 6 people rather than 9. They all grew up together; been through the good, bad, and ugly together. But all that changed for them when one person made a decision.
One person’s decision can change the course of the lives of many people.
That decision, or perhaps a series of decisions, threw all 9 of us together, under one roof, having to learn to adjust and readjust to life together as a “diverse and without growing up together family.”
Our diversity isn’t merely physical, it’s skin deep, roots deep, beliefs deep, culture deep, and experiences deep to just name a few.
I was born and raised in Vietnam until I was 7. Then I spent most of my life in Duluth, Minnesota. Already I grew up in two areas very different than Curt. I was raised a Buddhist who attended Catholic school and participated in Mass every Thursday as part of our curriculum, and I worshipped idols. I grew up in weather that could reach 60 below zero. Curt grew up in an area where people travel to the snow for the weekend. He’s known God all of his life, was born again when he was 27. I’ve only turned my life over to God 3 years ago. Curt can recite Bible passages while I try to wrap my brain around a few verses. These are only a few of our differences. The list would be too long if I were to list the children’s differences as well.
Because we all didn’t grow up together, there are many things I had to learn in order to function as a new family unit of 9. For example, I am very direct and say it like it is, it’s the choleric and the flaw in my character. Two weeks ago, I picked up the four kids from their mom’s house and they all stunk! Whatever had been percolating in their mom’s house decided to attach itself onto the kids’ clothes. I rolled down the window and told them all to keep it down because they stink! By no means did I mean to say they were no good, but regardless of what I meant, I had hurt some very fragile egos. I later apologized. I have to learn to not be so quick with my words and to consider the ramifications first. This is new and foreign to me and only one of the many adjustments that I need to make.
Growing up together means knowing the little nuances of family members. It means learning how to clean at a very young age; Vinh, my oldest, asked for a toy vacuum and cleaning supplies for Christmas one year. It means knowing what is expected and not tolerated when it comes to self hygiene. It means appreciating Vietnamese food. It also means knowing what buttons to push.
Jon told me that a counselor told him that you need to “double a child’s age before being able to hope they fully accept their mom or dad marrying again and before being able to fully feel comfortable in their ‘blended family’ (e.g., a 10 year old needs about 10 years to adapt/accept/work through/become comfortable).”
Ten years is a long time!
God give me patience…
He’s definitely putting me a situation that will teach me patience. He does know what He’s doing after all…and I need to let go and let God.
Jon, thank you for your kind words, wisdom, and continued prayers as I walk my walk.
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