Stay at home mom....what's it worth?

I am leaning towards being a stay-at-home mom. My problem is that I feel that I have to have a young baby to be worthy of staying at home. I have 7 kids but all are in school, the youngest is a third grader. I want to stay at home because as the years fly by I’m realizing more and more I don’t have much time left with any of them. I’m actually learning to stop and smell the roses along the journey.

But whenever I hear anyone talk about being a stay at home mom, the next thing I hear is that they have small children. Are there any parents out there, who came to the realization that they wanted to stay at home for their family but did not have small kids? I feel like if someone ask me what do I do and I tell them that I am a homemaker but I do not have small kids at home, they will say to me that you don't have a child at home during the day, so why are you not working until he comes home? Because for me, I’d make more money being a stay at home mom, if only there was a paycheck involved.

So what's a mom worth?

According to one report, $115,432 a year.

The most recent survey revealed that -- like many others -- Mom's compensation has gone down slightly. The 2011 results indicate that stay-at-home moms earned a base salary of $36,968 plus $78,464 in overtime, bringing her total compensation to $115,432.

Mothers working outside the home earned a "mom" base salary of $39,763 plus $23,709 in overtime totaling $63,472 in addition to the compensation from their day job.
According to this year's survey, the typical stay-at-home mom spends 13.2 hours as a day care center teacher; 3.9 hours as the family's CEO; 7.6 hours as a psychologist; 14.1 hours as a cook; 15.4 as a housekeeper; 6.6 hours doing laundry; 9.5 hours as a computer operator; 10.7 hours as a facilities manager; 7.8 hours as a janitor and 7.8hours as a van driver. Also uncovered was Mom's increased role as family psychologist and facilities manager and diminished role as CEO.

Hmmmm….I need to seriously consider this stay at home gig.

Decorating

I’ve always been a firm believer that kids’ bedrooms should be organized, have a theme (sports for boys and princess for girls), and are neat and tidy. In the last six months or so I’m finding that I need to learn to walk away and have the mindset of “this is not my room, it's theirs.” This has become my mantra and I also avoid going into their rooms as much as possible.

If you are planning on decorating your child’s bedroom, to avoid fights, hassles and headaches, let them be involved in the planning stage. As parents, we tend to put our likes and dislikes on our children. However, children have minds of their own; they have their own likes and dislikes. We learned this when they were two, and the “terrible two’s” commenced. How could we have forgotten?

I have to remember that although it’s my house, it’s their room. Children spend a lot of time in their rooms and it should reflect their style, not mine. Allow them to use their creativity as an outlet to decorating their own space. This is probably one of the first things they can do that will allow them to be an individual. I still need to guide them, as these decisions are made, to watch budget, safety and growth potential. (By growth potential I mean that if your child decides on a style of window treatment and fabric, make sure that the window treatment being picked at age 8, will grow with them to age 16. So maybe the style of the window treatment is okay, but the fabric needs to be more age neutral.)

Letting my children be a part of the decorating process as well as allowing a poster or two of Justin Beiber to be hung, will not only be adding to the "beauty" of my home, but me and my children will be happier for it.

Understanding this is still a work in process for me; I’m still having a hard time getting rid of my daughter’s high chair even though she’s turning 8 in a few months. It's even harder to get rid of her flower lamp and flower dresser knobs...They grow up so fast.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

Forming a blended family is more about the journey than reaching a particular destination. Moments of sheer terror may mark parts of the trip, but the process of meeting those challenges together can be more rewarding than any travel brochure could possibly describe.

I’ve realize I'd been so busy focusing on getting to the destination, that I missed the real fun - the journey.

This happens all the time in a remarriage with children. You get remarried and can't wait to have a "family" again. Unfortunately, what frequently happens is that couples are completely blindsided by how things don't go smoothly in this family.

• Everyone isn't excited about being a family.
• People may not even like each other.

This is when everyone starts becoming very disillusioned and begins to think there's something wrong with this family. It's not acting like the previous one you were a part of. Parents start questioning whether they've made a huge mistake by creating this remarriage with children and may even begin thinking re-divorce.

I tell you, wait! Enjoy the journey. Research has shown us time and again that it can take up to 7 years for a remarriage with children to begin to feel comfortable and really function well together. That's a LONG journey in order to get to your destination of "comfortable."

If all you do is focus on what's wrong right now, you miss out on a lot of really cool times. Keep your eyes open for those times when your family life is calm - even if it's for a few moments. Those sightings are what will let you know you're heading in the right direction and aren't lost.

While the journey in a remarriage with children may be long and perilous, there's a rich and satisfying destination for those brave enough to remain on the path. That path is often difficult to navigate and often I’ve felt that I’ve fallen and have no more energy to pick myself up, dust of the dirt, and keep on trucking.

Birthdays

Birthdays need to be celebrated. I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion or a victory. Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone ‘thank you for being you’. Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say ‘thanks for what you did or said or accomplished’ no, we say ‘thank you for being born and being among us’.

On birthdays we celebrate the present. This is the day that God has made for us to be and to be together.

We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen but we lift someone up and let everyone say ‘we love you’. Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness and affection.
Consequently, a birthday party or function is an occasion to let everyone be a part of your happy moments. In this hi-tech era, we hardly have any time to relax and enjoy the company of family and friends. It is a time to be with your near and dear ones once again. Birthday is a time to celebrate a child’s presence in your life. In short, every birthday is a great occasion. It is an occasion to thank God for his wonderful graces; life is a gift from God. Therefore, we should thank Him for this gift. We should also thank him for His loving protection. Moreover, it is an opportunity to thank all those who love you.

I’m of the mindset that as far as birthdays go, bigger IS better. By bigger, I mean those huge expensive birthday celebrations that include all of my kids’ friends and my friends and their kids at my house climbing rock walls, sliding on portable water slide bounce houses, eating, four birthday cakes, and more eating. There is never a lack of food nor a chocolate fountain. Since I combine parties for all 7 kids (one big party in spring and another one in fall) I can justify spending over $500 on a party. Why would I put myself through this twice a year? Because in Vietnamese culture birthdays are not important, unless it’s the 1 month birthday of a child. I make it a point to celebrate my children’s birthdays every year and my kids seem to enjoy these lavish affairs. Maybe I do too, though I beg not to celebrate my own. All the hoopla makes me anxious. I’ve given a lot more thought to the significance of birthdays lately because I’m starting to feel my age and see how fast time slips by.

Yes, there is a lot of prep work and clean up but it’s worth it to see the smiles and to feel the excitement building up to the big day. This year’s birthday party is scheduled to be over eight hours long just because that’s how the rock wall and water slide worked out. This is not to mention all of the uncles and aunties coming from out of town to help celebrate. Of course, it’s also turned into an adult party with wine, beer, mixed drinks, and wedding videos. I can’t wait! I think the adults are more excited than the kids this year.

I’m sure they’ll be a few hairy moments and “Mom, he did…” “Mom, Jaden hit me….” or “Mom, I need help….” Maybe I’ll just have a few cocktails and take a nap and let my husband be mom and dad for the day.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom,

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "everyone is equal in this world." That not one person is better than another. That we are all human and that we all make mistakes.
Mom, thank you for teaching me to "never go to bed angry at someone." That there is always tomorrow to discuss it over and come to some kind of agreement. To kiss and love the person anyway because we never know when they will be taken from us.
Mom, thank you for teaching me that "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." That you should be kind and soft spoken instead of using harsh words. That anger just makes things worse.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all." That it is much better to remain silent than to say something that you will regret later on and cannot take back.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "patience is a virtue." That in this world you will need to wait sometimes and that instant gratification just makes your heart want more.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "good things come to those who must wait." That if it is meant to be it will happen. That if it is not meant to be than there is a reason even though we do not know why. That someday we will understand when the time is right.

Mom, thank you for teaching me to "treat others as you would like to be treated." That "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" will open your eyes to how they must feel.

I honor you, Mom, with my love and gratitude because of these things that you have taught me in life. I will never forget them. Because of you, Mom, I have become a person who tries to be nonjudgmental, kind, patient, fair, loving and compassionate. I only hope that I can pass these same characteristics down to my children, so that they will be as proud of me as I am of you.

May the good Lord continue to bless you with good health and many many more wonderful years to come. I Love You, Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

RIP Edward Kate Nelson

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it and so must our children; if we are to help them, we must let them know it’s okay to talk about it.

By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help.

What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.

We had a death in the family yesterday.

Edward Kate Nelson passed leaving behind her friend Bill. The female guinea pig with a boy name was entrusted to us by Megan who needed to find a good home for her before she went off to grad school. But I failed in my charge to care for the pigs.

It was a sad day for all of us. Curt and Angelina were especially sensitive; Curt, the man who didn’t want the pigs in the first place. Angelina loves all animals but treats them like stuff animals and is sometimes too rough on them. She was bitten twice by Edward, who was protesting against the hugging. Though she was offended that Edward bit her, she still said she was her favorite.

Edward’s service was officiated by Curt with all family members present, including the neighbor kid. She is survived by Bill Nelson. She was buried with some parsley, her favorite treat, and will be missed by all.

Angelina cried in Kimberly’s arms and mine and told me she had prayed asking God to not let any other animals die in our house unless they’re old or really sick.

It’s been generalized that many of us are inclined not to talk about things that upset us, especially death. We try to put a lid on our feelings and hope that saying nothing will be for the best. But not talking about something doesn’t mean we aren’t communicating. Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say.

I was inclined to tell Angelina, “She’s in a better place… “ because I sometimes think she’s too young to really understand death and dying but she always surprises me with her insight. She was two when her great grandma died and still talks about it now and then with me; simply saying, “I miss ba co.” Edward’s death shook her up now that she’s a little older and understands death a little more. Death will never be easy and it produces many tears but if we can have dogs in heaven, couldn’t we have pigs too?

Mother-land

“A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.”
“A good mother is someone whose child wants to follow her.”

Quoted from Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. This quote stuck with me. It really stuck.

Would my kids want to follow me? I have to look long and hard at myself to honestly answer that question.

Am I a good mother?

By whose standards am I trying to answer this question? I think this band of women called mothers is sometimes no band at all. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think this band is a group of our worst enemies. And it all comes down to comparisons.

Why do we compare our job performance when it comes to mothering? And by what standard do we use to measure this? It seems like Mother-land would be a much better place if women around the cul-de-sac reached out to support, lift up and love each other as women and as fellow mothers and not to compare ourselves and our children with each other to the extent that we do.

Comparisons – they are everywhere.

On the playground … your child can cross the monkey bars; mine cannot.

In our neighborhood … my child can ride a bike; yours cannot.

In our school … so and so’s child is in the top reading group; why isn’t mine?

At church … that child is sitting quietly while mine is misbehaving.

In the grocery store … I have sugar cereal in my basket; she’s got bunny shaped bran flakes.

In restaurants … tantrum deluxe vs. sitting and eating appropriately.

We have all been on both sides of the fence. In one situation our child acts like a perfect angel and in another, ours is the one that we want to deny is our child. I am very guilty of this, but when I sit and think about the purpose it serves to constantly compare what we’re doing vs. what our neighbor is doing vs. how my kids behave vs. how her kids behave, really, who cares? We are all in this together. We are all trying our very best to raise independent, competent, real, loving human beings and does it really matter what everybody else is doing? If they jumped off the proverbial parenting bridge, would I?

So am I a good mother?

Would my children want to follow me?
My answer is…I’m a work in progress.

But I can tell you this. The next time I get on the comparison merry-go-round, I’m going to get off and hope I have some little feet behind me.