Ex

Friendship is so many things to so many people and can be different for everyone and in every relationship. As we get older, good friendships are harder to find, but, for this reason, I think it is even more important to cherish and celebrate them. I'm fortunate to have many great friends -- both old and new. With every hardship I've had to face in life, I've been fortunate enough to have friends by my side, journeying with me down the winding, curving roads of life's highs and lows. The past few years have been filled with change and transformation for me and I couldn't be more grateful for those who have been beside me, supporting me -- for those who have been my friends. Below is the E-mail (with modifications since I wrote it out of anger) I had sent to three girl friends and retold it to a fourth. All four had differing input, advice, and prayer which is why “you are the flowers” in my life. Thanks for the advice and laughs ladies!

"Last night, after work, I went to work out and then stopped in to watch the last 1/2 hour of Jonathan's game. When I got to the field, I see Brandi, Christen, and Curt all sitting together. Like one happy family. So, when we got home he starts talking about that. Says that he was sitting there with Christen (because he picked her up from her track meet) and when Brandi got there she just sat herself down on the other side of Christen. Says he was uncomfortable so he moved over. I said, "Why didn't you move to another row?"

So this is why I'm ticked. He may have moved over but there was NO gap between him and Christen except enough room for a bag of sunflower seeds! There was more gap between him and the woman next to him than him and Christen! How do I know this? Because when I got there I stepped in between him and the other woman to climb to the next row of seats!

I'm also mad/sad/disappointed because this is not the first time. Another time was at another game a month or so ago. We got to the baseball game. I sat in the car reading since it hadn't started yet. He sets up two of our lawn chairs. She comes over and starts chatting since she didn't see me. Asks if she could sit in one of those chairs and he says yes! But he did tell her I’d be there soon. After that time we had a talk about that and I told him straight out that I don't appreciate her sitting in my chair and what it looks like is that they're the couple. I wasn't mad really the first time because after a bit he realized how it looked and got up and stood behind his chair instead. But he knew how I felt about it and says it won't happen again.

Well, last night it happened again! I told him she shows NO respect for our marriage because this stuff keeps happening. And his actions, by not moving to another row, says the same thing. I told him that he's never said "call me before you get here" when he's asked me if I'm coming to a game. So here I am showing up at a game and see this? What am I to think? So if this stuff happens when you don't know if I'm coming or not, then what else happens when I don't come? What else don't I see?

I'm disappointed because he doesn't get it! He doesn't get why I'm hurt. Says that he's never "cheated" etc why would I even think that? It's NOT what I think. It's what I see that bothers me! And to me, actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see to get it.

None of this would be a big deal if she comes over and sits down when I'm there or talks to him when I'm there. She only does this when she doesn't see me around.

And he seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" just makes it all better. I told him last night, instead of hindsight being 20/20 and apologizing afterward, why don't you think about your actions and change it instead? Saying I'm sorry this time does NOT make it better!! I reminded him that he's always talked about people's perception and how important that is. Well, to strangers last night, the perception is that they're the couple there watching their son play baseball and their other daughter is sitting between them! That perception only changed when I showed up! I also told him that it is his responsibility to make sure that I'm secure in this relationship. That's his duty as my husband! If I'm getting the wrong perceptions then it's his responsibility to change that because if I'm seeing something that is not really there, what are other people seeing? And these people don't have any intimate knowledge of who we all are!

I understand they will always need to communicate because of the kids. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with the lack of respect for our marriage relationship. Just because she's the mother of his children does NOT give her permission to be disrespectful!

Miesha said, “The one good thing is that he felt uncomfortable with her doing that, that’s a good sign, even if he didn’t handle it the best way. He’s a guy and they are clueless. You may have to go through some mock “what do you do in this scenario” things with him so he gets it. The next time she pulls that, he should tell her, you know Brandi, I noticed that you only come around and hang out like this when my wife is not around and that’s not ok with me because it makes me feel like you’re disrespecting her and our relationship. She will be shocked and it will stop or she will go off on him, either way she will be shut down and know her place.”

Briana said, “OMG… I would be pissed too. And probably more than that, I’d feel hurt. You are completely justified in your feelings. She’s a nut. Why all the drama all the time??? You should just duke it out on Jerry Springer and be done with it once and for all!”

Jen said, “Lord, I pray that you give Ami the strength and patience to endure these circumstances that arise between Curt and his ex wife. Let her trust that you know best and will always be there for her. And I pray Father that you help Curt realize that his actions are harmful and disrespectful to his wife and that he becomes a better steward of their relationship even when he is not in her presence. In Jesus name, Amen.”

Danette said, “So, did you just show up without calling?” Of course I did!

Since the E-mail, Curt has talked to his ex about the situation and asked that she never do that again. And as Miesha predicted, she went ballistic, started calling him names, made accusations, and was all dramatic with tears. I’ve also updated my girl friends and laughed out loud at their responses.

Curt and I have also talked and have kissed and made up; with him realizing I am right. I love it when I am right!

A Stepmother's Prayer

Lord, help me to be a good stepmother… give me the patience of a saint, the strength of an ox, and the skin of a rhinoceros.

Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.

Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.

Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.

Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.

Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.

Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.

Siblings

The relationship between brothers and sisters can be quite amazing. My brother (Kiki) and I are 11 months apart (to the day) and were inseparable for a long time. We have a relationship that is more like being twins rather than older sister and younger brother.

When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.

During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.

As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.

I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.

What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”

Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”

Jesus was from a blended family

There are days during my marriage when I wonder if our house will ever feel like a warm, loving home. I feel a dark cloud hanging over Curt and me. Just when I thought we were making progress in an area of our marriage or in relationships within our family, something would break loose and hit us blindside.

Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.

I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”

Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?

These are a few of the dark areas in our family:

No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own

Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..

Grad School

I’ve been accepted to Sacramento State for Grad School starting Fall 2010; it’s a two year Education program. When I told friends and family, I got mixed reactions ranging from, “Are you crazy?” “Congrats! I think you’re amazing to tackle grad school and the Brady bunch.” “Master Ami.” And, “I’ll be praying for you.”

It’s been one of my goals to someday earn my PhD and this is the first step towards that goal. But unlike my undergraduate education, my graduate work will be in my field of work, delving narrower and deeper into my chosen profession. I’m also told I will have a much closer relationship with my professors, which means no “getting by” because they’ll expect more from me as well. Grad school will also allow me to immerse myself in what I am really passionate about, which are undergraduate students at the University. And aside from gaining an advantage over others in my career, more education means more money. More money is always good!

The benefits of an advanced degree are numerous, and so are the reasons for earning one, however I do have to wonder, “Am I crazy for taking one more thing on?” I guess the answer would be “Yes!” if I weren’t learning to say “no.” I’ve informed the Children Pastor at our church that come September I’ll have to take a step back. I’m contemplating my resignation as Secretary of the soccer board. I’m learning to walk away at 4pm and not take work home. I’m going to try harder to find a replacement for myself on the PTA board. And I’ve asked my husband to “step it up a notch” come September. These are baby steps in reaching my goal.

Questions that were asked of me during my decision process were, “Can you juggle multiple tasks, projects, and papers at once?” And, “Can you manage time effectively?” I think I’ve already experimented, tested, and lived out my findings in these areas, I just need a degree that tells me I’ve mastered it.

I'm just like my mom!

The other evening I was having a typical struggle with my six year old daughter over whether or not she could wear a particular outfit when it happened. I opened my mouth, intending to say one thing, and the words of my mother popped out instead! When did I start sounding just like mom?

I’m sure many moms can relate! How many times have you told yourself “If I’m ever a mother, I’ll never do _____________ like my mom…”. And one of the most painful things for a woman to hear is the casually tossed “You’re just like your mother…”

I’ve been thinking about the mom/daughter relationship a lot lately because my daughter is sounding more and more like me. “Will she grow up to be like me?” I wonder? “And, if she does, is that a good thing?”

There’s one thing that I’m certain about: my relationship with my mom shapes and molds my personality. Maybe it prompts me to strive for the same qualities, it might hold me back from my true potential, or perhaps it pushes me to achieve something more than my mom was ever able to reach.

“Did I grow up to be just like my mom?”

1. What one personality trait of my mom had the most influence on my life? For example, my mom taught me loyalty to family. I would often hear her complain about my grandparents’ demand for her time, her siblings’ indecisiveness and poor decisions. But through it all, she’ll go out of her way to take care of everyone in the family, even her grown children.

2. What one lesson has my mom taught me that has carried with me over the years? My mom instilled a love of learning that I will be grateful for the rest of my life. She showed me, through her own life that you’re never too old to go to school and learn. At 31, she immigrated to the US, learned English, went to college, and found a career that she is passionate about.

While I never did inherit my mom’s creative skills, I hope that I can use her “never say never” attitude to enhance my life, and pass on her thirst for excellence to my own children in whatever they become interested in.

So, did I grow up to be just like my mom? Who cares! The more important question is: have the qualities my mom shared and the lessons I’ve learned helped me to make my own way in the world? As I look back at our relationship and all of the lessons I’ve learned from my mom, I thank God for the chance to use those lessons to develop the traits and ideals I want to pass to my children.

Girlfriends

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.

In reading this, I came to the realization that the longest relationship I have with one of my girlfriend goes back to 25+ years. That’s longer than any marriage I’ve been in! She and her family had a hand in shaping me into the person I am today.

My other girlfriend has been at the end of many frantic and frustrated E-mails about exes. She’s always been good at letting me vent and just ramble on and on, on E-mail, even when it didn’t make sense and I didn’t feel like proofreading or using spell check. She knows me well enough to decipher my messages.

Another comforted me when I was faced with one of the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life and was the first person at the hospital to help me welcome Beans into the world.

Yet another took my call at midnight and talked with me until 3am. She had to make sure I was OK first before she would allow me to hang up.

Other friends have been the nannies I needed when I was raising three kids alone. In return, I just had to feed them. They also taught me to cook for an army, or in this case, some very hungry college students.

Another friend has been my sounding board and is my constant reminder of what the Bible says is right. Sometimes, I don’t really want to talk to her but I do appreciate her sending me, “God Breathes on Blended Families” and adding me to her prayer list.

A few even allowed for a very inebriated New Year and held my hair as I clung to the toilet bowl, knowing all too well that reliving the past isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Recently, they’ve been there during my difficult days as a mom, step-mom, wife, ex-wife, etc. They’ve allowed me to vent, cuss, and cry all the while acknowledging what I’m saying and occasionally make a joke out of the situation, putting it all in perspective for me. They’ve also allowed me the “WTF am I going to do in counseling with my ex husband’s wife?!”

They’ve been my sisters in good and bad times and we’ve waned in and out of various stages of our relationship, but through the years, I’ve found these things to be true of my friends:

1. They’ve given feedback (criticism) gently but truthfully.
2. They’ve accepted my flaw du jour. (“Am I just being a bitch?!”)
3. They’ve been physically present during crisis and traumas.
4. They’ve listened--even when totally sick of hearing me ramble for the umpteenth time about "nothing."
5. They laughed at me and with me; and have taught me to find humor in my chronic faux pas and ludicrous situations.
6. They shared my struggles.
7. They supported my wild hairs (tangents) until I figured out my own truth. ("A 'born-again virgin'? Makes sense to me.")
8. And the most important reason for our lasting friendships: LIE. (Once in awhile you just have to say "I think you look great in your favorite leopard tights." Finger crossing is allowed!)