Leadership

The leadership process is a total learning process. We all are leaders in our own way at different times in our lives. For example a father or mother with children, their children look to them for guidance. They also learn their values and about their culture through them. That is having leadership abilities. Friends look to each other for advice and different experiences that each of them have done. Some people perform leadership acts on the daily basis and don’t even realize it until they think about it or until someone brings it to their attention. That’s why it’s said that a part of learning about leadership is to always think about it.

In my personal life I’ve abused the power of my leadership position. Due to financial stress, no job stress, work stress, etc. I did not give my children and step-children guidance, love, and acceptance but rather, I ruled with an iron hand and it was my way or no way. I abused my position in the home because I could and now the effects are almost irreversible. As a leader, I also know it’s not time to give up, I have to keep fighting the good fight and for what is right. As a good leader I also need to know when to give in, when it’s no longer about the fight but is now about me.

In my opinion it is ironic that I am in a leadership program when in my personal life I have not been a good leader recently. Through my class discussions, personality quizzes, and various books I’ve read I have managed to figure out what kind of leader I am and what personality traits come into play when I’m in a leadership role, however, I have not yet figured out how to be a good leader through being a visionary or motivating people. This is because I usually don’t share my vision; I have a vision in my head but do not communicate it or communicate it well and trust that my followers will follow. I tend to keep it close to my heart and set out to accomplish the tasks myself to fulfill the vision. The road ahead will be long and arduous, filled with learning, but it’s a road worth traversing on.

Twelve Years Ago....

Twelve years ago I graduated from college and put away my backpack along with my diaries, senior paper, and my high school memory book that my mother had lovingly put together for me. A few nights ago I pulled out my backpack to get it ready for August 19, first night of school for the next few years, and found those items I had long packed away and had forgotten about. Looking at the memory book brought back many fond memories of times gone by, shared with many friends who have long moved on and many who I still share a deep and binding friendship that spans over 25 years.

Twelve years ago I didn’t imagine myself where I am today nor foresaw all of the people who have come in and out of my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will bring the relationship to an end. In my 37 years, I’ve had various people who’ve come into my life for a reason; many I can see their face in my mind's eye but can’t recall their names. However, some do have lasting impact. Steve, my boss at Green Mill gave me my second son’s name. I am reminded of his impact on my life every time I’m asked where I got Jaden’s name. Connie, my ex step-mom taught me how to make a killer lasagna with cottage cheese instead of ricotta. Derek protected me when I needed it the most in high school. And Patrick taught me to love oven fired gourmet pizza and the value of hard work. Then over time they faded out of my life because the need has been met, the desire fulfilled, and their work is done. The prayer I sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Again, I have had the privilege of experiencing the season with some treasured friends. I moved to California during this season. Angelina came to be during this season. The many hands that helped me raise my children appeared during this time in my life. What I had thought was the darkest time of my life at the time, turned out to be more of a gift than I could ever repay. Upon reflection, I see how I also impacted the lives of many Kats; they were college students who needed someone to be on their side and fight for them, they needed a mother and a friend who would feed and listen to them without the nagging that they would get from their real mother.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. I am fortunate to say that I can count my lifetime relationship on both hands. I have friends I keep in touch with on a daily basis because I feel that a critical part of me is empty until I hear from them. They know what I’m thinking or wanting to say even before I say it. They understand and accept my teasing and can dish it right back without offending or being offended. A few others, I chat with every few months, but we always pick up where we left off. The comfort of that kind of relationship is amazing beyond words. These are also the friends I know who will be there with me til the end; ones who will comfort me and just let me cry; ones who will laugh at my ghetto stories and share their own; ones that will allow me to be myself and not judge. I have no doubt that these are the friends who will share the pains of child birth, child rearing, and rejoice with me in my children’s milestones as well as shed tears of joy and pain with me for many more years to come.

As I enter this new phase of my life, I am comforted in knowing that I have many friends encouraging me along the way and who will be there to congratulate me when I am Master Ami. Through my blogging, since we live in an electronic age, I’m hoping to leave my children with a legacy of many friends who will journey with them through the phases of their lives because friendships double their joys and divide their sorrows.

God's Voice

My commute times and shower times are the times I allow myself the luxury of thinking, analyzing, and communicating with God. They may not be the ideal settings, but it is a routine that has worked for me. Many more times than not I hear him. No, He doesn’t appear in a burning bush nor is He a booming voice from Heaven. I hear His words in my head; the quite, yet firm and gentle voice that all too often I mistake for my own conscience. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know who it is.

An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.

This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.

That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.

But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.

God bless us everyone!

I recently wrote about my alone time and how much enjoyed it. However, today I spent the day with my sister-in-law’s husband’s family; the loud black family as they are lovingly referred to. There were sisters, brothers, mothers, aunts, uncles, husbands, nieces, nephews,friends, boyfriends, etc. These folks have grown up and grown old together; people who have gone through major life milestones such as marriages, births, divorces, and deaths together.

At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.

At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”

Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?

• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.

• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.

• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.

• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.

• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)

• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.

• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.

• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.

• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.

• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.

• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.

• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.

• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.

• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.

Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.

Pets, pets, and MORE pets!

Over the weekend, I spent some time with a friend and her daughters and by the time I left their house, I had inherited a hamster! A white looking RAT!!!! Our house now has 7 kids, two dogs, and a hamster! I don’t know what I was thinking! The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m getting soft in my old age. Most of the kids have this love for animals and I think that as I realize how fast they’re all growing up and how they all need or want the experience of pets, I’m starting to cave. All those who know me are VERY surprised by this “new” me!

The rules with pets, Maci and Choe (the dogs) sleep in our room, they’re not allowed on furniture, and not allowed upstairs. The rule for the hamster, name Rosie, is that she’s only allowed to roam the house in her ball and her cage stays in the laundry room.

I found information on line that supports my “caving in” to animals in the house so I’m going to stick with it and try to convince myself that this is a good thing and it’s healthy for the kids to have pets. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “Pets are part of many childrens' lives. Parental involvement, open discussion, and planning are necessary to help make pet ownership a positive experience for everyone. A child who learns to care for an animal, and treat it kindly and patiently, may get invaluable training in learning to treat people the same way."

It goes on to cite the advantages of pet ownership such as children raised with pets develop positive feelings about pets which can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.

Pets can serve different purposes for children:
• They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
• They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
• They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
• They provide a connection to nature.
• They can teach respect for other living things.

Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
• Physical activity
• Comfort contact
• Love, loyalty, and affection
• Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.

Alone Time

When was the last time you were alone? I mean REALLY alone?

Before this last week, I can honestly say it’s been seven years.

There's a saying - if Mom ain't happy, nobody's happy. We know this is true - if a mom is angry, upset, or tired, the whole house is in a frenzy. Moms are, for the most part, in charge of making the house run smoothly. They change diapers, cook meals, help with homework, or just spend "mommy and me" time with their children. They devote so much of themselves to everyone else. They must make sure to be all about themselves for at least thirty minutes each day.

Instead of thirty minutes a day, I recently got a week to myself. I was being deliciously naughty this week, kicked back by the pool getting some sun and reading my book in the middle of the afternoon. I realized that I had not had to answer any questions that started with, “Where is….” You see, days and days go by where I’m pretty sure that my only function in my family is to identify the location of rouge baseball caps, runaway iPods, and, of course, the four phone handsets for the home phone on which no one calls us!

During this week I was able to catch up with phone calls to friends. It’s been a long time since my phone calls have been a priority; not to mention that I’m able to answer the phone rather than let it go to voicemail.

It’s been a week of no “Mommmmmmmmmmmmm where are you?” “Mom can I have …?” “Mom, Jaden won’t let me play with him.” Actually I have not heard the word “mom” all week. I must admit, I miss it. Laying by the pool I can’t help but wonder how my kids would have loved to be here and how much they would have enjoyed the pool and the hot tub, especially Angelina because she doesn’t like being cold.

In my conversations with my friends, I heard their kids in the background and I heard the “frazzle” in their voice. I knew they couldn’t give me a 100% of their attention because their kids needed to be fed, listened to, and catered to. I sat in silence waiting for them to finish with their kids, at the same time feeling a little envious because I don’t have my kids needing me.

This week I found myself talking incessantly about my children. I think I became one of those annoying women who cannot hold a conversation about the World Cup, Lakers vs. Celtics game, or Gulf Coast oil leak. I look out the balcony of my hotel and remember the last time we were here, cruising around the Hawaiin Islands together. I flip through the TV channels and miss the “fight” for the kid channel or mom’s channel.

Moms are extremely busy these days-and that’s just by being a mom! We forget to take time out for just ourselves. However, I found myself on foreign soil because I didn’t have to pick up after children, do the many loads of laundry, worry about their meals, and make sure they go to bed at decent time. I was able to get the “me” time I had so much wanted and needed. I was unproductive and loving it, though I did miss my tribe.

Jaden Faden BoBaden

According to a few birth order books I’ve read, “second-born children are often born into a competitive atmosphere, due to the pressure exerted by the eldest. They tend to adopt behaviors and characteristics that are the exact opposite of the first-born and in some cases exert more a rebellious spirit.” Also, “Second-born children show increases in traits like adventurousness and independence across adolescence.”

I’m one of two kids, and now have three biological children and four step children of my own, so I most definitely know each child dances to a different beat. You’re not supposed to compare. In fact, you’ll likely need to modify your parenting style at times to synch up with your unique offspring. I get that. I just need to remember it and put it to practice to help Jaden build his confidence and to succeed.

Middle children are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. However, I’ve discovered that if I cuddle with Jaden once lights are out, I can get him to talk about everything because physical touch is his love language and he’s also trying to avoid bed time. As a parent, you’ve got be creative!

The middle child may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. Jaden’s closest friend since kinder is Rogelio and he introduces all of his peers as, “My friend….” I’ve often wondered how everyone can be a “friend” to him in five minutes of meeting that person. Now I know. They are people pleasers and have a large social circle. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, are popular amongst friends and peers, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.

To parent the middle child, take the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time. If I’m busy and other kids are demanding my attention and don’t take the time to listen to Jaden, he will plaster a fake smile on his face and quietly withdraw, physically and emotionally.

Jaden and I have started reading the diary I’ve kept for him since I found out I was pregnant with him. I read this to him and he loves it! It was also recommended that he and I journal together; write “love notes” back and forth to each other in his diary and make this “just between us.” And for me to use all of his misspelled words when I respond so I can show him how to spell them correctly without tearing down his self esteem. This will change his, “I can’t” to “I can.”

Allow the middle child to make decisions. I’ve empower Jaden, at times, to choose where we could go to dinner or where we could go to spend some alone time together; this will make him feel special by allowing him to make choices. This will also help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.

I’ve updated the family album and have created a scrapbook just for Jaden. There tend to be a billion photos of Vinh and about half of that for Jaden; I have three full albums of Vinh, two of Jaden, and half of one for Angelina. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.

Not only do I need to be sensitive to the middle child but I also need to consider my step children and their birth order as well because in the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, "blended families don't blend; they collide."