Blended Families

Motherhood

2012-01-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

As the mother of three children and step-mother to four children, I am profoundly moved by the sacred responsibility and gift, which motherhood - has been in my personal life. There have been many times, particularly when my own children were toddlers and babies - that I did not completely understand, the full impact of what motherhood, and its far-reaching influences would and could be, on so many lives.
Recently, I’ve been told by a few women friends who now have babies and toddlers of their own that they’ve watched me over the years as I raise my children and have done a few things that I’ve done with their children; such as teaching the children the actual terms for body parts rather than giving them cute names, such as wee wee. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest impact.

Because I have three of my own, I know the importance of spending quality time with each. I’ve always made a point to spend a day here or there with each child individually. When they were younger, I’d take them out of preschool for the day and we’d have lunch and see a movie together. There were also times when I’d get a sitter for the other children, and take one with me to the grocery store. Even the mundane can be impactful in their lives. Just this last week, I spent the day with my daughter, Angelina, and took her to all of the stores she had gift cards for. She got to have a shopping spree with mom. The best compliment I can receive was from her, “This is the best day ever mama! I didn’t know Mondays could be so much fun!”

I have been tossed to and fro by the winds of adversity as a mother, as well - I have been at the heights of joy. Not too much time existing between these events either. With all of these experiences, I have now come to understand - the privilege and power - of motherhood.

Mother is not only a teacher, but even more - she herself, becomes the humblest of student. Mothers often are found - to be kneeling - at the very feet of a wise Father, who is in Heaven.

I will eternally be indebted to my mother and many mother figures in my life, who have taught well - the sacred nature and responsibility of the role of motherhood. Through the years I’ve come to understand through examples and through scripture the importance of the role of women in that plan - I now know, just how important my life's work has been, and will continue to be - through the gift to all women, of - motherhood.

Stay at home mom....what's it worth?

2011-08-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am leaning towards being a stay-at-home mom. My problem is that I feel that I have to have a young baby to be worthy of staying at home. I have 7 kids but all are in school, the youngest is a third grader. I want to stay at home because as the years fly by I’m realizing more and more I don’t have much time left with any of them. I’m actually learning to stop and smell the roses along the journey.

But whenever I hear anyone talk about being a stay at home mom, the next thing I hear is that they have small children. Are there any parents out there, who came to the realization that they wanted to stay at home for their family but did not have small kids? I feel like if someone ask me what do I do and I tell them that I am a homemaker but I do not have small kids at home, they will say to me that you don't have a child at home during the day, so why are you not working until he comes home? Because for me, I’d make more money being a stay at home mom, if only there was a paycheck involved.

So what's a mom worth?

According to one report, $115,432 a year.

The most recent survey revealed that -- like many others -- Mom's compensation has gone down slightly. The 2011 results indicate that stay-at-home moms earned a base salary of $36,968 plus $78,464 in overtime, bringing her total compensation to $115,432.

Mothers working outside the home earned a "mom" base salary of $39,763 plus $23,709 in overtime totaling $63,472 in addition to the compensation from their day job.
According to this year's survey, the typical stay-at-home mom spends 13.2 hours as a day care center teacher; 3.9 hours as the family's CEO; 7.6 hours as a psychologist; 14.1 hours as a cook; 15.4 as a housekeeper; 6.6 hours doing laundry; 9.5 hours as a computer operator; 10.7 hours as a facilities manager; 7.8 hours as a janitor and 7.8hours as a van driver. Also uncovered was Mom's increased role as family psychologist and facilities manager and diminished role as CEO.

Hmmmm….I need to seriously consider this stay at home gig.

Decorating

2011-07-27T23:24:00.001-07:00

I’ve always been a firm believer that kids’ bedrooms should be organized, have a theme (sports for boys and princess for girls), and are neat and tidy. In the last six months or so I’m finding that I need to learn to walk away and have the mindset of “this is not my room, it's theirs.” This has become my mantra and I also avoid going into their rooms as much as possible.

If you are planning on decorating your child’s bedroom, to avoid fights, hassles and headaches, let them be involved in the planning stage. As parents, we tend to put our likes and dislikes on our children. However, children have minds of their own; they have their own likes and dislikes. We learned this when they were two, and the “terrible two’s” commenced. How could we have forgotten?

I have to remember that although it’s my house, it’s their room. Children spend a lot of time in their rooms and it should reflect their style, not mine. Allow them to use their creativity as an outlet to decorating their own space. This is probably one of the first things they can do that will allow them to be an individual. I still need to guide them, as these decisions are made, to watch budget, safety and growth potential. (By growth potential I mean that if your child decides on a style of window treatment and fabric, make sure that the window treatment being picked at age 8, will grow with them to age 16. So maybe the style of the window treatment is okay, but the fabric needs to be more age neutral.)

Letting my children be a part of the decorating process as well as allowing a poster or two of Justin Beiber to be hung, will not only be adding to the "beauty" of my home, but me and my children will be happier for it.

Understanding this is still a work in process for me; I’m still having a hard time getting rid of my daughter’s high chair even though she’s turning 8 in a few months. It's even harder to get rid of her flower lamp and flower dresser knobs...They grow up so fast.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

2011-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Forming a blended family is more about the journey than reaching a particular destination. Moments of sheer terror may mark parts of the trip, but the process of meeting those challenges together can be more rewarding than any travel brochure could possibly describe.

I’ve realize I'd been so busy focusing on getting to the destination, that I missed the real fun - the journey.

This happens all the time in a remarriage with children. You get remarried and can't wait to have a "family" again. Unfortunately, what frequently happens is that couples are completely blindsided by how things don't go smoothly in this family.

• Everyone isn't excited about being a family.
• People may not even like each other.

This is when everyone starts becoming very disillusioned and begins to think there's something wrong with this family. It's not acting like the previous one you were a part of. Parents start questioning whether they've made a huge mistake by creating this remarriage with children and may even begin thinking re-divorce.

I tell you, wait! Enjoy the journey. Research has shown us time and again that it can take up to 7 years for a remarriage with children to begin to feel comfortable and really function well together. That's a LONG journey in order to get to your destination of "comfortable."

If all you do is focus on what's wrong right now, you miss out on a lot of really cool times. Keep your eyes open for those times when your family life is calm - even if it's for a few moments. Those sightings are what will let you know you're heading in the right direction and aren't lost.

While the journey in a remarriage with children may be long and perilous, there's a rich and satisfying destination for those brave enough to remain on the path. That path is often difficult to navigate and often I’ve felt that I’ve fallen and have no more energy to pick myself up, dust of the dirt, and keep on trucking.

Birthdays

2011-05-27T08:50:00.001-07:00

Birthdays need to be celebrated. I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion or a victory. Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone ‘thank you for being you’. Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say ‘thanks for what you did or said or accomplished’ no, we say ‘thank you for being born and being among us’.

On birthdays we celebrate the present. This is the day that God has made for us to be and to be together.

We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen but we lift someone up and let everyone say ‘we love you’. Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness and affection.
Consequently, a birthday party or function is an occasion to let everyone be a part of your happy moments. In this hi-tech era, we hardly have any time to relax and enjoy the company of family and friends. It is a time to be with your near and dear ones once again. Birthday is a time to celebrate a child’s presence in your life. In short, every birthday is a great occasion. It is an occasion to thank God for his wonderful graces; life is a gift from God. Therefore, we should thank Him for this gift. We should also thank him for His loving protection. Moreover, it is an opportunity to thank all those who love you.

I’m of the mindset that as far as birthdays go, bigger IS better. By bigger, I mean those huge expensive birthday celebrations that include all of my kids’ friends and my friends and their kids at my house climbing rock walls, sliding on portable water slide bounce houses, eating, four birthday cakes, and more eating. There is never a lack of food nor a chocolate fountain. Since I combine parties for all 7 kids (one big party in spring and another one in fall) I can justify spending over $500 on a party. Why would I put myself through this twice a year? Because in Vietnamese culture birthdays are not important, unless it’s the 1 month birthday of a child. I make it a point to celebrate my children’s birthdays every year and my kids seem to enjoy these lavish affairs. Maybe I do too, though I beg not to celebrate my own. All the hoopla makes me anxious. I’ve given a lot more thought to the significance of birthdays lately because I’m starting to feel my age and see how fast time slips by.

Yes, there is a lot of prep work and clean up but it’s worth it to see the smiles and to feel the excitement building up to the big day. This year’s birthday party is scheduled to be over eight hours long just because that’s how the rock wall and water slide worked out. This is not to mention all of the uncles and aunties coming from out of town to help celebrate. Of course, it’s also turned into an adult party with wine, beer, mixed drinks, and wedding videos. I can’t wait! I think the adults are more excited than the kids this year.

I’m sure they’ll be a few hairy moments and “Mom, he did…” “Mom, Jaden hit me….” or “Mom, I need help….” Maybe I’ll just have a few cocktails and take a nap and let my husband be mom and dad for the day.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

Mom,

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "everyone is equal in this world." That not one person is better than another. That we are all human and that we all make mistakes.
Mom, thank you for teaching me to "never go to bed angry at someone." That there is always tomorrow to discuss it over and come to some kind of agreement. To kiss and love the person anyway because we never know when they will be taken from us.
Mom, thank you for teaching me that "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." That you should be kind and soft spoken instead of using harsh words. That anger just makes things worse.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all." That it is much better to remain silent than to say something that you will regret later on and cannot take back.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "patience is a virtue." That in this world you will need to wait sometimes and that instant gratification just makes your heart want more.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that "good things come to those who must wait." That if it is meant to be it will happen. That if it is not meant to be than there is a reason even though we do not know why. That someday we will understand when the time is right.

Mom, thank you for teaching me to "treat others as you would like to be treated." That "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" will open your eyes to how they must feel.

I honor you, Mom, with my love and gratitude because of these things that you have taught me in life. I will never forget them. Because of you, Mom, I have become a person who tries to be nonjudgmental, kind, patient, fair, loving and compassionate. I only hope that I can pass these same characteristics down to my children, so that they will be as proud of me as I am of you.

May the good Lord continue to bless you with good health and many many more wonderful years to come. I Love You, Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

RIP Edward Kate Nelson

2011-04-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it and so must our children; if we are to help them, we must let them know it’s okay to talk about it.

By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help.

What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.

We had a death in the family yesterday.

Edward Kate Nelson passed leaving behind her friend Bill. The female guinea pig with a boy name was entrusted to us by Megan who needed to find a good home for her before she went off to grad school. But I failed in my charge to care for the pigs.

It was a sad day for all of us. Curt and Angelina were especially sensitive; Curt, the man who didn’t want the pigs in the first place. Angelina loves all animals but treats them like stuff animals and is sometimes too rough on them. She was bitten twice by Edward, who was protesting against the hugging. Though she was offended that Edward bit her, she still said she was her favorite.

Edward’s service was officiated by Curt with all family members present, including the neighbor kid. She is survived by Bill Nelson. She was buried with some parsley, her favorite treat, and will be missed by all.

Angelina cried in Kimberly’s arms and mine and told me she had prayed asking God to not let any other animals die in our house unless they’re old or really sick.

It’s been generalized that many of us are inclined not to talk about things that upset us, especially death. We try to put a lid on our feelings and hope that saying nothing will be for the best. But not talking about something doesn’t mean we aren’t communicating. Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say.

I was inclined to tell Angelina, “She’s in a better place… “ because I sometimes think she’s too young to really understand death and dying but she always surprises me with her insight. She was two when her great grandma died and still talks about it now and then with me; simply saying, “I miss ba co.” Edward’s death shook her up now that she’s a little older and understands death a little more. Death will never be easy and it produces many tears but if we can have dogs in heaven, couldn’t we have pigs too?

Mother-land

2011-03-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

“A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.”
“A good mother is someone whose child wants to follow her.”

Quoted from Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. This quote stuck with me. It really stuck.

Would my kids want to follow me? I have to look long and hard at myself to honestly answer that question.

Am I a good mother?

By whose standards am I trying to answer this question? I think this band of women called mothers is sometimes no band at all. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think this band is a group of our worst enemies. And it all comes down to comparisons.

Why do we compare our job performance when it comes to mothering? And by what standard do we use to measure this? It seems like Mother-land would be a much better place if women around the cul-de-sac reached out to support, lift up and love each other as women and as fellow mothers and not to compare ourselves and our children with each other to the extent that we do.

Comparisons – they are everywhere.

On the playground … your child can cross the monkey bars; mine cannot.

In our neighborhood … my child can ride a bike; yours cannot.

In our school … so and so’s child is in the top reading group; why isn’t mine?

At church … that child is sitting quietly while mine is misbehaving.

In the grocery store … I have sugar cereal in my basket; she’s got bunny shaped bran flakes.

In restaurants … tantrum deluxe vs. sitting and eating appropriately.

We have all been on both sides of the fence. In one situation our child acts like a perfect angel and in another, ours is the one that we want to deny is our child. I am very guilty of this, but when I sit and think about the purpose it serves to constantly compare what we’re doing vs. what our neighbor is doing vs. how my kids behave vs. how her kids behave, really, who cares? We are all in this together. We are all trying our very best to raise independent, competent, real, loving human beings and does it really matter what everybody else is doing? If they jumped off the proverbial parenting bridge, would I?

So am I a good mother?

Would my children want to follow me?
My answer is…I’m a work in progress.

But I can tell you this. The next time I get on the comparison merry-go-round, I’m going to get off and hope I have some little feet behind me.

Something is not right

2011-03-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Something is not right, and I felt unsettled. This is not how life is supposed to be. I needed to start over. But what exactly does this mean? Some advised me to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start. I desired a change.

Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder success. Life is like a building; sometimes it needs to be torn down and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut myself off from everyone and everything I believe in and care about just because my life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation needed to fulfill life’s purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.

Here are three things I’ve found to help in my starting over.

1. Identify exactly how to and not to start over

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following helped me determine to what extent I needed and yearned to start over.

Mentally

I wanted to start over mentally. This ranged from changing how I approached only one aspect of my life, to changing my entire mental approach to handling and coping in a step family.

I reminded myself to not allow myself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash my brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.

For example, all I’ve ever known was that exes are not supposed to be friends, not even cordial to each other. That has been portrayed to me in my own life when my father and mother divorced as well as I have seen it amongst my friends’ parents. However, this past year I had to wash my brain of those thoughts and change my way of thinking.

I’ve also had to get rid of negative thinking and taking everything personally. Let me explain: In this last week I’ve had to turn off lights in rooms where no one was in and have had to pick up pajama piles left by Jonathan in the morning as he changes and rush downstairs for breakfast. I said to my hubs last night, “Can you talk to the kids about turning off lights in rooms where no one is in?” That question and the attitude I had behind it brought everything full circle; I was back to the beginning of when all of my troubles started. This morning, as I drove into work and spending time with God I was reminded about my attitude and my negativity. I was reminded to let the little unimportant stuff go because the kids don’t do it to intentionally hurt me nor are they thinking, “We’re not going to listen to her.” In the past I would allow this to eat at me. This morning I heard, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

In the past, when I accepted and internalize information, I was re-structuring a part of how I think. Deep inside, I was not happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I needed to learn and remember my life has purpose, I have great talent waiting to be developed, and am valuable to the world and to God. I need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in my life. I also needed to change how I see myself, my worth, and my strengths as a person. It was critical to rid my negative thoughts. I had to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. I intend to start anew.

Geographically

I felt compelled to start over geographically. While it can be difficult to move, Curt and I both believed that a geographical change was the best solution. It was unconventional and I had to leave because of the pain that I had caused and this was the one way to ease the pain and start healing. I learned that when I faced my pain, I can conquer it as I heal, but when I ran from it, I will usually find it follows me, as it grows in the chase.

Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it was exactly what our lives needs. We had prayed about it, talked about it, and then embraced it. Curt and I seized the opportunity to make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

It was also necessary to start over emotionally.

It was essential to change how I respond to my children, step-children, and husband. I needed to set myself free from destructive patterns of relating and find alternative means of coping.

According to research published in a recent issue of the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, our emotional response to stressful situations could predict our body’s physical reaction to it as well as possible future health problems. Those individuals that tend to become quickly agitated when tackling even insignificantly stressful tasks could be more at risk of inflammation, which over time could lead to inflammatory diseases, such as cardiovascular disease.

Spiritually

I had to start over spiritually. When I thought about starting over spiritually, I listened to my heart, where my spiritual life begins. I also spent a lot of time on my knees. I believe God calls to us, and it was vital I listen and humble myself as Jesus did for us.

It is my belief that there is nothing more important than our engagement in our spiritual evolution, a process of healing and awakening. It is also my belief that to fully embody this we have to live it and express it in how we live, what we say, what we think. Every single choice that we make increases or decreases our development, and never before has the consequences of that ever been greater.

2. Remove the hindrances to starting over

Change the sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Often times people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people. Life is not fair and sometimes it hits us hard. But triumph despite the challenges. I had to change the expectation of fairness, and realize comparing myself to the kids' mom only hindered me. I had to push through the belief of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

Challenge the sense of effort

I did not want to do what it would take, I did not think I had to, but it really was worth it, so I did it anyway. I put forth the effort, and re-define for myself, what my life means to me and to my future generations. Effort is not the amount of energy that something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. This change is much harder than I had imagined but instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, I challenged myself beyond what I envisioned possible.

I also applied this to my life when I got accepted to graduate school. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, seven children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other working professional mothers and wives. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take prevent me from expending the effort it did take. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates my success!

Choose the sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who I allow to influence me. Ignore those who say I can’t, and surround myself with those who believe I can.

I find this sphere of influence concept works particularly well if I am angry, sad, ticked off or heartbroken. If the offending party continues to offend, I flipped them out of my sphere of influence so that I can make room for people that make me feel good. However, I caution that if you absolutely can’t flip someone out of the sphere, make sure you get an extra dose of positive people in the sphere for counter balance! It’s not easy, but I guarantee that surrounding yourself with positive people will have a positive influence.

I’ve also discovered other step family blogs which helps when I think I’m the only one in the world of step families with troubles. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same things I have and have found positive ways to cope with stress.

3. Just do it!

I can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keeping eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. I know what is required for a better me.

Today, I am starting over. A new chapter has demanded itself into fruition. The turn of the revolving doors has sent me in a new direction. I have stepped out of the thick brush and back onto my path. The “refresh” button has been pushed, my passion has been restored. If “Amazing Grace” has ever spoken to me before, today I am ready to listen.

Boys Can Cook Too

2011-03-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

There was a time when a girls place was considered to be in the kitchen and a boys place anywhere else, as long as it was as far from the kitchen as possible. But times have changed. Not only do young men need to know how to provide for themselves on a budget, many of them also enjoy cooking. Boys need to learn to cook so that they can be self-sufficient and capable of feeding themselves – no excuses. Plus, think how happy his future significant other will be to find out that he is a good cook. Unfortunately, many still believe that cooking is for women. How silly is that, since many of the best chefs are men.

When my boys are at their dad’s house he feeds them hot dogs with ramen noodles, scramble eggs and toast, or microwave meals. YUCK! So, my oldest has asked that I teach him how to cook so he can cook for his dad and brother when he’s there. Ever since he learned the finer points of the food pyramid, I think he’s concerned about keeping his girlish figure.

My kids like to help at a very young age, but I’ve often chased them from the kitchen believing their “help” will be more work for me. What I should have done instead is take the necessary precautions, teach them the rules of the kitchen, teach them to clean up after themselves, and supervise them constantly. Teaching children from a young age builds confidence. It also encourages them to try new things.

In addition to spending time with my boys and doing something I love, it is wonderful to watch them take so much pride in their cooking and manage to have fun in the process. This past weekend I taught Jonathan and Vinh how to make fettuccini alfredo, corn, and chocolate brownies and cake for dessert. The meal was a big hit!

Once boys thought they had no need for cooking skills. After all, they would grow up and marry a wife who would cook wonderful meals for them. There is no longer any guarantee that this will happen. With changing social patterns many young men remain single. If they don’t cook their own meal, no one else will do it for them. In these circumstances, boys who have been taught to cook while young have a definite financial and nutritional advantage when it comes to feeding themselves.

Even if young men do marry, there is no guarantee they will automatically be fed by loving wives. These days most marriages are partnerships, with both partners sharing responsibilities. These shared responsibilities should also include cooking a basic meal. Money goes a lot further when both partners are able to take their turn cooking simple, nutritious meals.

Boys will fare much better in their independent lives away from home if they can cook. By starting with simple tasks, such as boiling water and making toast, under parental guidance boys become comfortable in the kitchen. As they grow older they become more independent in the kitchen and learn to look after themselves. Mine have learned the art off “cooking” waffles in the toaster since the age of 3 so they wouldn't go hungry since I don't "do" breakfast.

It is my role to see that this independent confidence happens. When my sons leave home for the first time, I will have taught them to cook and will feel more relaxed, knowing that these boys have grown into young men who are at ease in the kitchen and who know how to make a meal other than hot dogs and ramen. I will know that I have given my sons skills that will enable them to survive both financially and socially in their new independent lives.

Stay in touch

2011-03-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

In the last five years or so I’ve been notoriously bad at keeping in touch. It's not that I don't think of people, and it's not even that I don't think of getting in touch. It’s that there’s something that’s got to give and for me that has been hour long phone calls amongst a few other things.

Sometimes we get annoyed when we have a friend who never initiates an invitation or a phone call. Danielle, I’m reminded of you :) If it bothers you to always do the calling, but you truly value this friendship, maybe it’s time to forget about protocol. I have friends who I’ve known for 20 years and we always pick up where we left off when we see each other again but we can go for years without as much as a phone call. Again, Danielle, that’s you! *lol* Just because you’re the one who always calls does not necessarily mean that the friendship is one-sided. I have friends who are always so glad I called, or sent a birthday card, or wrote, but they rarely ever reciprocate. I do all the staying in touch. It’s not something I fully understand, except to say it’s the way these people are wired. I rarely worry that these girls aren't interested in a friendship with me. I honestly feel that I'd pick up on a vibe if that were indeed the case. Is that ballsy? Am I being a little too overconfident? Well, maybe, but I do think most of us can tell the difference between a friend who isn't good at keeping in touch, and a friend who wants us out of her life.

Think about it; perhaps there is someone who calls, emails, or generally seeks you out more than you do them. How does it make you feel when they call? You enjoy hearing from them, right? I love it!

You may think you’ll have time to stay in touch, and just as you’re about to reach out, your child (or children) needs help with a problem or your husband needs to vent about a work situation. You forget to call your friend during the time she was on your mind and just like that, weeks have passed. Don’t feel guilty! Our girlfriends understand that it’s important to put the needs of our family first. But don’t let this go on perpetually.

Why not contact someone, who you call friend, this week? Go through your address book and call.

I need to call Jen about her reduction and to catch up on gossip from Minnesota, Sheri since she just had a new baby, Michelle to update her on my life and to get her update, Megan to get the scoop on the new/old bf, Beth to check up on her, Twila to get news about my nephew and nieces, Lisa to wish her a Happy Birthday, Charel to ask how I can pray for her family, Danette because she needs to talk to me, and Shirleen to catch up since we’ve been playing phone tag for a month now! And that’s only half of my list! I think I’ll rely on Facebook and text for the rest.

Fabulous friendships can die through neglect. Don't allow this to happen to you. With Facebook, Skype, IMs, text, etc. there should be NO reason why I can’t stay in touch with my friends.

To quote from Nike, JUST DO IT!

Mr. B

2011-02-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Braafladt,

It's not particularly hard to identify the most influential teachers in my life as I think about them time and time again, year after year. I had many. But one who stands out above the rest.

I walked into your English class trembling with fear because I had heard rumors about how strict you were from other students and those rumors were confirmed on the first day of school when you asked us to memorize our favorite poems and be prepared to discuss why it was our favorite. I still remember The Road Not Taken 20+ years later.

You were intelligent, thought-provoking, and interesting. You asked us questions that forced us to consider opinions and beliefs outside of ourselves. You helped me recognize a deep appreciation for writing. On a personal level, you began to invest in me as a student and friend. Your commitment to my learning, my confidence, and my overall well-being was a testament to your character.

I will never forget the many hours we spent in the classroom and on the school newspaper but mostly I remember how most of us were dedicated because it meant we could share more time with you. You encouraged me to always expect more from myself, to be honest and compassionate when dealing with others, and to use my gifts and talents to make the world a better place. As a student in your classroom, you showed me the impact one teacher can have. Thank you for being the teacher you are and were -- to students who needed you the most.

Even when I was struggling, you encouraged me. When I was confused, you believed in me. When I wanted to give up, you pushed me harder. In your classroom, I learned how to be a student, how to experience success.

Somewhere in the thousand "warm conversations" that you and I shared, you said something that has helped defined who I am as a person. You encouraged my love for reading and writing and that love never left me-I hope to instill that into my children. Every time I pick up a book I think of the man who made me think beyond my teenage years.

Thank You, Mr. Braafladt, for being one of the most challenging teachers that I ever had the chance to learn from.

Boys will be boys

2011-02-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

Five short years ago my boys were sheltered from toy guns because I saw no need for them to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.

Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My sons loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.

What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my sons would be left out of most neighborhood games. And even if I banned them, the damage was done: They had seen the guns and each wanted one.

I was advised by friends to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, they said, and you'll only make things worse.

So I nervously watched while my innocent children played guns. I research the pros and cons of toy guns and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up. And after days of intense interest, the plastic guns lay forgotten next to the toy box while my sons once again watched the Disney channel.

If only I was to be so lucky.

The same sons are now 10 and 9 (along with their step-brother Jonathan who is 11) enjoy movies that have anything to do with lots of action and shooting the bad guys. They also have a BB guns, pellet guns, Nerf guns, and enjoy shooting targets at Cub Scout camps or down at the creek. One of their most favorite activities is to play war with Nerf guns in the dark. There is so much laughter and screaming it would give any mother a headache! Did I mention that it sounds like a herd of elephants upstairs too?

So no -- I don't have any advice for steering little boys away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.

In the world of hot parenting topics, boys and imaginary gunplay rank at the top. In a culture already filled with violent video games, TV programs, and images of a real war, it can be unnerving to see an innocent child pretending to kill someone. Yet no study has yet linked pretend gunplay to future violent behavior, and most child experts agree that by forbidding gunplay entirely, parents give it far more power and will probably drive it underground.

Assuming you’re willing to take their word for it, what should you do? How can you allow your kids to “experiment” and use their imagination, guns blazing, without losing your cool? Here are a few tips:

• Shaming Is Never Helpful. Despite our potential discomfort, we must be careful in how we deal with boys who want to play with pretend guns. “The last thing you want to do is shame your child – because that leads boys to mask their feelings and act with false bravado” warns William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the gunplay, and even play along to better understand your child’s perspective.

• Clarify Your Values. A child participating in gunplay is usually yearning to understand power in relationships. By killing the “bad guys” he can, in his mind, exert some control over his world.

• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.

• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys play with guns is, in part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."

• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says "If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have experienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games, and books.)

Take a deep breath and realize this is a stage, like any other. It doesn’t mean your child is destined for a life of crime. Curiosity and vulnerability often lie underneath our sons’ “Bang, Bang” bravado. This may be helpful to remember next time there’s a finger pointed in your direction.

Grad School Tips to Keep You Sane

2011-01-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest challenges grad students face is dealing with the number of demands coming at them from different directions: class work, assignments, reading - combine that for some students with working full- or part-time, being married, and raising a family. As a grad student, wife, mother, friend, volunteer, taxi cab driver, daughter, sister, neighbor, etc. I’ve found that I’ve needed to set priorities and needed to relax in other areas like having a completely clean house. I’ve also reduced my cooking down to 3 or 4 days a week, the rest of the week are for left overs, frozen pizza, and popcorn chicken.

Keep healthy: While in grad school, it is essential that you take care of yourself physically, emotional and mentally; I recommend massages. Assess your energy level. If you are not getting enough sleep then you will not be able to retain as much information; I go to bed by 11. Graduate school faculty and administrators recommend that you try to keep some balance in your life while doing your graduate studies. Keep your perspective by getting enough rest, exercise, and eating a healthy diet; all easier said than done!

Schedule family time: Manage your time wisely because it will determine your success or failure. Some students find it helpful to schedule a regularly occurring date with their family and keep it no matter what; I plan time with husband around business trips. Be honest with your children and spouse about the amount of time you have available to them; this sometimes require you to drop what you’re doing to play a game of HORSE or to cuddle. Answering their questions and taking time to explain the situation can go a long way.

Get to know people: Make friends with the other students in your classes - these people are facing the same challenges you are. Create a support system among your classmates (Facebook is an awesome tool). You will find the reassurance, reminders and interaction that you get from the other students to be invaluable. The ability to establish good working relationships with your fellow students and faculty are also important. Every single person in your class is a potential contact in your field. You will need these contacts later as your career and experience develop.

Be organized: In graduate school, you are expected to attend classes. If you miss even one, you'll have a huge amount of work to catch up on. Plenty of learning in graduate studies comes from experiences rather than what you learn in class and read in your texts. But still be prepared to do considerably more reading and research than your undergrad experience. Learn to be organized. Have time and task management systems prepared ahead of time. Get a daytimer (since this is almost obsolete, most of us now use our smart phones), calendar or PDA that allows you to plug in deadlines, group meetings, family obligations, volunteer work, or mentoring/tutoring time. I have my calendar on my phone, at my desk at work, and at my desk at home. I know, I’ve been told I’m an obsessive compulsive.

Approach your studies with the right attitude: Think of graduate school as a job, rather than school. Take initiative in advancing your own skills and learning, much like in a job. Be prepared for more work and less fun than your undergrad years, but the learning will be more fulfilling. The main difference between graduate studies and undergrad is that you will actually apply what you've been learning in many different ways throughout the classes. If I'm honest, I must confess that I hope it brings in the prestige and big bucks!

As grad students we face many pressures. There are even more demands on time for those students with families and jobs. Reading, group meetings, and expectations of faculty are just a few of the pressures. Staying focused and being persistent are important skills needed to be successful in graduate school. We already have the intelligence and initiative.

Resolve to Laugh More in 2011

2011-01-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

Research shows that laughter, the physiological response to humor, has a beneficial impact on one’s health. A good belly laugh leads to muscle relaxation, resulting in decreased tension. Humor also reduces the levels of stress hormones found in the blood — stress hormones can weaken the immune system, leading to increased potential for illness. To top it off, studies have shown that watching a 60-minute comedy can sufficiently increase immunoglobulin A, which protects against upper respiratory problems and increases the number of natural killer cells that seek out and destroy tumor cells in the body. Laughter has also been associated with pain reduction. It is theorized that this is due to the production of endorphins, the body’s natural pain killer, coupled with muscle relaxation.

In 2011, I have resolve to try and look at life’s frustrating and stressful situations with an eye for how I can re-frame and see the humor in the situation. With introspection, I realize that most of the time, I keep telling myself, “Let her (my7years old who dresses like Punky Brewster-Google and have yourself a good laugh) wear what she wants, someday, you’ll look back on this laugh.” One day I’ll look through these pictures of the many phases of Angelina’s attire and smile at the fond memories. Though, for the most part she’s a “mini me”, I find that I no longer have any say when it comes to her attire; she has her own sense of style and no one can teach her differently, though Christen and I have tirelessly and patiently tried. I picture myself someday telling these stories to my friends, family, and grandchildren, throw in a few added embellishments, and I can give myself and those around me more to laugh about.

So, if you’re not naturally funny, how can you go about adding fun, laughter, and happiness into your life? These health tips can help you develop your sense of humor!

• Hang funny cartoons or pictures where they will be a constant visual cue to smile (on the refrigerator, over your work desk, next to your bed).
• Find a good joke book at your library or bookstore, or search for jokes on the Internet. Learn one or two good ones and practice them on your friends. Schedule a joke night with family where everyone must tell a joke at dinner.
• Rent some funny movies.
• Try to see the humor in your own situation as much as possible.
• Laugh at yourself!

By the way, a doctor was reviewing his patient’s test results and called the patient’s wife to tell her of his findings. “Your husband is a very sick man — his cholesterol and blood pressure are very high and his diabetes is out of control. Unless you do what I tell you he will be dead in six months”.

“What should I do?” she asks.

“Remove all stress from his life, keep the house spotlessly clean, cook him three nutritious meals a day and have sex with him whenever he wants.”

The wife hung up the phone and said to her husband: “That was Dr. Smith with your test results.”

“What did he say?”

“He said you’re going to die.”

For my mother

2011-01-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

What is a single mother? Is she a woman with much strength and love or pain and fear? Maybe she's the devil in disguise or perhaps the angel beneath the pain.

Could she be a single woman of much style and grace?

One thing is for certain; no one can understand what a single mother is unless they experience the feeling themselves. A single mother is a woman who is filled with everlasting, unconditional love, and words of wisdom to guide the way through life.

A single mother doesn't receive much credit today for the way she dedicates her life to working long hard hours and making time in her busy schedule to take care of what is hers. She goes through life trying so hard to do her best for her child, yet sometimes she feels as if the world is caving in.

I've had a single mother for thirty years of my life. It wasn't easy. I had to grow up quicker than most kids so that I could help my mother. Thoughts of not having a father became an issue from time to time, but today I wouldn't change it for the world!

When I was a little girl and I fell and scraped my knee; good old mom was there to doctor me up with her tender touch and loving care. She tucked me into bed at night and rubbed my belly when I was sick.

When the time came to cry, my mom had a way of showing me how to take my hanging head and hold it up high and proud. As adulthood moved in and romance became a part of my life, mother was often needed.

I fell in love and he broke my heart. I ran to my mother and poured out all my pain. I couldn't seem to conquer the fear of moving on and tears fell like the rain pouring down on a dark, gloomy day, but mom was always there.

She taught me how to disregard my fears, and she calmed my cries by showing me that life goes on. She told me "You have to accept what has gone wrong, forgive him and yourself and move on."

Some say a mother is one who bears children, one who cooks and cleans and that's all she is here for. For me, she's the soothing of the soul and the healing of the heart.

A mother: a kind-hearted woman with much strength, wisdom, and integrity.

The Power of Prayer

2010-11-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

The power of prayer should not be underestimated. James 5:16-18 declares, "…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” God most definitely listens to prayers, answers prayers, and moves in response to prayers. It is not the result of the person praying. Rather, the power resides in the God who is being prayed to. No matter the person praying, the passion behind the prayer, or the purpose of the prayer - God answers prayers that are in agreement with His will. His answers are not always yes, but are always in our best interest. When we pray passionately and purposefully, according to God's will, God responds powerfully!

We cannot access powerful prayer by using "magic formulas." Our prayers being answered is not based on the eloquence of our prayers. We don't have to use certain words or phrases to get God to answer our prayers. Prayer is communicating with God. God's help through the power of prayer is available for all kinds of requests and issues. Speak to God using your own words.

The Word of God is full of accounts describing the power of prayer in various situations. The power of prayer has overcome enemies (Psalm 6:9-10), conquered death (2 Kings 4:3-36), brought healing (James 5:14-15), and defeated demons (Mark 9:29). God, through prayer, opens eyes, changes hearts, heals wounds, and grants wisdom (James 1:5). The power of prayer should never be underestimated because it draws on the glory and might of the infinitely powerful God of the universe!

Recently, I witnessed the power of prayer in my life. When the only option available to me was separation and divorce, I sought the counsel and prayers of my pastors, members of the church leadership, friends, and colleagues to pray for me and my family. Not only did God hear those prayers, He answered them! I discovered that when my prayers lined up with His plans for me I started seeing the miracles I mentioned in my previous blog. I am grateful for the prayers from many people (as far away as Texas and Minnesota) interceding on my behalf. I know that ALL things are possible in God! And nothing is possible without prayer!

I still pray for God's miracle of healing... I pray for His will and I pray for His peace and I pray for His understanding. My own understanding may not come till I stand face to face with Him one day. It would make it easier now...but there are some things I won't know until I stand face to face with Him.

There are times when I get angry and I question Him. Why? Why now? Why this? Why not my time? But then I feel a gentle nudge and am reminded that nothing is too big for Him. There is nothing that He cannot do. I must trust in that and have faith that I am in His arms every single day. I couldn't face each day if He wasn't there. People keep telling me I’m strong but I know my strength only comes from Him.

Thank you ALL for your continued prayers and encouragement!

My Miracles

2010-11-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Marriage demands the giving of oneself to the other, and there can be no mutual benefit without mutual giving. A part of one's identity is surrendered for the larger identity. Marry to share the good and endure the bad with the one who love. Marriage must involve three persons: God, the husband, and the wife. Enter the marriage relationship fully realizing the lifelong commitment. For marriage to be the joyous relationship that God intended, the husband and wife must never take one another for granted. We must allow the light of love to endure within hearts that are open to a loving Father and His Son. Thoughtfulness, gratitude, and concern for one another must be ever present in a marriage.

God is a God of miracles. The last time I wrote, my marriage was on the verge of divorce and I didn’t know how to “fix” it. I prayed for a miracle and witnessed more than one miracle and found my God again. He restored my marriage and my family. He celebrated our 3rd anniversary with us last night and He will be there as we celebrate our last.

I started with me; restoring my one-on-one relationship between me and the Lord Jesus Christ. As a born-again believer, the success of my relationship with others is in direct correlation with the quality of my personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. When I am out of fellowship with the Lord due to my sin or mental attitudes that are contrary to divine viewpoint, I find that I am out of sorts with myself, first, and that spills over to my relationships with my husband and children. Therefore, restoring my relationship and fellowship with the Lord through agreeing with His viewpoint and resting in the forgiveness that is mine in Christ Jesus was the place I started at.

For the marriage relationship, the Bible has given me a very clear model that is opposite to the world's viewpoint. To restore a marriage relationship once forgiveness has been given and received, applying God's model will begin to bring the two separate parties into a God-honoring union. This requires a choice on the part of both parties.

God ordained the first marriage in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve as He ordained my marriage to Curt. When sin entered because of their disobedience, that perfect union was destroyed just as I let sin almost destroy my marriage and family. There is the human viewpoint that "all are equal." In a way, that is true. We all have equal access to salvation in Christ Jesus but to say that all in the world are equal in human opportunity, abilities or even power is naïve. God had a purpose for placing wives under the authority of their husbands. Because of sin, that rule has been both abused and chaffed under, and the result has brought chaos to the home and family which was what I did to my family by not walking with Him.

God's marriage model works, but it takes commitment on the part of both parties to create a relationship with a balance of each individual's obedience to God and walking in fellowship with the Lord. It does not happen overnight. And, usually, if a marriage relationship has broken down, there are issues that need to be forgiven and put behind in order to move forward, and, again, that takes a choice and a commitment. Walking in forgiveness and fellowship was a wonderful place to start to put the pieces back together again.

Curt, I, and the kids have a long ways to go yet. Nothing is “fixed” overnight. I know that I am a work in progress and will need daily fellowship with God to keep me on the right path. It won’t be easy, but I know He’s with me and the journey is worth it because my marriage and my life is the daily choice I make. I’ve witnessed Him work many miracles in my life and trust that only in Him can my marriage and family be restored.

I found the following the following practical rules to apply to my life on line:

~ Never both be angry at once.
~ Never talk at one another.
~ Never yell at one another, unless the house is on fire.
~ Let each one strive to yield more often to do the wishes of the other.
~ Let self-denial be the daily aim and practice of each.
~ Never taunt with a past mistake.
~ Neglect the whole world rather than one another.
~ Never make a remark at the expense of one another.
~ Never part for a day without kind words to think of during absence.
~ Never meet without a loving welcome.
~ Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
~ Never forget that marriage is ordained of God, and that His blessings alone can make it what it ought to be.

He Won’t Give Us More Than We Handle

2010-09-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

I chuckled to myself as I realized God has a sense of humor. As I drove back and forth moving stuff to the apartment I realized that my stress level was pretty low. I had Friday off and there was no class on Thursday or Saturday which freed me up for packing, moving, and unpacking.

He knew. He knew that this would happen and He made it so it’s doable. Often I hear, “Wow, you must be busy” when I tell people how many children I have, work full time, and going to grad school. It can be busy but He wouldn’t give me more than I can handle.

At times I question God's promises. I don't think it's because of my lack of faith- it's more a lack of my understanding of why all of the craziness is happening in my life at that particular time. Over the past 6 weeks there has been more things happening in my personal life than I've felt that I could handle. I'll admit that I've been angry, bitter, depressed, and confused as to why everything has happened. One of the phrases I've heard time and time again from family and friends is that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I've never been ashamed or afraid to lean on God's promises in difficult times. Last night I decided to pull out my Bible and find what I had always assumed was somewhere in His word. "God will never give you more than you can handle."
First Corinthians 10:13 in the NKJV reads, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” This Scripture teaches us a powerful principle. If we belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into our lives that we are not capable of bearing.

So, anything that comes our way, anything that tempts us, any tragedy that befalls us—we are capable of overcoming it and achieving spiritual victory. That does not mean it will always be easy. Quite the contrary—the fact that we may need a “way of escape” indicates that God sometimes allows difficult trials to come into our lives. We may not believe that we can overcome it, we may doubt our own strength to prevail, and we may even fail in the temptation. That does not mean, though, that we are not capable of overcoming that particular temptation. Whether it is a temptation to sin or a temptation to doubt God, God promises that we will be able to overcome it.

But what does it mean to “overcome” trials? It means the trials do not overcome our faith or our position as children of God, and we come through the trials intact. Our eternal destiny is not in danger because we are kept by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us as a down payment on our salvation. No trial can overcome that because it is of God. Therefore, the child of God will stand firm through the trials and come out on the other side still in God’s hand. This is proof that our salvation is real and our reward in heaven awaits us. James assures us, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

I know that God will work all things together for His glory and our good.

I know that no temptation is bigger than God.

I know that He is loving and safe.

How do I know that I'm not dealing with more than what I can handle? I'm sure other people have lived through and overcome bigger things than I'm wading through.
It's not that I don't trust Him. It's not that I love Him any less in the difficult times of life. I know that through doubt my faith is seeking understanding. It's not weakening, it's trying to grow.

Leadership

2010-09-08T19:43:00.001-07:00

The leadership process is a total learning process. We all are leaders in our own way at different times in our lives. For example a father or mother with children, their children look to them for guidance. They also learn their values and about their culture through them. That is having leadership abilities. Friends look to each other for advice and different experiences that each of them have done. Some people perform leadership acts on the daily basis and don’t even realize it until they think about it or until someone brings it to their attention. That’s why it’s said that a part of learning about leadership is to always think about it.

In my personal life I’ve abused the power of my leadership position. Due to financial stress, no job stress, work stress, etc. I did not give my children and step-children guidance, love, and acceptance but rather, I ruled with an iron hand and it was my way or no way. I abused my position in the home because I could and now the effects are almost irreversible. As a leader, I also know it’s not time to give up, I have to keep fighting the good fight and for what is right. As a good leader I also need to know when to give in, when it’s no longer about the fight but is now about me.

In my opinion it is ironic that I am in a leadership program when in my personal life I have not been a good leader recently. Through my class discussions, personality quizzes, and various books I’ve read I have managed to figure out what kind of leader I am and what personality traits come into play when I’m in a leadership role, however, I have not yet figured out how to be a good leader through being a visionary or motivating people. This is because I usually don’t share my vision; I have a vision in my head but do not communicate it or communicate it well and trust that my followers will follow. I tend to keep it close to my heart and set out to accomplish the tasks myself to fulfill the vision. The road ahead will be long and arduous, filled with learning, but it’s a road worth traversing on.

Twelve Years Ago....

2010-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago I graduated from college and put away my backpack along with my diaries, senior paper, and my high school memory book that my mother had lovingly put together for me. A few nights ago I pulled out my backpack to get it ready for August 19, first night of school for the next few years, and found those items I had long packed away and had forgotten about. Looking at the memory book brought back many fond memories of times gone by, shared with many friends who have long moved on and many who I still share a deep and binding friendship that spans over 25 years.

Twelve years ago I didn’t imagine myself where I am today nor foresaw all of the people who have come in and out of my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will bring the relationship to an end. In my 37 years, I’ve had various people who’ve come into my life for a reason; many I can see their face in my mind's eye but can’t recall their names. However, some do have lasting impact. Steve, my boss at Green Mill gave me my second son’s name. I am reminded of his impact on my life every time I’m asked where I got Jaden’s name. Connie, my ex step-mom taught me how to make a killer lasagna with cottage cheese instead of ricotta. Derek protected me when I needed it the most in high school. And Patrick taught me to love oven fired gourmet pizza and the value of hard work. Then over time they faded out of my life because the need has been met, the desire fulfilled, and their work is done. The prayer I sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Again, I have had the privilege of experiencing the season with some treasured friends. I moved to California during this season. Angelina came to be during this season. The many hands that helped me raise my children appeared during this time in my life. What I had thought was the darkest time of my life at the time, turned out to be more of a gift than I could ever repay. Upon reflection, I see how I also impacted the lives of many Kats; they were college students who needed someone to be on their side and fight for them, they needed a mother and a friend who would feed and listen to them without the nagging that they would get from their real mother.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. I am fortunate to say that I can count my lifetime relationship on both hands. I have friends I keep in touch with on a daily basis because I feel that a critical part of me is empty until I hear from them. They know what I’m thinking or wanting to say even before I say it. They understand and accept my teasing and can dish it right back without offending or being offended. A few others, I chat with every few months, but we always pick up where we left off. The comfort of that kind of relationship is amazing beyond words. These are also the friends I know who will be there with me til the end; ones who will comfort me and just let me cry; ones who will laugh at my ghetto stories and share their own; ones that will allow me to be myself and not judge. I have no doubt that these are the friends who will share the pains of child birth, child rearing, and rejoice with me in my children’s milestones as well as shed tears of joy and pain with me for many more years to come.

As I enter this new phase of my life, I am comforted in knowing that I have many friends encouraging me along the way and who will be there to congratulate me when I am Master Ami. Through my blogging, since we live in an electronic age, I’m hoping to leave my children with a legacy of many friends who will journey with them through the phases of their lives because friendships double their joys and divide their sorrows.

God's Voice

2010-07-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

My commute times and shower times are the times I allow myself the luxury of thinking, analyzing, and communicating with God. They may not be the ideal settings, but it is a routine that has worked for me. Many more times than not I hear him. No, He doesn’t appear in a burning bush nor is He a booming voice from Heaven. I hear His words in my head; the quite, yet firm and gentle voice that all too often I mistake for my own conscience. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know who it is.

An instance of this phenomenon occurred last week when I heard, “You’re not done.” You see, I wanted nothing more than to be done! I have had enough; I was through trying to make it work. I felt that I had done everything I knew to do; have tried doing this or that. Have not done this or that. Have not said this or that. Have said this or that. I felt that I no longer knew who I was and I was losing myself in all of this trying! I was ready to be done. I had no more fight and no more try left in me.

This frustration and giving up of the flesh was a result of Curt having had a custody hearing that day because his ex wife is asking for full custody of the four kids. As a result of the hearing, we, are required to go to family counseling. Taking time away from work, using my sick time, taking kids out of school, driving 30to 45 minutes to the nearest Kaiser with a psychiatry department, and having to account for this cost in an already tight budget because the court required it?! I was done. I had no desire to continue in this marriage with no real promise of a happily ever after.

That was the selfish me talking. Legitimately, I had tried to make us into one big happy blended family and it just wasn’t working out. Legitimately, I could walk away from my marriage believing I had done everything I know to do. Legitimately, I had done my fair share and hadn’t given up at the first sign of trouble.

But again, this was me talking. This wasn’t His plan for me or my family. God had said, “You’re not done.” I knew then I needed to move forward and schedule the first counseling appointment. It is set for this Thursday first thing in the morning. God be with us as and help us discern your voice from our own as we navigate through these rough waters because the days, weeks, and months ahead will be trying for ALL.

God bless us everyone!

2010-07-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote about my alone time and how much enjoyed it. However, today I spent the day with my sister-in-law’s husband’s family; the loud black family as they are lovingly referred to. There were sisters, brothers, mothers, aunts, uncles, husbands, nieces, nephews,friends, boyfriends, etc. These folks have grown up and grown old together; people who have gone through major life milestones such as marriages, births, divorces, and deaths together.

At dinner, over 50 people gathered around the long table and gave thanks to God.

At times like these I am reminded how much I enjoy having a big family as well as the benefits of having a large family. Many people will argue that children are at a disadvantage in a large family. Certainly children of large families are not indulged as often as their small family counterparts, but having the newest gadget, designer shoes, or their every whim met is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if one would view having to wear hand-me-downs, sharing a room, or putting up with a certain level of noise and a hectic household a negative thing, the truth is there are a good number of advantages to being a part of a large family, most which far surpass any "negatives.”

Consider how your family life benefits each of your children. How are your children strengthened to be better men and women through the give-and-take of growing up with several brothers and sisters?

• Work Ethic. My children have learned to work because there are always chores to do. And they all learn quickly that sometimes they have to clean up a mess even though they didn’t make it. Through their chores and their handling of responsibilities around the house, they contribute to the family's welfare. That is, every day they practice putting their powers up against problems for the service of others. Consequently they grow in self-knowledge (their strengths and limitations) and realistic self-confidence.

• Dependability. Related to this, they understand the real meaning of responsibility, that is, if we don't do our duty, someone else will suffer. So their moral development--moving from "self" to "others"--takes root more deeply. They grow to be givers, not takers.

• Conversation. Surrounded by siblings' banter and playful interaction, they enjoy constant intellectual stimulation. This strengthens and sharpens their judgment just as learning to say “no” may be the most valuable skill in this world. Having brothers and sisters teaches children to say “no” about 143 times a day. It’s a good skill.

• Laughter. The children have learned to laugh at the insane non sequiturs of younger siblings. They’ve learned that laughing just feels better when eight other people are doing it along with you. By and large, even with its ups and downs, the home of a large family is a happy place, a place of healthy fun. Good cheer, it seems, is livelier, more heartfelt, when shared with a crowd. All their lives, children from a large family remember the fun they had together, the sheer delight of being alive surrounded by love.

• Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you just give in to the youngest because you want a little quiet. Not all the time. But sometimes. Even their normal squabbles and spats, when refereed by parents, teach them lessons of fairness, sharing, splitting differences, letting others off the hook, forgiving and forgetting. This fortifies their moral standards, their lifelong conscience. (Friction, though irksome and tedious at times, has its uses; it rounds off rough edges, forms a smooth, resilient surface.)

• Wants and needs. Since their parents take care of their needs but cannot satisfy their whims (through lack of money and time), children learn the difference between desires and fundamentals. They learn to wait for what they want, or to work and earn it themselves. Thus they are spared the influence of instant gratification. They internalize the virtues of patience and honorable ambition. They grow to become self-reliant self-starters.

• Gender differences. Through interactions with their siblings, children more deeply understand gender differences. From their sisters, boys understand and appreciate femininity; from their brothers, girls understand and appreciate what's common among males. One of the mysteries of a large family is the startling differences siblings display in temperaments and talents and interests. By dealing with these differences among their siblings, children learn to get along with anyone. Having to share a bedroom and bathroom and space at the table prepares the children superbly for marriage and for life.

• Bond of affection. Older children play with the youngest ones, and thus form an attachment with them. Younger children receive love and learning from several older people, not just their parents. So older children are pulled out of their egos, and younger ones are surrounded by love.

• Patience. I never have to teach patience. My children know that I can’t drop everything for them. Every, “Mom, where are you?” doesn’t always produce the desired response.

• Humility. My children have learned it’s not always their turn. They’ve accepted they can’t always get their way because other people have to get their way sometimes. They’ve also learned that some children are better at certain things than they are.

• Foreign language skills. You can learn a lot of Spanish by watching years of Dora the Explorer that you just can’t pick up in two. And now with the Diego spin off I’m practically fluent.

• Competition. Everything is a competition in big families. The children compete over who reads faster, who drinks their milk faster, who gets to the bathroom first…etc. Everything is a competition and they’re all keeping score.

• Support. Each child journeys through life enjoying the encouragement of his grown-up brothers and sisters. No matter what befalls them in life, your children will never be alone.

• Praying. They learn that nothing beats praying together as a family.

Someday my own family will gather around two picnic tables put together to praise God and to thank Him for his abundance. Perhaps then we will recognize and give thanks to Him for blessing all of us with a large family unit as well.

Pets, pets, and MORE pets!

2010-06-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I spent some time with a friend and her daughters and by the time I left their house, I had inherited a hamster! A white looking RAT!!!! Our house now has 7 kids, two dogs, and a hamster! I don’t know what I was thinking! The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m getting soft in my old age. Most of the kids have this love for animals and I think that as I realize how fast they’re all growing up and how they all need or want the experience of pets, I’m starting to cave. All those who know me are VERY surprised by this “new” me!

The rules with pets, Maci and Choe (the dogs) sleep in our room, they’re not allowed on furniture, and not allowed upstairs. The rule for the hamster, name Rosie, is that she’s only allowed to roam the house in her ball and her cage stays in the laundry room.

I found information on line that supports my “caving in” to animals in the house so I’m going to stick with it and try to convince myself that this is a good thing and it’s healthy for the kids to have pets. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “Pets are part of many childrens' lives. Parental involvement, open discussion, and planning are necessary to help make pet ownership a positive experience for everyone. A child who learns to care for an animal, and treat it kindly and patiently, may get invaluable training in learning to treat people the same way."

It goes on to cite the advantages of pet ownership such as children raised with pets develop positive feelings about pets which can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.

Pets can serve different purposes for children:
• They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
• They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
• They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
• They provide a connection to nature.
• They can teach respect for other living things.

Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:
• Physical activity
• Comfort contact
• Love, loyalty, and affection
• Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.

Alone Time

2010-06-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you were alone? I mean REALLY alone?

Before this last week, I can honestly say it’s been seven years.

There's a saying - if Mom ain't happy, nobody's happy. We know this is true - if a mom is angry, upset, or tired, the whole house is in a frenzy. Moms are, for the most part, in charge of making the house run smoothly. They change diapers, cook meals, help with homework, or just spend "mommy and me" time with their children. They devote so much of themselves to everyone else. They must make sure to be all about themselves for at least thirty minutes each day.

Instead of thirty minutes a day, I recently got a week to myself. I was being deliciously naughty this week, kicked back by the pool getting some sun and reading my book in the middle of the afternoon. I realized that I had not had to answer any questions that started with, “Where is….” You see, days and days go by where I’m pretty sure that my only function in my family is to identify the location of rouge baseball caps, runaway iPods, and, of course, the four phone handsets for the home phone on which no one calls us!

During this week I was able to catch up with phone calls to friends. It’s been a long time since my phone calls have been a priority; not to mention that I’m able to answer the phone rather than let it go to voicemail.

It’s been a week of no “Mommmmmmmmmmmmm where are you?” “Mom can I have …?” “Mom, Jaden won’t let me play with him.” Actually I have not heard the word “mom” all week. I must admit, I miss it. Laying by the pool I can’t help but wonder how my kids would have loved to be here and how much they would have enjoyed the pool and the hot tub, especially Angelina because she doesn’t like being cold.

In my conversations with my friends, I heard their kids in the background and I heard the “frazzle” in their voice. I knew they couldn’t give me a 100% of their attention because their kids needed to be fed, listened to, and catered to. I sat in silence waiting for them to finish with their kids, at the same time feeling a little envious because I don’t have my kids needing me.

This week I found myself talking incessantly about my children. I think I became one of those annoying women who cannot hold a conversation about the World Cup, Lakers vs. Celtics game, or Gulf Coast oil leak. I look out the balcony of my hotel and remember the last time we were here, cruising around the Hawaiin Islands together. I flip through the TV channels and miss the “fight” for the kid channel or mom’s channel.

Moms are extremely busy these days-and that’s just by being a mom! We forget to take time out for just ourselves. However, I found myself on foreign soil because I didn’t have to pick up after children, do the many loads of laundry, worry about their meals, and make sure they go to bed at decent time. I was able to get the “me” time I had so much wanted and needed. I was unproductive and loving it, though I did miss my tribe.

Jaden Faden BoBaden

2010-06-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

According to a few birth order books I’ve read, “second-born children are often born into a competitive atmosphere, due to the pressure exerted by the eldest. They tend to adopt behaviors and characteristics that are the exact opposite of the first-born and in some cases exert more a rebellious spirit.” Also, “Second-born children show increases in traits like adventurousness and independence across adolescence.”

I’m one of two kids, and now have three biological children and four step children of my own, so I most definitely know each child dances to a different beat. You’re not supposed to compare. In fact, you’ll likely need to modify your parenting style at times to synch up with your unique offspring. I get that. I just need to remember it and put it to practice to help Jaden build his confidence and to succeed.

Middle children are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. However, I’ve discovered that if I cuddle with Jaden once lights are out, I can get him to talk about everything because physical touch is his love language and he’s also trying to avoid bed time. As a parent, you’ve got be creative!

The middle child may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. Jaden’s closest friend since kinder is Rogelio and he introduces all of his peers as, “My friend….” I’ve often wondered how everyone can be a “friend” to him in five minutes of meeting that person. Now I know. They are people pleasers and have a large social circle. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, are popular amongst friends and peers, and they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.

To parent the middle child, take the time to listen. Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time. If I’m busy and other kids are demanding my attention and don’t take the time to listen to Jaden, he will plaster a fake smile on his face and quietly withdraw, physically and emotionally.

Jaden and I have started reading the diary I’ve kept for him since I found out I was pregnant with him. I read this to him and he loves it! It was also recommended that he and I journal together; write “love notes” back and forth to each other in his diary and make this “just between us.” And for me to use all of his misspelled words when I respond so I can show him how to spell them correctly without tearing down his self esteem. This will change his, “I can’t” to “I can.”

Allow the middle child to make decisions. I’ve empower Jaden, at times, to choose where we could go to dinner or where we could go to spend some alone time together; this will make him feel special by allowing him to make choices. This will also help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.

I’ve updated the family album and have created a scrapbook just for Jaden. There tend to be a billion photos of Vinh and about half of that for Jaden; I have three full albums of Vinh, two of Jaden, and half of one for Angelina. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.

Not only do I need to be sensitive to the middle child but I also need to consider my step children and their birth order as well because in the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, "blended families don't blend; they collide."

Ex

2010-05-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Friendship is so many things to so many people and can be different for everyone and in every relationship. As we get older, good friendships are harder to find, but, for this reason, I think it is even more important to cherish and celebrate them. I'm fortunate to have many great friends -- both old and new. With every hardship I've had to face in life, I've been fortunate enough to have friends by my side, journeying with me down the winding, curving roads of life's highs and lows. The past few years have been filled with change and transformation for me and I couldn't be more grateful for those who have been beside me, supporting me -- for those who have been my friends. Below is the E-mail (with modifications since I wrote it out of anger) I had sent to three girl friends and retold it to a fourth. All four had differing input, advice, and prayer which is why “you are the flowers” in my life. Thanks for the advice and laughs ladies!

"Last night, after work, I went to work out and then stopped in to watch the last 1/2 hour of Jonathan's game. When I got to the field, I see Brandi, Christen, and Curt all sitting together. Like one happy family. So, when we got home he starts talking about that. Says that he was sitting there with Christen (because he picked her up from her track meet) and when Brandi got there she just sat herself down on the other side of Christen. Says he was uncomfortable so he moved over. I said, "Why didn't you move to another row?"

So this is why I'm ticked. He may have moved over but there was NO gap between him and Christen except enough room for a bag of sunflower seeds! There was more gap between him and the woman next to him than him and Christen! How do I know this? Because when I got there I stepped in between him and the other woman to climb to the next row of seats!

I'm also mad/sad/disappointed because this is not the first time. Another time was at another game a month or so ago. We got to the baseball game. I sat in the car reading since it hadn't started yet. He sets up two of our lawn chairs. She comes over and starts chatting since she didn't see me. Asks if she could sit in one of those chairs and he says yes! But he did tell her I’d be there soon. After that time we had a talk about that and I told him straight out that I don't appreciate her sitting in my chair and what it looks like is that they're the couple. I wasn't mad really the first time because after a bit he realized how it looked and got up and stood behind his chair instead. But he knew how I felt about it and says it won't happen again.

Well, last night it happened again! I told him she shows NO respect for our marriage because this stuff keeps happening. And his actions, by not moving to another row, says the same thing. I told him that he's never said "call me before you get here" when he's asked me if I'm coming to a game. So here I am showing up at a game and see this? What am I to think? So if this stuff happens when you don't know if I'm coming or not, then what else happens when I don't come? What else don't I see?

I'm disappointed because he doesn't get it! He doesn't get why I'm hurt. Says that he's never "cheated" etc why would I even think that? It's NOT what I think. It's what I see that bothers me! And to me, actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see to get it.

None of this would be a big deal if she comes over and sits down when I'm there or talks to him when I'm there. She only does this when she doesn't see me around.

And he seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" just makes it all better. I told him last night, instead of hindsight being 20/20 and apologizing afterward, why don't you think about your actions and change it instead? Saying I'm sorry this time does NOT make it better!! I reminded him that he's always talked about people's perception and how important that is. Well, to strangers last night, the perception is that they're the couple there watching their son play baseball and their other daughter is sitting between them! That perception only changed when I showed up! I also told him that it is his responsibility to make sure that I'm secure in this relationship. That's his duty as my husband! If I'm getting the wrong perceptions then it's his responsibility to change that because if I'm seeing something that is not really there, what are other people seeing? And these people don't have any intimate knowledge of who we all are!

I understand they will always need to communicate because of the kids. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with the lack of respect for our marriage relationship. Just because she's the mother of his children does NOT give her permission to be disrespectful!

Miesha said, “The one good thing is that he felt uncomfortable with her doing that, that’s a good sign, even if he didn’t handle it the best way. He’s a guy and they are clueless. You may have to go through some mock “what do you do in this scenario” things with him so he gets it. The next time she pulls that, he should tell her, you know Brandi, I noticed that you only come around and hang out like this when my wife is not around and that’s not ok with me because it makes me feel like you’re disrespecting her and our relationship. She will be shocked and it will stop or she will go off on him, either way she will be shut down and know her place.”

Briana said, “OMG… I would be pissed too. And probably more than that, I’d feel hurt. You are completely justified in your feelings. She’s a nut. Why all the drama all the time??? You should just duke it out on Jerry Springer and be done with it once and for all!”

Jen said, “Lord, I pray that you give Ami the strength and patience to endure these circumstances that arise between Curt and his ex wife. Let her trust that you know best and will always be there for her. And I pray Father that you help Curt realize that his actions are harmful and disrespectful to his wife and that he becomes a better steward of their relationship even when he is not in her presence. In Jesus name, Amen.”

Danette said, “So, did you just show up without calling?” Of course I did!

Since the E-mail, Curt has talked to his ex about the situation and asked that she never do that again. And as Miesha predicted, she went ballistic, started calling him names, made accusations, and was all dramatic with tears. I’ve also updated my girl friends and laughed out loud at their responses.

Curt and I have also talked and have kissed and made up; with him realizing I am right. I love it when I am right!

A Stepmother's Prayer

2010-05-20T10:27:00.001-07:00

Lord, help me to be a good stepmother… give me the patience of a saint, the strength of an ox, and the skin of a rhinoceros.

Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child's love multiplies and does not divide.

Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children's lives, somewhere "below" a parent but "above" an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond… let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.

Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment's notice when their "real" parents are busy… and when their mother tells my husband "she is not their mother!" and "why can't she watch them?" in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.

Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.

Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is; do not let me assume one of the "real" parents is taking care of it.

Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress, and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.

Siblings

2010-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

The relationship between brothers and sisters can be quite amazing. My brother (Kiki) and I are 11 months apart (to the day) and were inseparable for a long time. We have a relationship that is more like being twins rather than older sister and younger brother.

When you are little, having a brother or sister is all about a friendship, laughter, trusting each other whole heartedly, and knowing that if there is a monster under the bed and you share a room your bro would help you out. Then it seems that as soon junior high started the bridge starts to form, one or the other sibling becomes super independent and doesn't need the other quite as much. For some sibling relationships this may start much sooner in life.

During the elementary school years, my brother and I drew strength from each other through my parent’s divorce and the turmoil that followed. He included me in all of his sporting activities as well as we’d spend hours building forts and fires together. These were the things that took us away from reality; it made us forget all of the sadness around us. Unfortunately, due to new friends, having friends in different circles, and college we drifted apart during our early teen to late twentys years.

As selfishness washed away to responsibility, we gradually reconnected. And really reconnected when I had my first child, when he got married, and when he had his first child. These are just a few of the milestones that we wanted to share with each other. As we age, we feel this need more and more with each passing Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.

I had a chance to reflect on the special times that I had with my brother when I laid in bed talking with my children last night about the importance of them loving and protecting each other. It brought back the memories of us playing football in the snow, running home from school just to check on our forts, and negotiating TV shows for the half hour that we were allowed. Time passes so quickly and now I see that my children will soon cross the line from siblings/friends to arch enemies. There are fleeting moments still when I can hear them laughing and I know at that moment that they do love each other! It just isn't cool to like each other in public! Of course, they would stand up for each other and pull together if there were a crisis of some sort. I guess in the end that is all that matters.

What I have noticed is that if you are not close to your sibling (like I wasn’t for a some time) there is always a spot in your soul that is empty. Though we don’t often talk on the phone now-I blame this on him and my busy schedule-I can feel the bond that we share is unbreakable. This is also evident when we’re together and get to watch our children interact with each other. There is a closeness between them that is undeniable. I’ve mentioned this to my sister-in-law, Twila, as well as my brother, “The only thing I miss about being in California is that our children do not get the opportunity to grow up together.”

Life is too short to not have a relationship with your sibling. Regrets are exactly what cause disease in our bodies; disease in our soul. You cannot be more connected to yourself then when you are connected to your sister or brother. Good or bad, happy or sad there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason you became family. As I’ve said to my kids, all seven of them, “When I’m dead and gone, you’re all you’ve got in this world. Love each other!”

Jesus was from a blended family

2010-05-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

There are days during my marriage when I wonder if our house will ever feel like a warm, loving home. I feel a dark cloud hanging over Curt and me. Just when I thought we were making progress in an area of our marriage or in relationships within our family, something would break loose and hit us blindside.

Curt and I never seem to agree on anything when issues arise between us and the children; we immediately take offense and ask the same question that is always present in every conversation, “Did you back me up?” We never really solve anything, only walked away confused and hurt by each other.

I have become more and more frustrated, and remember saying more than once, “Why even try to talk about it? We never solve anything anyway.”

Many times, I feel I prayed in circles. I would find reassurances in God’s word and feel sustained in His joy and praise. But then I would find myself facing the same wall I thought I had already climbed. Was God even listening? Did He see us flailing about, trying to make something of all this?

These are a few of the dark areas in our family:

No bonding between us and each others respective children
We have less patience with each others kids than our own
We are sterner and less tolerant with each others kids than our own
We do not love each others kids as our own

Even under this dark cloud, I am reminded that our thoughts get in the way of what God is trying to do for us. We question God with endless whys and why nots. I need to remove my thoughts of doubt about what God can do in my life. Make way for Him to give me the prosperous future he desires for me. Again, I’m reminded to be patient as God’s plan for me reveals itself. Truth is, God often gives us His plans for our lives, but we doubt His magnificent power because things don’t move quickly enough to suit us. I keep repeating, “Our blended family is a part of God’s wonderful masterpiece!” After all, Jesus was from a blended family…..

Grad School

2010-04-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve been accepted to Sacramento State for Grad School starting Fall 2010; it’s a two year Education program. When I told friends and family, I got mixed reactions ranging from, “Are you crazy?” “Congrats! I think you’re amazing to tackle grad school and the Brady bunch.” “Master Ami.” And, “I’ll be praying for you.”

It’s been one of my goals to someday earn my PhD and this is the first step towards that goal. But unlike my undergraduate education, my graduate work will be in my field of work, delving narrower and deeper into my chosen profession. I’m also told I will have a much closer relationship with my professors, which means no “getting by” because they’ll expect more from me as well. Grad school will also allow me to immerse myself in what I am really passionate about, which are undergraduate students at the University. And aside from gaining an advantage over others in my career, more education means more money. More money is always good!

The benefits of an advanced degree are numerous, and so are the reasons for earning one, however I do have to wonder, “Am I crazy for taking one more thing on?” I guess the answer would be “Yes!” if I weren’t learning to say “no.” I’ve informed the Children Pastor at our church that come September I’ll have to take a step back. I’m contemplating my resignation as Secretary of the soccer board. I’m learning to walk away at 4pm and not take work home. I’m going to try harder to find a replacement for myself on the PTA board. And I’ve asked my husband to “step it up a notch” come September. These are baby steps in reaching my goal.

Questions that were asked of me during my decision process were, “Can you juggle multiple tasks, projects, and papers at once?” And, “Can you manage time effectively?” I think I’ve already experimented, tested, and lived out my findings in these areas, I just need a degree that tells me I’ve mastered it.

I'm just like my mom!

2010-04-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

The other evening I was having a typical struggle with my six year old daughter over whether or not she could wear a particular outfit when it happened. I opened my mouth, intending to say one thing, and the words of my mother popped out instead! When did I start sounding just like mom?

I’m sure many moms can relate! How many times have you told yourself “If I’m ever a mother, I’ll never do _____________ like my mom…”. And one of the most painful things for a woman to hear is the casually tossed “You’re just like your mother…”

I’ve been thinking about the mom/daughter relationship a lot lately because my daughter is sounding more and more like me. “Will she grow up to be like me?” I wonder? “And, if she does, is that a good thing?”

There’s one thing that I’m certain about: my relationship with my mom shapes and molds my personality. Maybe it prompts me to strive for the same qualities, it might hold me back from my true potential, or perhaps it pushes me to achieve something more than my mom was ever able to reach.

“Did I grow up to be just like my mom?”

1. What one personality trait of my mom had the most influence on my life? For example, my mom taught me loyalty to family. I would often hear her complain about my grandparents’ demand for her time, her siblings’ indecisiveness and poor decisions. But through it all, she’ll go out of her way to take care of everyone in the family, even her grown children.

2. What one lesson has my mom taught me that has carried with me over the years? My mom instilled a love of learning that I will be grateful for the rest of my life. She showed me, through her own life that you’re never too old to go to school and learn. At 31, she immigrated to the US, learned English, went to college, and found a career that she is passionate about.

While I never did inherit my mom’s creative skills, I hope that I can use her “never say never” attitude to enhance my life, and pass on her thirst for excellence to my own children in whatever they become interested in.

So, did I grow up to be just like my mom? Who cares! The more important question is: have the qualities my mom shared and the lessons I’ve learned helped me to make my own way in the world? As I look back at our relationship and all of the lessons I’ve learned from my mom, I thank God for the chance to use those lessons to develop the traits and ideals I want to pass to my children.

Girlfriends

2010-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.

In reading this, I came to the realization that the longest relationship I have with one of my girlfriend goes back to 25+ years. That’s longer than any marriage I’ve been in! She and her family had a hand in shaping me into the person I am today.

My other girlfriend has been at the end of many frantic and frustrated E-mails about exes. She’s always been good at letting me vent and just ramble on and on, on E-mail, even when it didn’t make sense and I didn’t feel like proofreading or using spell check. She knows me well enough to decipher my messages.

Another comforted me when I was faced with one of the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life and was the first person at the hospital to help me welcome Beans into the world.

Yet another took my call at midnight and talked with me until 3am. She had to make sure I was OK first before she would allow me to hang up.

Other friends have been the nannies I needed when I was raising three kids alone. In return, I just had to feed them. They also taught me to cook for an army, or in this case, some very hungry college students.

Another friend has been my sounding board and is my constant reminder of what the Bible says is right. Sometimes, I don’t really want to talk to her but I do appreciate her sending me, “God Breathes on Blended Families” and adding me to her prayer list.

A few even allowed for a very inebriated New Year and held my hair as I clung to the toilet bowl, knowing all too well that reliving the past isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Recently, they’ve been there during my difficult days as a mom, step-mom, wife, ex-wife, etc. They’ve allowed me to vent, cuss, and cry all the while acknowledging what I’m saying and occasionally make a joke out of the situation, putting it all in perspective for me. They’ve also allowed me the “WTF am I going to do in counseling with my ex husband’s wife?!”

They’ve been my sisters in good and bad times and we’ve waned in and out of various stages of our relationship, but through the years, I’ve found these things to be true of my friends:

1. They’ve given feedback (criticism) gently but truthfully.
2. They’ve accepted my flaw du jour. (“Am I just being a bitch?!”)
3. They’ve been physically present during crisis and traumas.
4. They’ve listened--even when totally sick of hearing me ramble for the umpteenth time about "nothing."
5. They laughed at me and with me; and have taught me to find humor in my chronic faux pas and ludicrous situations.
6. They shared my struggles.
7. They supported my wild hairs (tangents) until I figured out my own truth. ("A 'born-again virgin'? Makes sense to me.")
8. And the most important reason for our lasting friendships: LIE. (Once in awhile you just have to say "I think you look great in your favorite leopard tights." Finger crossing is allowed!)

Simpler Life

2010-02-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

This question of financial lack is important. After all, if Christianity is true, if God owns everything, if He is love, if He is the God of all provision, why do many of His precious children struggle in under lack of finance and/or debt? Like many people who’ve been hit hard by the economy, we’re finding a lot of creative ways to spend our time together, as a family.

We’ve turned our formal living room into a library and have spent some time in there just reading.

Pictionary, Texas Hold ‘Em, Singing Bee, Wii Resort, and Trivia Pursuit are a few games we’ve played together. Texas Hold ‘Em with 7 kids is SO predictable!

Throwing the baseball around outside; hopefully not hitting the dog square in the head.

Going on bike rides around the neighborhood and laughing at each other when our pant legs get caught in the chain.

Basketball games with the neighborhood kids.

Movie nights, with $1 movies from Redbox, and microwave popcorn is always a hit on Friday or Saturday nights.

The girls and I will spend hours scrap booking together. It’s always fun to see the end result.

And during major rain and wind storms, we have no power, so doing things by candle light is a treat. It’s as if we live in a time before electricity was invented. The kids love being able to light all the candles in the house.

Financially, it’s been a struggle for us and I know it wears on my husband. However, out of the darkness, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Because we do not have the extra discretionary income, we’ve gone back to a “simpler life” and to my surprise; the kids have embraced it and have enjoyed the time with us.

I just need to remember that often times we are doing nothing wrong but still have financial struggles. It can be a part of the training God is putting us through in order to develop us into the people He wants us to be. He wants us to have faith and trust in Him alone. He is our Source. Sometimes He takes away all external support so we can learn that He is our Supply and He doesn't need any help. Many Biblical people went through this: Job, Joseph, Moses, David, and even Jesus Himself. It has also been the experience of many Godly people since then. Financial struggles are not necessarily a sign of sin or wrong doing. They can be a part of the processes of God to work something greater in our lives and our ability to reach others. Many times there is financial reward when we come through the tests successfully.

New Year's Resolution

2010-01-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

Tradition dictates that every 365 days, you should try to kick bad habits and start your life anew. A New Year's resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day. Some examples include resolutions to donate to the poor more often, to become more assertive, or to become more environmentally responsible.

My resolution was to be nice. Simple enough right? Wrong! Because I grew up with divorced parents who were not pleasant to each other and there were clear limits set between them, this is what I’ve come to know in my divorced life. I believe there need to be clear boundary lines between exes and new spouses. I don’t think it’s OK for exes to come into my house and make themselves comfortable. That is a lack of respect and clear boundaries. However, I noticed that not everyone grew up with these clear boundaries. For example, Curt’s ex wife (Brandi) grew up with exes and new significant others intermingling and it was no big deal. And it’s still not a big deal in her circle of knowledge.

Aside from Brandi making herself comfortable in my home, she and I have never had a good relationship; there has always been friction between us, mostly because I’ve taken offense to the many things she’s said and done. I’ve asked my husband how he can just let bygones be bygones?! He reminded me “For if you forgive their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment) your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Why does he have to be right?!

So, my New Year’s Resolution is to forgive and be nice. I have to admit though that this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! Love thy enemies is never easy. But if I’m to live according to God’s words then I need to admit that I have sinned and confess my sins because He is faithful and just and will forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

The other person whom I’ve already started this process with is my ex husband’s wife (Jennifer). I’ve come to realize that he is horrible at communication and scheduling, and since she is a big part of my sons’ lives, I need to make more of an effort to communicate with her about schedules and coordinating activities. As I write this, we’ve had four positive interactions. Thank God for small miracles!

Pray for me this weekend, as this will be the first time I encounter Brandi since my New Year’s Resolution. Saint Augustine said, “Faith is to believe what we do not see…” So very true because the rewards for my pledge will probably not bear fruit for years to come or even in my lifetime. What I need to do is to rest in faith that my children's children will be blessed because I would have done what is right, no matter how awkward it may feel for me.

Curt's Story

2010-01-15T13:51:00.001-08:00

I was born in Rio Vista Ca. the youngest of four brothers and a sister. When I was five years old my parents divorced. Growing up with divorced parents was never easy but looking back, there were three people in my life who shaped me into the man I am today.

My mom had to get a job and struggled to provide for her family. Somehow she always found a way to make ends meet. We never had abundance and most of the time we had barely enough. I remember my mom crying many times because she just didn’t know how she was going to make it work. At one point she went on food stamps because there was no other way. She never wanted to do that because she always told us that it was for those who absolutely needed it and she didn’t want others to have to provide for her responsibility. She soon got another job and was able to get by without the food stamps. Not that we were any better off but that she was able to just squeak by. She went to the welfare office to tell the social worker that she didn’t need the food stamps anymore. And the social worker said she couldn’t because she still qualified for them. But my mom told her that she was able to make it work without them. They argued back and forth but my mom won the argument. Personally I wish she would have lost back then, it would have made it easier. What I didn’t understand, but I do now, is that she was teaching me that the easy choices are not always the best choices.

When I was 13 years old I went to live with my dad and step mom in Sacramento because of the trouble I was getting into living with my mom. My dad already had another life established in Sacramento, without kids, but with some convincing from my uncle he let me move in with him. I did not feel welcomed in my father’s home because I was not a part of his plans and I was a bad kid with a chip on his shoulder. I didn’t appreciate all that he and my step mom were doing for me; I expected a lot from them and didn’t think I had to do anything to earn it. I believed that my dad had a lot to make up for so I didn’t think I had to take responsibility for our relationship.

My dad also had a drinking problem. At least once a week (sometimes more) he would come home drunk, usually from bowling on Wednesday night. He would come into my room wanting to talk, he would tell me how much he loved me and that he was sorry for the way things turned out. Inevitably, it would always turn into him yelling at me and blaming me for things that were wrong in his life. There was no reasoning with him because he was drunk.

From these one sided “talks” I had with my father, I learned how to deal with people who are drunk. Most people try to reason with people that are drunk but you can’t and if you try you just get frustrated.

My father died when I was 19 years. Though he was not present for much of my life, he did teach me a few things:

1. Respect my roots
2. Hard work
3. Humor

At 16, I left my father’s house and moved in with my older brother Vince. He was the father and friend I needed. He was always there for me when I had any problems. He would take me to his baseball games or out with his friends. Whenever I needed anything I knew I could always count on him. Through the years, he’s taught me the value of hard work and loving your family.

To most, it would appear that I had a horrible childhood. To me, it was real and I made the best of what I was given. And perhaps, through the years, the bad memories tend to fade and are replaced with happier times.

The Power of Words

2010-01-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep,and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

Years ago a girlfriend called me up, excited that her boyfriend called and asked her about “the kids.” For her, this was a big “next step” in their relationship. For me, I learned that day about the power of words.

Curt and I recently had a talk about how he speaks in terms of “I” or “me.” I told him that by not using “us,” “we,” or “our” he’s not acknowledging me and my role in this family. He explained it was not his intent to exclude me or to hurt me with those words. He explained that when he says “I” or “me” he is referring to me as well. I explained to him that that is not what his words convey. Needless to say, we don’t see eye to eye on this. Though I am his wife, and we are one, I cannot hear intent. Words are powerful, they carry positive or negative connotations and they express unity or individuality.

When speaking to others I endeavor to speak of “the children” or “our children” unless I’m explaining the dynamics of our blended family and which children belong to which parent. I refer to me in terms of “us,” “we,” and “our.” This lets people know I am a part of a larger family unit; that I am a wife and mother (to a tribe).

My girlfriend’s conversation has stayed with me through the years and I finally understand her excitement over “the kids” because the connotation is that her boyfriend values her kids and hopes to someday be a permanent part of their lives. Just as Curt using the words “we” or “us” would illustrate that I am in his and the children’s lives.

In analyzing my conversation with Curt, I am reminded that for six days God spoke and it was so. The words we speak have just as much authority because we were created in His image.

Christmas Traditions Part II

2009-12-29T17:16:00.001-08:00

Despite the court orders, the juggling of schedules, and the last minute family arrivals, we still managed to add to our growing list of Christmas traditions in 2009.

Decorating the house for Christmas this year involved seven children, three fake Christmas trees, 20 storage bins, and a partridge in a pear tree. I was responsible for the Christmas tree in the main room, Christen was responsible for the tree up on the landing, and Abigail was responsible for the tree in the family room. Combining households has its advantages.

We (girls) also made Christmas wreaths (Abigail affectionately calls them reefs) with corn flakes and marshmallows. By the time we got the batch 10 we were all “reefed out.”

Dinner at Vince and Laura’s (Curt’s brother and sister-in-law) is always a success! It’s the only time of year I get to see all of the Tripps together under the same roof. Of course, there are many pictures to be taken, conversations to be had, and basketball games between old men and young boys to watch. The old men came in sweating profusely while the young boys came in declaring victory.

This year, there were many more dinner parties with friends to attend and to have because we had my mother visiting and because we had the kids for the week of Christmas. A close and dirty game of Pictionary was played. Of course, the best team won! A rematch is demanded for 2010.

Christmas Eve service this year was a night to rock out! After the 5pm service at our church, we piled everyone in the car and headed to Bayside Granite Bay for their Christmas Eve service. Lincoln Brewster and his band put on an amazing show of rock and roll, a spectacular display of lights, and a drummer spinning at a 90 degree angle while NOT missing a beat! Who said Christian music was boring?!

Some of our traditions will remain the same from year to year, however, we need to remain flexible from year to year to accommodate for the changes that are inevitable. The holidays keep me on my toes and reminds me that it’s not the traditions that matter but the relationships that I’m building over the years that will stay with me long after the three fake Christmas trees and 20 bins of Christmas “stuff” are packed and put away.

Christmas with the Tripps

2009-12-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas, for me, provokes images from Norman Rockwell paintings with families gathered around the piano caroling, seated by the fire place enjoying each other’s company, or gathered around the Christmas tree opening presents.

Christmas with the Tripps is a far cry from those Norman Rockwell paintings! Nonetheless, I can’t help but feel blessed to be surrounded by family. Each family is different, and no family is perfect. I love my family no matter how strange it sometimes seems.

Christmas with the Tripps includes but are not limited to:

Court orders that needs to be adhered to.

Exes who need to be consulted and coordinated with.

There are the significant others of the exes who need to be regarded.

There are children from the new relationships who need to be accounted for.

Then, there are the families of the exes as well as their significant other’s families who need to be considered. This proves to be a difficult feat when I have a mother who tells me on December 17 that she’ll be flying in on December 20 for the holidays. This also produces much turmoil with the exes and their significant others when asked if they would modify their schedule for this.

The court order for Kimberly, Christen, Abigail, and Jonathan has them with us for Christmas Eve and Christmas day on odd years. However, their mother wants them for a part of Christmas too so the new agreement is that they go spend some of time with her and her family on Christmas day and come back to our house the following day. This is because this is our week with the kids. It would look very different if it was our year with them for Christmas but they were with their mom for the week.

The court order for Angelina states that she is with us on odd years and with her father on even years for Christmas. It also states that the first half of her Christmas vacation is to be spent with us on odd years and the second half of the vacation she is to be with her father.

The court order for Vinh and Jaden has them with their father on Christmas Eve at 9AM to Christmas day at 9AM. This year I asked if he would switch with me so I could have them Christmas Eve to Christmas day. He agreed to the switch. However, the terms of the switch kept changing daily to accommodate for changes with his wife’s family. My thoughts? You agreed to the switch, end of discussion. My husband’s thoughts? Let’s work it out. My mother’s thoughts? He let the boys come back to our house early from this week with them, the least I can do is accommodate his needs.

Doesn’t anyone realize how much I don’t like last minute schedule changes? The scheduled me purposely set up the court orders so that on odd years we have ALL the kids.

Many conversations and phone calls later, it is now agreed on that Vinh and Jaden’s dad can pick them up at 8AM on Christmas day. This means that this year, we change our tradition and open presents on Christmas Even night after church.

I’ve now mastered the art of juggling and ready to run off with the circus. But of course, that involves much planning and forethought on which would be the best circus company to join. Though our family dynamics may be complicated, this is the plan God has for me and I just have to let go and let God.

Angelina

2009-11-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

Angelina wasn’t conceived under ideal circumstances.

And there is no one to blame for that but me. What seems like an eternity ago, I made some poor choices and bad decisions that resulted in a pregnancy that I didn’t want. Upon reflection, I’m grateful for the friend who spent a few hours being a friend when I most needed one. Thank you friend; I am grateful for your friendship.

My pregnancy with Angelina was not an easy one but as soon as she came out, she’s been the easiest child to raise. Unlike her brothers, she didn’t require a lot of cuddling/rocking and slept through the night as soon as she was born. Though she was only four pounds seven ounces and doctors and nurses were scared for her life, she’s proven that she’s a tenacious little girl filled with the love and spirit of Jesus Christ.

She and I both rely on this God given strength on days like today. She gave me a hug good bye this morning and broke down crying because she did not want to go to her dad’s this Thanksgiving. At six years old, this will be her first Thanksgiving with him. All of her life, up until last year, she’s only known me and the people in my life. I am comforted knowing that God will be with her. She takes comfort in knowing that I’m in her heart and that she’ll just need to think of me and I’ll be there. But none of that makes this any easier. I’m not sure if this will ever be easier. It’s something Angelina will learn to live with through the years.

Though we will not be together this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the angel sent from above because every once in awhile I get a glimpse of heaven through her eyes. She told me once that before she was in my belly, she was flying around God as a baby angel. She sees the good in people that I often miss. She loves unconditionally. Gives hugs freely. Reads her Bible regularly. And is living proof of God’s plan.

Ah-The Noises Little Boys Make

2009-11-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sneezes and hiccups, boogers, and farts
When they’re finished with one the other another one starts.
It’s a natural reaction for silly little boys
To pick a booger then eat it, to fart and make noise.

Little girls? A bit different
And quite modest with such affairs
They’d rather keep noises quiet
Than attract such unpleasant stares.

Daughters are taught to be little ladies,
Be polite, say thank you and please
Daddies think it rather amusing
To let boys burp and ‘cut cheese’.

What would we do without little angels
Who pick their nose, burp here, and fart there -
Just when you think you’ve trained them so well
They belch loud, as if they don’t care.

But little boys must learn early on
That little girls like boys who are tame -
not a young man who makes rude noises
And thinks good manners are stupid and lame.

And little girls must learn a few truths as well
About little boys who grow up to be men
Sometimes they just can’t help it at all,
When they make silly noises, over and over again.

Farmville

2009-11-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

Often when women become stepmothers, they believe they should behave like Julie Andrews in the movie "The Sound of Music." They expect instantly to be perfect caregivers and homemakers. Many assume that if they cook and care for stepkids daily, maybe even doing special things such as handcrafting clothing for the children, they'll soon be happily riding bikes with their stepchildren, singing and acting like one big happy family. You can blame Cinderella or the bad reputation that surrounds stepmothers. The reality about being a stepmother is that it's not easy, and it can be just as frightening for the person stepping into the role as it is for the child(ren) involved.

This is so true when it comes to my relationship with Kimberly. At best, it’s been tenuous. Until recently, we’ve not been able to find common ground. Over the weekend, we both discovered our love for Farmville on Facebook. I merely commented to Kimberly, in passing, that her farm was “lame” and our relationship has blossomed from joking remark. We spent the weekend in front of the computer planting, harvesting, buying, selling, planning her crops, etc. I’ve not had this much fun in a long time!

To most, this is such a trivial thing. To me, it’s huge! I’ve tried (and Kim has tried) over the past 3 years to find common ground with each other with no success. We seem to have taken one step forward and then two steps back. How frustrating and tiring!

I was amazed that Facebook brought me back in touch with my elementary school friends, I’m even more amazed that it fostered a blossoming relationship with my stepdaughter! I am honored that she trusts me enough to give me her Facebook password so I can farm for her while she’s at her mom’s house with no internet access.

Needless to say, her farm is prospering and her crops are growing nicely. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see the fruits of our labor when she’s back with us next week.

In doing my reading for this blog, I came across the statistic below as well as dos and don’ts that stepmoms may find helpful. By no means is it an easy job, however, patience, perseverance, a lot of praying, and the support of the father will help ease your burdens. I am extremely blessed that I have a loving husband who supports me.

“The number of stepmothers is growing, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, which reports that about 65 percent of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage, resulting in the formation of stepfamilies. Still research shows that stepmothers have the most negative image of any family member in a stepfamily situation, partly because they are often placed in roles that traditionally (and often falsely) rival that of the biological mother.”

Making it all work when there's a stepmother involved could be easier when stepmothers remember some practical dos and don'ts:

1. The more affection given to the stepchildren, the more success the stepmother is likely to have.

2. When a stepmother thinks about discipline, she should think about the word "disciple" instead. Teach your stepchildren gently and "explain" to them, instead of yelling and spanking.

3. Time is your ally. Realize that it may take time to develop a loving relationship with your stepchild.

4. Never say anything negative about a biological mother, no matter how merited it may be. Help the child find a solution to his or her problem if possible.

5. Don't try to prove that you are in charge by imposing your will.

Two years later...

2009-11-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

We recently celebrated our two years anniversary (November 1). There are many memories that are still fresh in my mind, and then there are many more that is just a blur. I remember the boys having their pants rolled to their knees, sock and shoes off and trying not to get wet because they knew we still had to take pictures. There is a great picture that the photographer snapped of Curt scolding the boys while I stand there trying to pose. I remember Angelina planted in the sand and trying to bury herself with her pretty Cinderella dress on. I remember the older girls, with their shoes kicked off, trying to stay out of the water. I remember thinking to myself that I must have been insane when I bought my wedding dress because this is NOT a dress that one should wear at a beach wedding with children who desperately want to go to play in the water.

Those are a few of the details I remember two years later. But what I don’t remember are our vows to each other. Even though I had planned everything from beginning to end and must have read and reread our vows a hundred times, I don’t remember reciting them or really hearing what Curt was saying to me or I to him.
When our anniversary was approaching, I decided to go through our wedding file (Yes, I have all that filed away in a drawer) and take out our vows. I read it, reread it, evaluated it, and asked myself if I had been doing what I had promised Curt I’d do on that day, on the beach in Maui.

Curt’s vow:

“As we stand before both God and man making public our commitment to one another, I wish to make it known that I recognize God’s authority over my life, which is exercised from His loving heart. He has chosen me to be one of His own, and has since been my life. I recognize also that He blessed me, and entrusted me your life as an unearned gift. In recognition of these things, I, Curtis, take you, Ami, to be my wife. I purpose to love you with His love, to provide for your needs though His enablement, and to lead you as He leads me, as long as He gives me life, regardless of circumstances. Ami, I look forward to establishing a home where Christ is glorified. Toward that end I promise to allow God to use you in my life as He sees best in building me into His person. I thank Him for your love and friendship.”

The one thing that stands out to me in Curt’s vow is “…establishing a home where Christ is glorified.” For awhile, after we were married, this was not the case in our home. We both recognized this during one of our fights when Curt told me that his children doesn’t feel “love, wanted, appreciated, and welcomed” by me. At the same time I’m telling him I don’t feel those things from him and the children. Also, I didn’t feel “safe” to be able to express what’s on my mind and in my heart. What I had felt from Curt, and later confirmed by Kimberly, is that the children come first and I come second. I am to cook, clean, do the laundry, help with homework, etc but when it comes to major or minor decisions, I have no input because I’m not the biological mother. We were not living according to God’s word. We hadn’t put God first, each other next, and then children. We were putting the children first, each other next, and only honoring God on Sundays at church. We were not living the life we had promised each other on our wedding day. Until we recognized it and rectified it, our home was not our haven. Since this discovery, Curt and I have made it a point to read the Bible together, to pray together, to give each other time to talk, really talk, each day, to include each other in the decision making processes whether it be a major or minor one, to honor each other’s role, and to put God first every day.

Ami’s vows:

“I take you, Curtis, to be my husband. With the greatest joy I come into my new life with you. Today, I am reminded of James 1:17 which says, ‘Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation of shifting shadow.’ Besides the gift of salvation, you are the most precious gift God has given me. I know that along with the new joys God has given me, I face new responsibilities that I cannot fulfill in my own strength. But by God’s grace and power working within me, I desire to be trustworthy as your wife, to serve and love you in all circumstances, to obey you, to allow God to use you to build His qualities in me, as long as God gives us life on this earth. I praise God continually for you, Curtis, and for your love and friendship.”

In rereading my vows to Curt, I realized that I hadn’t been serving and loving to him in ALL circumstances because there were many times I was bitter and had thoughts such as “I do so much for him and the kids, and no one notices or just take it for granted.” I definitely didn’t obey him and let him lead me as I had promised to do. My thoughts were “I’ve been doing this solo all these years and am perfectly capable of making decisions on my own, I don’t need him to tell me what to do.” I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, submit as I’m instructed to do.

I certainly didn’t allow for God to work in Curt nor did I praise God daily for him. There were days when I asked, “Why me? What did I get myself into? Was I insane thinking I could be a decent step-mother?” These were the days when I cursed God and resented Him for answering my prayers.

When Curt and I finally recognized that we hadn’t been putting God first in our marriage, we changed our priorities. We now read the Bible and pray most every day, choose to communicate, love, honor, and obey each other daily. This is all very difficult when we all lead such busy lives! And it’s especially hard to love someone when he’s not being very lovable and it’s even harder to honor and obey someone, whom I’m mad at.

Two years, a lot of tears, a handful of fights, laughter, and some good times later we’re finally on the right path; the path that God has put us on and we’ve finally wised up and put Him first. Since that revelation our marriage has experienced tremendous growth, the children have felt more peace and love in the home, and I finally feel that I’m number 1 in my husband’s eyes and heart.

My Story

2009-10-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

The bright yellow moon hung in the black night sky as 41 of us men, women, and children filed into the little fishing boat. It wasn’t the ideal night to be escaping from communism but this was our last attempt to flee a war torn country in hopes of something better. As our little boat putted along the river bed, trying to stay in the shadows of the trees, the Buddhists were praying to the water gods and the Catholics were praying to God. The adults feared for their lives and their children's lives. The children remained as quiet as possible.

I don’t recall the rest of that night or the few days afterward. What I do remember is our sixth day somewhere in the Indian Ocean. It was mid day, bright, and sunny and we have now run out of fuel and food. My mom is so sea sick she can’t even sit up but she laid there praying. All of a sudden our boat started to move as if miraculously we had a working engine. The boat started to come alive with excitement as we stirred about to see what was happening. Opening up my little window to look outside all I could see was the fin of the dolphin swimming next to our boat. It turned out to be a school of them swimming along our boat and propelling it forward as if they were our engine! Our prayers were answered!

The excitement didn’t last long because the school of dolphins left us just as quickly as they had come upon us. We’re now floating out in the middle of nowhere again.

By night fall, we were surrounded by darkness and our hopes were just as black and bleak. I don’t remember realizing I could easily die out there but I do remember a city out in the middle of this darkness! After much excitement and trying to revive my mother from her stupor due to anti nausea medications, we were rescued! What I remember of the rescue was somehow ending up on this amazingly large ship, being able to shower, and having had my very first taste of a red delicious apple. Because my mom spoke a little English, we got first class treatment and got a cabin to sleep in, new clothes to wear, and food being brought to us by everyone! This was all new to me and I was loving life! We were rescued by an American oil tanker and taken to Indonesia. We were finally free!

The memories that I have of my journey is very different than that of my mother’s. As a child, I didn’t really understand the severity of a situation. I just knew I had to keep quiet and do what I was told. What I remember from this experience is the full moon, the small boat, the dolphins, the red apple, and buried somewhere deep is the faded memory, standing on the upper deck of the ship and looking down at our little boat sinking as the oil tanker maneuvered away from it.

The boat that brought me to freedom is torn to shreds by one big wave as the oil tanker turned away from it.

I’ve been told, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” How very true! I’m sure I would remember it differently if I had been older. But the memories I have are my roses in December. It is where my journey begins. God had plans for me and saw me to safety. Though I may have not known him then or for years to come, he was knocking at my door and revealing his love nonetheless. He never gave up on me. And each day is the result of this journey that started 28 years ago.

Diverse Without Growing Up Together Family

2009-10-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

I recently shared my blog with a dear family friend who has known me for most of my life; since I was 7 years old and new to this country.

After reading through my blog, Jon stated that “the notion and term of a ‘Blended Family’ tends to be an idealistic and misdirected concept that creates problems.” He prefers “Diverse and without growing up together family.”

I like that.

Curt and I have been together for almost 3 years, which also means that our children have only known each other for 3 years. To expect that they mesh and meld as one big happy family is unrealistic and can be difficult to attain.

My three children are used to just having me around. They know me to discipline, to cuddle with, to take them on outings, etc. Now they have to learn to adjust to some one else disciplining them, less alone time with me, and family trips that include 9 people. Curt’s kids have only know their mom and dad all of their lives. Family trips involved planning for 6 people rather than 9. They all grew up together; been through the good, bad, and ugly together. But all that changed for them when one person made a decision.

One person’s decision can change the course of the lives of many people.

That decision, or perhaps a series of decisions, threw all 9 of us together, under one roof, having to learn to adjust and readjust to life together as a “diverse and without growing up together family.”

Our diversity isn’t merely physical, it’s skin deep, roots deep, beliefs deep, culture deep, and experiences deep to just name a few.

I was born and raised in Vietnam until I was 7. Then I spent most of my life in Duluth, Minnesota. Already I grew up in two areas very different than Curt. I was raised a Buddhist who attended Catholic school and participated in Mass every Thursday as part of our curriculum, and I worshipped idols. I grew up in weather that could reach 60 below zero. Curt grew up in an area where people travel to the snow for the weekend. He’s known God all of his life, was born again when he was 27. I’ve only turned my life over to God 3 years ago. Curt can recite Bible passages while I try to wrap my brain around a few verses. These are only a few of our differences. The list would be too long if I were to list the children’s differences as well.

Because we all didn’t grow up together, there are many things I had to learn in order to function as a new family unit of 9. For example, I am very direct and say it like it is, it’s the choleric and the flaw in my character. Two weeks ago, I picked up the four kids from their mom’s house and they all stunk! Whatever had been percolating in their mom’s house decided to attach itself onto the kids’ clothes. I rolled down the window and told them all to keep it down because they stink! By no means did I mean to say they were no good, but regardless of what I meant, I had hurt some very fragile egos. I later apologized. I have to learn to not be so quick with my words and to consider the ramifications first. This is new and foreign to me and only one of the many adjustments that I need to make.

Growing up together means knowing the little nuances of family members. It means learning how to clean at a very young age; Vinh, my oldest, asked for a toy vacuum and cleaning supplies for Christmas one year. It means knowing what is expected and not tolerated when it comes to self hygiene. It means appreciating Vietnamese food. It also means knowing what buttons to push.

Jon told me that a counselor told him that you need to “double a child’s age before being able to hope they fully accept their mom or dad marrying again and before being able to fully feel comfortable in their ‘blended family’ (e.g., a 10 year old needs about 10 years to adapt/accept/work through/become comfortable).”

Ten years is a long time!

God give me patience…

He’s definitely putting me a situation that will teach me patience. He does know what He’s doing after all…and I need to let go and let God.

Jon, thank you for your kind words, wisdom, and continued prayers as I walk my walk.

Laundry Days

2009-09-26T15:24:00.001-07:00

During weeks with seven kids, every night there are at least two loads of laundry, sometimes more depending how dirty my husband got at work and how dirty the boys got at play. I’ve taken to only doing darks and lights, and to my husband’s dismay, I don’t do whites. The dark load goes in after all of the kids have bathed and showered so that by the time that there’s enough hot water, that load is finished and ready for the dryer. My husband and I then jump into the shower, and when we’re done, there’s just enough hot water left to wash the light load. Typically by then, the dark load is dry and needs folding. The white load will get put in the dryer before we fall asleep or early in the morning as we all rise and start our day. Two loads a day equals 14 loads a week. That’s a lot of laundry!

On days when I’ve had a particularly exhausting day, the last thing I want to do is laundry and as I sort through the laundry I wonder why the boys can’t seem to pull their socks apart instead of leaving them in balls, why the girls can’t pull their underwear out of their shorts or pants, why they can’t seem to sort dark from lights, WHY ME?! I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t sign up for non stop sorting, washing, drying, and folding!

This is the time when I’m gently reminded that I did sign up for this, I did pray for this and He answered, I did want more children, I did want a husband, and that the laundry is just a small part of the bigger picture. He’s reminding me that my own laundry basket is overflowing with self pity and bitterness when it needs to be overflowing with gratitude that the kids have clothes to wear and don’t have a need for anything. We’ve been abundantly blessed in so many ways that 14 loads is a small “price” to pay for what we’ve been given. As the clothes goes through its heavy cycle so does my attitude. All of the stresses of the work day, of running children around, dinner on the go, house work, church work, schedules, exes, family, etc gets wrung out of me as well.

I’m also reminded that I need to be grateful for a big enough washer and dryer to accommodate all of us, that the kids do bring their clothes down to the laundry rather than leave it laying around the bathroom or in their rooms, and that they do put away their clothes.

At the end of the each day, I take care of the laundry and God takes care of me. Whether it be just allowing me to shed tears for no reason or a gentle reminder that I’m missing out on His purpose for me by focusing on something so inconsequential as laundry. He’s definitely cleansed my heart more than 14 times a week.

Just Do It!

2009-09-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

I once heard someone say, “If you want to get something done, go ask a busy person.” How true that is…

When people find out we have seven children, they are often in shock, jaw dropped, and at a loss for words. Then inevitably the question comes, “How do you guys do it?” Our answer mirrors that of the Nike slogan, “Just do it!” There aren’t any other options.

For example, tonight Kimberly has gymnastics from 4:30pm to 7:30pm. Angelina has soccer practice from 6-7pm. I have a meeting at church from 7-10pm. Vinh has scouts from 7 to 8:30pm. And Jaden has soccer practice from 6:30 to 8:00pm.

After Kim is dropped off at gymnastics, Curt and I meet at home for a quick dash through dinner (thank God for crock pots). Curt then takes off with Jaden and Angelina for soccer practice, then I’m off to take Vinh to scouts, and then to my own meeting. Curt has to leave soccer a little early tonight to go pick up Kimberly from gymnastics and Vinh from scouts. Once home, those who hasn’t eaten get fed while the rest jump into the shower to get ready for bed. Some where in all of this we manage to work on homework and to sign off on agendas.

Saturday’s schedule looks something like this:

8am School clean up day (whole family)
9:30am Ami leaves with Angelina for soccer game
11am Ami and Angelina goes back to the school for more clean up
11:30am Curt leaves with Vinh and Jaden for soccer game
1pm Ami leaves school to go pick upVinh and Jaden from soccer game
1:30pm Curt leaves soccer game to drive to Bay Area for Kimberly’s gymnastics meet
5pm Ami to deliver food back to school for volunteer dinner
7pm Grocery shopping
8pm Pick up party invites for farewell picnic
10pm We’re all back under the same roof completely exhausted

How do we do it? I don’t have a pat response nor do I have the answer or a magic formula. However, I find that the calendar is my best friend! It also takes a lot of communication with my husband about schedules. The difficulty in this is that my husband is not good with scheduling so when things get missed or thrown in at the last minute I’m a complete wreck and have to do a lot of juggling which is very difficult for someone like me. I need to plan for spontaneity! However, I’m left with no other option than “Just do it!” I can be mad and fight with him, but what will that accomplish?

Aside from scheduling kids’ activities, I also have to plan for our activities with various church ministries, small group meetings, fundraising events, dinner dates with friends, school vacations, family vacations, the visits from my mom in Minnesota, and then coordinating all of this with the ex spouses!

God answered my prayers when I asked for more children and fulfilled the desires of my heart when He brought Curt into my life. And daily, I’m reminded of the scripture, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13 This Scripture teaches me a powerful principle; if I belong to Him, God will not allow any difficulty to come into my life that I cannot bear.

God, give me patience...

2009-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in the previous blog that I prayed for two things: More children and patience. My constant prayer, once I had children, was “God, give me patience…” It was pointed out to me by friends in my small group that God doesn’t give you patience; He puts you in situations to help you learn patience. Needless to say, since this revelation, I’ve stopped praying for patience.

I am, what some would call, a “neat freak,” though I’ve also been told that I am obsessive compulsive about cleanliness. Just because I have my children wipe themselves down with baby wipes before getting into the car doesn’t make me obsessive compulsive does it? In my defense, they had been rolling around in dirt at the local baseball field! That dirt sticks to you like baby powder and gets everywhere! If these were your children, you’d have them do the same. Wouldn’t you? Cleaning the children is easier than cleaning the car.

I love order and believe that all things have a place in some drawer, closet, cabinet, etc. I like my environment dust free, my desk neat and tidy, my bed made, my clothes put away according to color, size, and season, my shoes in their box or neatly lined up on the floor of my closet. I wasn’t always like this, but seeing the clutter at my grandma’s house and my mother’s house over the years have convinced me I cannot live with clutter and disorder.

Of course, my children find my “neatness” to be, at times, frustrating because I want them to be “neat freaks” too. They don’t understand why they have to line their shoes up outside the garage door, why their towels have to be folded into thirds, and they especially don’t understand why, even though we have a house keeper, they still have to clean every Sunday.

“Oh! WHY ME?!” In mean, “God, give me patience as I head upstairs to check out their rooms” is my silent prayer as I climb the steps. Not only am I not sentimental about childhood “stuff” like marbles, polly pockets, and legos, I don’t keep every little drawing or painting sent home from school either. I tend to go on mad cleaning sprees and throw out everything I deem “garbage.” However, the children have since learned to bargain with me; they asked that I not touch anything on their desk, in their drawers, or in their special box of keepsake. I have agreed, for now.

“God give me patience as the house is filled up with seven kids and their friends.” Seven kids with friends running up and down the stairs sounds like a herd of elephants have take over my house. I am raising kids, NOT elephants! You see, by nature I am not a loud person; I like soft music, “indoor” voices, and quiet (except for the TV airing the Vikings football game) in the home. It’s impossible to ask for that with seven kids who have very busy social calendars! My husband tells me that someday I will miss all of this commotion… Maybe someday I will, but for now, can’t they use indoor voices and walk with soft feet?

“God, give me patience as I try my best to be a mom to all seven kids.” How do I be a mom but not a mom to the other four kids? They have a mom so that’s not my role; but what is my role? If I hug on them, am I making them feel uncomfortable? If I tell them I have love them, do they then feel that they’re betraying their mom by responding? “Lord, give me patience today as I keep trying to do what is right for the children you’ve entrusted into my care.”

“God, give me patience with the children” is the prayer I don’t dare utter anymore for fear of new “tests” being thrown my way. Daily, I’m still being challenged, stretched, and having to learn to be a mom to seven kids rather than three. The “neat freak” in me still exists but I’ve been recently assured by the authors of “Every Man’s Marriage” that that is my essence and my home is my nest and the center of my universe. “Mother wants things just so in order to feel she’s doing everything right.” Of course, this doesn’t mean my husband and children can sympathize and understand this inner desire of mine, which then tests my patience once again.

God, give me patience….

2009-08-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember I’ve always prayed for “a house full of kids” because growing up it was always just my brother and me and I always wanted more siblings. Then when I had more children, I prayed for “patience.” Just recently, it hit me that God has a great sense of humor!

I was blessed with 3 children of my own. By the time the 3^rd one came, my doctor advised me to not have any more since it would be risking my life and the life of the unborn baby. So, I took her advice and permanent rectified that situation. But in my heart I always desired more children. I was left feeling as if something was missing.

In 2007 God answered my prayers….

January 2007, I met Curt and his 4 kids. He really has 5 but the oldest was 18 at the time and no longer at home. By March 2007, we were all living in the same home. In November of 2007 we said our vows to each other and to the kids on a beach in Maui.

Immediately, I went from having 3 kids to 7 kids. Who knew a family could double in such a short amount of time!

Kim, the oldest at home, is 13 going on 14. She’s our 9^th grader who was mentioned in the previous blog. She’s a phlegmatic; she can’t say no to people and often go out of her way to help everyone. She’s a phenomenal gymnast and loves the sport! She’s also a quality time and words of affirmation kind of girl.

Christen, 12 going on 13 this year, is a sanguine. She’s a social butterfly and loves to chat! She’s great at making people feel good about themselves. Christen is enjoys her quality time and gifts.

Abigail just turned 11 in May. She’s a choleric; very straightforward and to the point. I love this quality about her because she says it like it is and doesn’t try to sugar coat it! Often time people mistakenly assume she’s upset since she doesn’t say much. She just doesn’t have a lot to say, and when she does it’s brief and to the point. Abigail loves receiving gifts!

Jonathan is 10, a choleric and flourishes when he can be of help in any way. He enjoys doing acts of service to show that he cares about you.

Vinh is 9. He’s a phlegmatic melancholy. He loves to please people and very methodical in his actions and thoughts. He is all about quality time and loves to just hug on you and talk with you.

Jaden is the choleric sanguine. He states what’s on his mind and doesn’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings though his feelings get hurt very easily. He also loves being the center of attention. He’s a little of everything when it comes to love; he loves his quality time but also enjoys receiving gifts, needs words of affirmation, and will help out wherever he can.

Angelina, 5 going to 6 this year, is a choleric. She says it like it is and isn’t concerned with people’s perception. She’s a very strong willed child and knows what she wants. She’s quality time and gifts. She states that her most favorite thing to do with me is to cuddle. At the same time, she loves receiving gifts from everyone.

All these varying degree of personalities and acts of love on top of Curt and my personality and our need for love; talk about complicated and a whole lot of finessing. Not to mention we have exes to deal with! How does one do it you ask? It takes a LOT of grace, prayers, and friends to talk to.

Doctor's Visit

2009-08-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

As I sit at the car wash, waiting for my car to be restored to it's "like new" condition, I had some time to reflect on the latest blended family drama. As the Drama Turns....

My husband and I recently had a conversation about me being more involved in the step-childrens' lives (that's another blog altogether) such as attending parent/teacher conferences, doctor appointments, etc. The opportunity to do this recently presented itself when Kim (our oldest) had a doctor's appointment with a specialist at Kaiser. Curt wanted me to go, I wanted to go, the ex-wife didn't. She expressed it loud and clear to Curt and I, stating that I am neither Kim's mother or father and that this appointment should only be for her mother and father. Am I not a mother in every sense of the word? Though I didn't birth her, I am everything that a mother is because I didn't only marry Curt but I married his children as well. However, knowing how the ex-weife felt I was torn; should I go or shouldn't I go? Would me going to this appointment make Curt feel put in the middle having to choose between me, his daughter, and his ex-wife? Would me being there make it uncomfortable for Kim? I had a lot of questions...

On the advice of a dear friend (thank you friend), I went, kept my mouth shut, and only asked one question when the opportunity presented itself.

Overall, it wasn't as painful as I had thought it would be. I kept repeating, "Love thy enemies." As hard as this is to do, God was reminding me that love isn't always easy.

On the other hand, I think the ex-wife had a very hard time with this and felt extremely uncomfortable with me there. She lashed out at Curt and made remarks such as "Oh, she doesn't need her father?!" And called him a "jerk" when he opted to not stay for the blood draw. What saddens me about this is that Kim was there, witnessing all of this.

I'm not sure if all of this anger was because I was there and I made her uncomfortable or from something else altogether unrelated. Wherever it comes from, I continue to pray for her, for Curt, for the kids, and for our family. This is NOT an easy situation by any means! And it was only a doctor's appointment. I pray that graduations, wedding, and births aren't all this dramatic.

Upon reflecting on this situation, I ask myself if there was anything I could have done differently. Your thoughts? One of the hardest thing that God asks us to do (in my humble opinion) is to bless our enemies. My flesh wants nothing more than to curse my enemies. My spirit, on the other hand, knows better. So the praying continues and so does the constant asking for forgiveness.

2009-07-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was recently reminded of how difficult blending a family can be. All the self help books out there didn't prepare me for this journey, which I've been on for the last three years. But no matter the difficutlties, the answer lies in God...in the Bible. All I needed to do was open up the word.

So if man came from God, and woman came from man, then the kids come from woman, so kids are subject to the woman, man, and God, but all (woman, man, and kids) should put God first because he is the ultimate. Ephesians 5 22-23

The Bible, especially this verse, reminds me that even in a blended family, God is first, than man and woman (husband and wife), then children. In our family, since we have so many kids (7 total), we tend to loose focus on this and just recently the devil took adanvtage of this and tried to do his work in our lives. Needless to say, it caused weeks of heartached and pain for all involved! The pain is still raw, it's still there for all involved. The only recourse is to move forward; live by the word of God and ask for His grace and mercy daily. No one said blending a family was easy, and those who did, were, in my opinion, delusional! But the key to happiness and successful blending is for the husband and wife to provide a united front and not give up on each other or the kids. When the road gets tough, keep plowing through and love even when it's the last thing you want to do. And always remember that God has "got your back" and no problems are too big or too small for Him.